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Lisa the Beauty Queen/Quotes
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"Lisa the Beauty Queen"
- Pahusacheta: I am Pahusacheta.
- [Her father, Sanjay, and her uncle, Apu are in the audience. They stand and applaud loudly.]
- Apu: Judges, there is your queen!
- Pahusacheta: For my talent act I will play MacArthur Park on drums.
- [Audience laughs.]
- Pahusacheta: No, I am serious!
- Marge: Apu, who is looking after the Kwik-E-Mart while you two are here?
- Apu: Uh oh!
- [At the Kwik-E-Mart, which Apu has left unguarded, Jimbo Jones and his gang are laughing as they wheel out the Slushie machine.]
- [Homer challenges the "Guess Your Age and Weight" booth at the school carnival.]
- Booth Operator: I'd say 53 and 420 pounds.
- Homer: Ha ha, you lose! 36 and 239!
- Homer: You're cute as a bug's ear.
- Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff!
- Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
- Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt!
- Homer: There, see?
- Principal Skinner: But first, our second prize winner and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer... Ned Flanders.
- Ned: [gasps]
- Homer: Oh it's no fair, we'll never have a buffer!
- Marge: We have one at home, you never use it.
- Homer: Well, I want that one!
- Homer: Moe, have you ever felt unattractive?
- Moe: Mmmm, no.
- Homer: How about you, Barney?
- Barney: Not for a second! [belches]
- Marge: Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. [singing] "There once was an ugly duckling"
- Lisa: So you think I'm ugly?!
- Marge: No. No, I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks... that makes fun of the ugly one. Mmmm.
- Homer: Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl!
- Marge: Mmmmm, you're looking at her through a father's eyes.
- Homer: Well if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets I would; but to me, she's beautiful!
- Marge: That is so sweet!
- Beauty Pageant Contestant #1: Didja see Tina Epstein?
- Beauty Pageant Contestant #2: Whoa. If you're gonna binge, you better purge.
- Beauty Pageant Contestant #2: Amber Dempsey.
- Beauty Pageant Contestant #1: In the same week she was Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher.
- Beauty Pageant Contestant #1: Eyelash implants.
- Lisa: I thought those were illegal.
- Beauty Pageant Contestant #1: Not in Paraguay.
- Bart: [to Lisa] Later, I'll teach you the tricks of the trade: Taping your swimsuit to your butt, petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile, and the ancient art of padding. [purrs]
- Bart: She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants!
- Homer: When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always wanting more...more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.
- Homer: Is that Lisa? Oooo, I gotta call heaven. There's an angel missing!
- Bart: And who's your little school friend? Wait a minute... That's Mom!
- Marge: I know two fellas who will get a special dinner tonight!
- [Bart and Homer high five]
- Bart: Dad, do you know anything else about women?
- Homer: Nope, that's it.
- Amber Dempsey: My name is Amber Dempsey. When I grow up I wanna be a sweetie pie. [flutters her eyelashes]
- Lisa: My name is Lisa Simpson, and I want to be Lil Miss Springfield so I can make our town a better place.
- Homer: Yeah, clean up this stink-hole!
- Krusty: [singing the "Little Miss Springfield" song] L: the losers in her wake. I: the income she will make. T is for her tooth-filled mout. T is for her tooth-filled mouth...
- Scott Christian: Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation—wasting food.
- Marge: [about Amber Dempsey] Oh dear, it'll be a shame if that pretty dress got wet.
- Lisa: I'd say the greater danger is her sceptre acting as a lighting rod. Unless it's made out of plastic.
- Bart: [an intense flash of light is shown from the TV] Nope, metal.
- Dave Shutton: Doctor, what is Amber's condition?
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh, she'll be fine. In fact, she already won the Little Miss Intensive Care pageant.
- Lisa: [coyly] Hi, fellas.
- Chuck Berger: Love that chewing gum walk.
- Ralph: Ve-ry Wrigley. [both boys toast their pints of milk]
- Homer: Heyyy therrree, blimpy boy! Flying through the sky so fancy free!
- Mayor Quimby: Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out and Amber Dempsey back in. But this glorified crossing guard of a police chief wont get off his big fat can.
- Chief Wiggum: Is it okay if I open these potato chips?
- Kent Brockman: Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today. [footage of a goat being bottle fed plays] Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen Homer Simpson filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "do not write under this space" he wrote "okay".
- Lisa: Do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
- Homer: I dunno. Was I drunk?
- Lisa: Possibly. But the point is you wanted me to feel better about myself, and I do.
- Homer: Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?
- Lisa: It's a deal!
- [Lisa shows Homer the caricature of herself.]
- Homer: Oh, Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you might look if you were a cartoon character.