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Marge vs. the Monorail/Quotes

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Season 4 Episode Quotes
070 "Homer's Triple Bypass"
"Marge vs. the Monorail"
"Selma's Choice" 072

[Yet another one of Homer's lifelong dreams.]
Homer: Marge, I want to be a monorail conductor.
Marge: Oh no, Homer!
Homer: But Marge! My lifelong dream is to be a monorail conductor!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field during a baseball game. And you did it last year, remember?
[Baseball music is heard as Marge points out framed newspaper clipping on the living room wall showing Homer running on a baseball diamond while being pursued by security guards.]

[Bart is helping Homer study for Lyle Lanley's diploma mill.]
Book: MCAT: Monorail Conductor's Aptitude Test
Bart: True or false: "You can get mono from riding the monorail."
Homer: False. No wait, true!
Bart: No, you were right the first time! You know Dad, I have to admit I originally thought of you as being stuck in an emasculating, go-nowhere job.
Homer: He he he he! Kids!
Bart: But now I think that is great that you are really going to be a monorail conductor! I want to follow in your footsteps.
Homer: Thanks boy! Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you "Ho Ju"!
Bart's eyes look away.
Bart: Uh...I'll get back to you.

Marge, fatally concerned about the welfare of the citizens of Springfield, decides to take a night drive. Visions of various people go through her mind
Lyle Lanley: [imagined] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum it put them on the map!
Apu: [imagined] Is there a chance the track could bend?
Homer: [imagined] I call the big one Bitey.
Lyle Lanley: [imagined] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum it put them on the map!
Apu: [imagined] Is there a chance the track could bend?
Homer: [imagined] I call the big one Bitey.
[Marge arrives in North Haverbrook.]
[Marge parks her car and inspects the community of North Haverbrook. She is appalled to find tumbleweeds, rusted out cars, and dilapitated, abandoned houses. No one is in any of the houses except for an elderly lady in a rocking chair on a veranda.]
Old lady: [cackling] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[Marge continues on in her tour of North Haverbrook. She sees a destroyed monorail track with one of the cars dangling off the track, confirming her horror. She then meets a disshevled, traumatized woman.]
Woman: Go away, lady! There ain't no monorail and there never was!
[Woman slams window shut.]
[A creepy looking man approaches Marge, who screams in horror.]
Man: So sorry, I should not have snuck up on you like that. My name is Sebastian Cobb. I am a civil engineer who was commissioned by Lyle Lanley to build the monorail for North Haverbrook. That was the biggest mistake of my life.
[Sebastian Cobb shows Marge the wrecked monorail.]
Sebastian Cobb: This is all that's left of one of the crappiest trains ever built! Lanley is a fraud; the man cuts corners like nobody's business! There were no emergency brakes, the shocks were made of matress coils, and the celebrity for their maiden voyage was Gallagher!

Mayor Quimby: And now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall Mr. Leonard Nimoy!
[Audience applauds.]
Leonard Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp 5!
[Audience chuckles.]
Quimby: And let me say, may the Force be with you!
Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of The Little Rascals?

[The monorail is out of control.]
Homer: Are we gonna die, son?"
Bart: Yeah... but at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us.

[The monorail is still out of control. Marge communicates to Homer.]
Marge: Homer! There's someone here who says he can help you.
Homer: Batman?!
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist!
Marge: It's not Batman!

Sebastian Cobb: Homer, you can halt the monorail. You need to find some sort of anchor.
Homer: Anchor? Let us see, anchor, anchor.
[Homer visualizes Bart turning into an anchor.]
Bart the Anchor: Think harder, Homer.

[The monorail has been halted after Homer's makeshift anchor attaches itself to a gigantic plaster donut atop the donut shop.]
Homer: [talking to himself] Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Season 4 Quotes
Kamp Krusty A Streetcar Named Marge Homer the Heretic Lisa the Beauty Queen Treehouse of Horror III Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie Marge Gets a Job New Kid on the Block Mr. Plow Lisa's First Word Homer's Triple Bypass Marge vs. the Monorail Selma's Choice Brother from the Same Planet I Love Lisa Duffless Last Exit to Springfield So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show The Front Whacking Day Marge in Chains Krusty Gets Kancelled