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Difference between revisions of "Homer's Triple Bypass/Quotes"

Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
< Homer's Triple Bypass
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:{{Template:TabQ
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{{TabQ}}
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|episode = Homer's Triple Bypass
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{{episodePrevNextQuo|Lisa's First Word|Marge vs. the Monorail}}
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}}
 
  
−
:''Mr. Burns and Smithers are watching Homer wolf down donuts on a closed-circuit TV''
+
{{qf|[[Chief Wiggum]]}} This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
−
:'''Montgomery Burns''': Look at him, Smithers. Eating donuts! Keep eating, soon enough you will get to the poison donut!
 
−
:'''Waylon Smithers''': Uh, sir...
 
−
:'''Mr. Burns''': Well? There is a poison donut, is there not?
 
−
:'''Mr. Smithers''': No sir, I removed it.
 
−
:'''Mr. Burns''': Why did you do that?!
 
−
:'''Mr. Smither''': I discussed the concept of a poison donut with the company lawyers, and they were all in agreement that that is considered murder.
 
−
:'''Mr. Burns''': Curse their oily hides!
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''[[Marge]]''': "Hello? Oh my Lord!"
+
{{qf|[[Bart]]}} ''[at breakfast]'' Hey, Lis, I heard that there was a train wreck last night. Wanna see the victims?
−
:''(Marge hangs up phone and grabs her car keys)''
+
{{qf|[[Lisa]]}} Sure. ''[Bart opens his mouth, showing "see-food"]'' Bart, that's gross!
−
:'''Marge''': "I need to get to the hospital, my husband just had a heart attack!"
+
{{qf|Bart}} You're right. Let's bury them at sea. ''[scoops it into Lisa's cereal]''
−
:''(Marge rushes out the Simpsons residence)''
+
----
−
:'''[[Patty]]''': "Oh my God."
+
{{qf|Bart}} What's wrong, Dad?
−
:'''[[Selma]]''': "What?"
+
{{qf|[[Homer]]}} ''[strained from feeling chest pains]'' You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I got that right now... ''[back to normal]'' Ooh, bacon!
−
:'''Patty''': "5 cents off wax paper!"
+
----
−
:''(Selma slaps herself in shock, either oblivious or completely uncaring about Homer's plight or Marge's distress)''
+
{{qf|[[Marge]]}} Homer, I've made a special surprise just for you!
−
 
+
{{qf|Homer}} It can only be one thing. ''[imagines a roast pig suggesting Homer eat his rump.]''
 +
{{qf|Marge}} ''[hands Homer a bowl of oatmeal]'' Here you go.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} What the hell is this?
 +
{{qf|Marge}} Nice, healthy oatmeal.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} ''[sarcastic]'' Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it. ''[dumps the oatmeal in the sink.]''
 +
{{qf|Marge}} No there isn't.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Trust me. ''[starts eating bacon.]''
 +
{{qf|Bart}} Dad, there's a bug on that.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Naah. ''[keeps on eating.]''
 +
----
 +
:''[At the gas station]''
 +
{{qf|Homer}} I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.
 +
:''[The noise is heard between Homer and an attendant he speaks to.]''
 +
{{qf|Attendant}} It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Oh, I thought it was my transmission. ''[drives away]''
 +
{{qf|Boy}} Where's he going?
 +
{{qf|Attendant}} You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
 +
{{qf|Boy}} We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?!
 +
{{qf|Attendant}} You're a dull boy, Billy.
 +
----
 +
:''[Mr. Burns, watching his bank of monitors, sees Homer eating donuts]''
 +
{{qf|[[Mr. Burns]]}} Look at that pig, stuffing his face with donuts on *my time*! That's right, keep eating... Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! ''[chuckles evilly, then stops abruptly]'' There is a poison one, isn't there, Smithers?
 +
{{qf|[[Smithers]]}} Err... no, Sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder.
 +
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} ''[angry]'' Damn their oily hides!!
 +
:''[He sees Homer sleeping, with his head on the donut box]''
 +
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Bring him to me!!
 +
----
 +
:''[Homer stands worriedly in Mr. Burns' office; a "window" shows his heart beating fast]''
 +
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Whew... ''[heart slows down]''
 +
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} ...and goodbye! You're fired!
 +
{{qf|Homer}} ''[gags; his heart beats faster]''
 +
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Whew... ''[heart slows down again]''
 +
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} ...at goofing off!
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Uuurgh! ''[clutches his chest as his heart beats even faster]''
 +
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Whew... ''[heart slows down once more]''
 +
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} ...a grave for!
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Uuurrgghh!! ''[clutches his chest as his heart beats extremely fast]''
 +
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Your indolence is inefficacious!
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Huh? ''[stares blankly; his heart beats normally]''
 +
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} That means you're terrible!!
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Aaaaarrrggghhh!! ''[his heart goes crazy; the "window" shatters and he collapses]''
 +
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Hmm?
 +
{{qf|Smithers}} ''[examines Homer]'' Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. ''[as he says this, Homer's astral body rises from Homer's physical body]''
 +
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow.
 +
{{qf|Homer's astral body}} Mmm... ham. ''[returns to Homer's physical body]''
 +
{{qf|Smithers}} No, wait. He's alive.
 +
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Oh, good. Cancel the ham!
 +
{{qf|Homer}} D'oh!
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Marge}} ''[answers the phone]'' Hello... Yes? Oh my Lord! Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! ''[leaves]''
 +
{{qf|[[Patty]]}} Oh my God.
 +
{{qf|[[Selma]]}} What?
 +
{{qf|Patty}} 5 cents off wax paper.
 +
{{qf|Selma}} ''[slaps her cheek in amazement]''
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Homer}} ''[to Dr. Hibbert]'' Remember your Hippopotamus oath!
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Marge}} Can't you do something for him?
 +
{{qf|[[Dr. Hibbert]]}} Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} What an age we live in!
 +
----
 +
:''[Homer stands behind an X-ray machine]''
 +
{{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} Now what you see here is the radioactive dye flowing through your husband's circulatory system.
 +
{{qf|Nurse}} But Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet!
 +
{{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} Good Lord!
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly!
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Say it in English, Doc.
 +
{{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} You're going to need open heart surgery.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
 +
{{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Could you dumb it down a shade?
 +
{{qf|Marge}} Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homey well.
 +
{{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} Good. I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards to $30,000.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Aaarrrggh! ''[collapses]''
 +
{{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} I'm afraid it's now $40,000.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Marge}} Don't you have a health plan at work?
 +
{{qf|Homer}} We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge.
 +
{{qf|Marge}} D'oh!
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Don't worry, Marge. [[USA|America]]'s health care system is second only to [[Japan]], [[Canada]], [[Sweden]], [[Great Britain]], well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in [[Paraguay]]!
 +
----
 +
:''[Homer's at [[Merry Widow Insurance Co.]]]''
 +
{{qf|Clerk}} Now before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- ''[realizes]'' I mean ask away.
 +
{{qf|Clerk}} Now, under "heart attacks", you crossed out three and wrote zero.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages".
 +
{{qf|Clerk}} All right. Here's your policy.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just--
 +
{{qf|Clerk}} Wait, you haven't signed it yet.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} ''[takes pen] ''Oh, yeah, I-- ''[gags]'' ... must... sign... policy!
 +
{{qf|Clerk}} ''[pulling policy]'' I'm sorry, sir, we can't insure you!
 +
{{qf|Homer}} I made an H!
 +
{{qf|Clerk}} That doesn't count!
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Looks like an X.
 +
:''[The clerk manages to pull it away.]''
 +
{{qf|Clerk}} We better get you to a hospital.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Can I have a free calendar?
 +
{{qf|Clerk}} OK.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pyjamas sticking pitchforks in my butt!
 +
----
 +
:''[Homer with [[Reverend Lovejoy]]]''
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there blah-blah-blahing, I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Well, anywho, can I have $40,000? ''[Lovejoy's eyes widen]''
 +
:''[cut to Homer with [[Rabbi Krustofsky]]]''
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I rented "Fiddler on the Roof" and I will watch it. Anyway, can I have $40,000?
 +
{{qf|Rabbi Krustofsky}} ''[raises eyebrows]'' Hmm?
 +
:''[cut to Homer with [[Sadruddin Mabaradad]]]''
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Now I know I haven't been the best... aw, forget it. ''[walks away]''
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Bart}} Any luck, Dad?
 +
{{qf|Homer}} No, but the rabbi gave me this. ''[spins a dreidel]''
 +
{{qf|Bart}} What is that?
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Son, it's called a droodel.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Bart}} Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV Generation.
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} We feel neither highs or lows.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Really? What's it like?
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} Ehh. ''[shrugs]''
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Bart}} Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad—for awhile.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
 +
{{qf|Bart}} What about [[Abraham Lincoln]]?
 +
{{qf|Homer}} He sold poison milk to school children.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Bed goes up, bed goes down...
 +
----
 +
{{qf|[[Ned]]}} ''[praying]'' Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and "Sweating to the Oldies" Volumes 1, 2, and 4.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|[[Grampa]]}} They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it!
 +
----
 +
{{qf|[[Barney]]}} When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it!
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Barney, I'm not getting a sex change!
 +
{{qf|Barney}} What? What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini?
 +
----
 +
{{qf|[[Moe]]}} Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Thanks, Moe. ''[drinks it]''
 +
{{qf|Moe}} You know, Homer, that beer ain't free.
 +
----
 +
:''[At the medical library, Dr. Nick Riviera watches a video about how to do a coronary bypass]''
 +
{{qf|Doctor}} Insert the retractor and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. ''[crack; gush]''
 +
{{qf|[[Dr. Nick]]}} ''[recoils]'' Oh, no! Blood! Ugh!
 +
{{qf|Doctor}} Next, make an incision in the coronary artery --
 +
:''[The screen fritzes into a cheesy talk show]''
 +
{{qf|Host}} And we are back with more of ''People Who Look Like Things''.
 +
:''[The guests are men with heads resembling a cash register, a palm tree, a sweeping brush, a pumpkin and a coffee pot, respectively]''
 +
{{qf|Dr. Nick}} Oh, no! No! Someone taped over the end of this!
 +
{{qf|Pumpkinhead}} All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect.
 +
{{qf|Host}} ''[sly]'' And a new candle now and then?
 +
{{qf|Pumpkinhead}} Yes, and a new c-- ''[realizes]'' no! ''[scowls as the audience laughs]''
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens. Let's see... er... Oh, I'm no good at this.
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]''
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Bart, the saddest thing about this is I'm not going to see you grow up...
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]''
 +
{{qf|Homer}} ... because I know you gonna turn out well, with or without your old man.
 +
{{qf|Bart}} Thanks, Dad.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} And Lisa...
 +
{{qf|Bart}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]''
 +
{{qf|Homer}} I guess this is the time to tell you...
 +
{{qf|Bart}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]''
 +
{{qf|Homer}} ... that you're adopted and I don't like you. ''[realizes]'' Bart!
 +
{{qf|Bart}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]''
 +
{{qf|Homer}} But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you.
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} Oh, Dad.'' [hugs him]''
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Dr. Nick}} Hi, everybody!
 +
{{qf|Crowd}} Hi, Dr. Nick!
 +
{{qf|Dr. Nick}} If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved!
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Moe}} Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
 +
{{qf|Barney}} How long has it been?
 +
{{qf|Moe}} 6 seconds.
 +
{{qf|Barney}} Do we have to start over?
 +
{{qf|Moe}} Hell no.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|[[Apu]]}} Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
 +
{{qf|Customer}} Give me some jerky.
 +
{{qf|Apu}} Would you like some vodka with that?
 +
{{qf|Customer}} Oh, what the hell, sure.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Dr. Nick}} Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The B is for Bargain!
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Dr. Nick}} I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? ''[removes surgical mask]'' And where?
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} ''[from the amphitheater]'' Hey! The incision in the coronary artery must be made below the blockage! Below!!
 +
{{qf|Dr. Nick}} Thanks, little girl! ''[puts mask back on and starts singing]'' The knee bone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wristwatch... Uh oh.
 
----
 
----
−
 
+
{{qf|Mr. McGreg}} ''[menacingly]'' Dr. Nick Riviera, remember me?
−
:'''[[Barney]]''': "Originally I did not like it, but then I figured, if Homer wants to be a woman, who am I to judge?"
+
{{qf|Dr. Nick}} Well, if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg!
−
 
 
−
:'''[[Homer]]''': "Barney! I am having heart surgery, not a sex change!"
 
−
:'''Barney''': "Oh! Well, what do I do with this jumbo thong bikini?"
 
−
:'''[[Moe]]''': "For old times' sake, I snuck in this bottle of beer."
 
−
:'''Homer''': "Thanks a lot, Moe!"
 
−
:''(Homer begins drinking)''
 
−
:'''Moe''': "Homer, that is not free, you know."
 
−
:
 
−
 
 
 
----
 
----
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} All right, Dad!
 +
{{qf|Bart}} You rule intensive care!
  
−
:'''Patty''': "Marge, say hello to [[Andre]]!"
+
:{{Season 4|Q}}
−
:'''Marge''' (enraged): "My husband is not dead yet! GET OUT!"
 
−
:'''Patty''' (curt): "Oh sorry, hope he recovers."
 
−
:'''Selma''': "I do too."
 
−
:'''Andre''': "I do not."
 
−
:
 
−
:{{Season 4 Q}}
 
−
[[Category:Quotes]]
 

Latest revision as of 12:17, March 15, 2022


Season 4 Episode Quotes
← 069 "Lisa's First Word"
070
"Homer's Triple Bypass"
"Marge vs. the Monorail" 071 →


Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
Bart: [at breakfast] Hey, Lis, I heard that there was a train wreck last night. Wanna see the victims?
Lisa: Sure. [Bart opens his mouth, showing "see-food"] Bart, that's gross!
Bart: You're right. Let's bury them at sea. [scoops it into Lisa's cereal]
Bart: What's wrong, Dad?
Homer: [strained from feeling chest pains] You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I got that right now... [back to normal] Ooh, bacon!
Marge: Homer, I've made a special surprise just for you!
Homer: It can only be one thing. [imagines a roast pig suggesting Homer eat his rump.]
Marge: [hands Homer a bowl of oatmeal] Here you go.
Homer: What the hell is this?
Marge: Nice, healthy oatmeal.
Homer: [sarcastic] Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it. [dumps the oatmeal in the sink.]
Marge: No there isn't.
Homer: Trust me. [starts eating bacon.]
Bart: Dad, there's a bug on that.
Homer: Naah. [keeps on eating.]
[At the gas station]
Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.
[The noise is heard between Homer and an attendant he speaks to.]
Attendant: It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump.
Homer: Oh, I thought it was my transmission. [drives away]
Boy: Where's he going?
Attendant: You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
Boy: We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?!
Attendant: You're a dull boy, Billy.
[Mr. Burns, watching his bank of monitors, sees Homer eating donuts]
Mr. Burns: Look at that pig, stuffing his face with donuts on *my time*! That's right, keep eating... Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [chuckles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there, Smithers?
Smithers: Err... no, Sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder.
Mr. Burns: [angry] Damn their oily hides!!
[He sees Homer sleeping, with his head on the donut box]
Mr. Burns: Bring him to me!!
[Homer stands worriedly in Mr. Burns' office; a "window" shows his heart beating fast]
Mr. Burns: Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...
Homer: Whew... [heart slows down]
Mr. Burns: ...and goodbye! You're fired!
Homer: [gags; his heart beats faster]
Mr. Burns: But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...
Homer: Whew... [heart slows down again]
Mr. Burns: ...at goofing off!
Homer: Uuurgh! [clutches his chest as his heart beats even faster]
Mr. Burns: Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...
Homer: Whew... [heart slows down once more]
Mr. Burns: ...a grave for!
Homer: Uuurrgghh!! [clutches his chest as his heart beats extremely fast]
Mr. Burns: Your indolence is inefficacious!
Homer: Huh? [stares blankly; his heart beats normally]
Mr. Burns: That means you're terrible!!
Homer: Aaaaarrrggghhh!! [his heart goes crazy; the "window" shatters and he collapses]
Mr. Burns: Hmm?
Smithers: [examines Homer] Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. [as he says this, Homer's astral body rises from Homer's physical body]
Mr. Burns: Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow.
Homer's astral body: Mmm... ham. [returns to Homer's physical body]
Smithers: No, wait. He's alive.
Mr. Burns: Oh, good. Cancel the ham!
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: [answers the phone] Hello... Yes? Oh my Lord! Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! [leaves]
Patty: Oh my God.
Selma: What?
Patty: 5 cents off wax paper.
Selma: [slaps her cheek in amazement]
Homer: [to Dr. Hibbert] Remember your Hippopotamus oath!
Marge: Can't you do something for him?
Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
Homer: What an age we live in!
[Homer stands behind an X-ray machine]
Dr. Hibbert: Now what you see here is the radioactive dye flowing through your husband's circulatory system.
Nurse: But Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet!
Dr. Hibbert: Good Lord!
Homer: Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly!
Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
Homer: Say it in English, Doc.
Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open heart surgery.
Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?
Marge: Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homey well.
Dr. Hibbert: Good. I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards to $30,000.
Homer: Aaarrrggh! [collapses]
Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid it's now $40,000.
Marge: Don't you have a health plan at work?
Homer: We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge.
Marge: D'oh!
Homer: Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
[Homer's at Merry Widow Insurance Co.]
Clerk: Now before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions.
Homer: Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- [realizes] I mean ask away.
Clerk: Now, under "heart attacks", you crossed out three and wrote zero.
Homer: Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages".
Clerk: All right. Here's your policy.
Homer: Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just--
Clerk: Wait, you haven't signed it yet.
Homer: [takes pen] Oh, yeah, I-- [gags] ... must... sign... policy!
Clerk: [pulling policy] I'm sorry, sir, we can't insure you!
Homer: I made an H!
Clerk: That doesn't count!
Homer: Looks like an X.
[The clerk manages to pull it away.]
Clerk: We better get you to a hospital.
Homer: Can I have a free calendar?
Clerk: OK.
Homer: Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pyjamas sticking pitchforks in my butt!
[Homer with Reverend Lovejoy]
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there blah-blah-blahing, I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Well, anywho, can I have $40,000? [Lovejoy's eyes widen]
[cut to Homer with Rabbi Krustofsky]
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I rented "Fiddler on the Roof" and I will watch it. Anyway, can I have $40,000?
Rabbi Krustofsky: [raises eyebrows] Hmm?
[cut to Homer with Sadruddin Mabaradad]
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best... aw, forget it. [walks away]
Bart: Any luck, Dad?
Homer: No, but the rabbi gave me this. [spins a dreidel]
Bart: What is that?
Homer: Son, it's called a droodel.
Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV Generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
Homer: Really? What's it like?
Lisa: Ehh. [shrugs]
Bart: Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad—for awhile.
Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: He sold poison milk to school children.
Homer: Bed goes up, bed goes down...
Ned: [praying] Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and "Sweating to the Oldies" Volumes 1, 2, and 4.
Grampa: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it!
Barney: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it!
Homer: Barney, I'm not getting a sex change!
Barney: What? What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini?
Moe: Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake.
Homer: Thanks, Moe. [drinks it]
Moe: You know, Homer, that beer ain't free.
[At the medical library, Dr. Nick Riviera watches a video about how to do a coronary bypass]
Doctor: Insert the retractor and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. [crack; gush]
Dr. Nick: [recoils] Oh, no! Blood! Ugh!
Doctor: Next, make an incision in the coronary artery --
[The screen fritzes into a cheesy talk show]
Host: And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things.
[The guests are men with heads resembling a cash register, a palm tree, a sweeping brush, a pumpkin and a coffee pot, respectively]
Dr. Nick: Oh, no! No! Someone taped over the end of this!
Pumpkinhead: All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect.
Host: [sly] And a new candle now and then?
Pumpkinhead: Yes, and a new c-- [realizes] no! [scowls as the audience laughs]
Homer: Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens. Let's see... er... Oh, I'm no good at this.
Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear]
Homer: Bart, the saddest thing about this is I'm not going to see you grow up...
Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear]
Homer: ... because I know you gonna turn out well, with or without your old man.
Bart: Thanks, Dad.
Homer: And Lisa...
Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]
Homer: I guess this is the time to tell you...
Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]
Homer: ... that you're adopted and I don't like you. [realizes] Bart!
Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]
Homer: But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you.
Lisa: Oh, Dad. [hugs him]
Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody!
Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick!
Dr. Nick: If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved!
Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
Barney: How long has it been?
Moe: 6 seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell no.
Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
Customer: Give me some jerky.
Apu: Would you like some vodka with that?
Customer: Oh, what the hell, sure.
Dr. Nick: Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The B is for Bargain!
Dr. Nick: I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? [removes surgical mask] And where?
Lisa: [from the amphitheater] Hey! The incision in the coronary artery must be made below the blockage! Below!!
Dr. Nick: Thanks, little girl! [puts mask back on and starts singing] The knee bone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wristwatch... Uh oh.
Mr. McGreg: [menacingly] Dr. Nick Riviera, remember me?
Dr. Nick: Well, if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg!
Lisa: All right, Dad!
Bart: You rule intensive care!
Season 4 Quotes
Kamp Krusty • A Streetcar Named Marge • Homer the Heretic • Lisa the Beauty Queen • Treehouse of Horror III • Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie • Marge Gets a Job • New Kid on the Block • Mr. Plow • Lisa's First Word • Homer's Triple Bypass • Marge vs. the Monorail • Selma's Choice • Brother from the Same Planet • I Love Lisa • Duffless • Last Exit to Springfield • So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show • The Front • Whacking Day • Marge in Chains • Krusty Gets Kancelled
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