Difference between revisions of "Homer's Barbershop Quartet/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 08:50, August 25, 2022

Mayor Quimby: Welcome, swappers, to the Springfield Swap Meet. Ich bin ein Springfield Swap Meet patron!

George Harrison: [responding to the Be Sharps' rooftop concert] It's been done.

[Comic Book Guy puts the "Melvin and the Squirrel" record on.]

Record: Stuck a feather in his cap and called it Rice-a-Roni. MEL-VIN!

George Harrison: Hello, Homer. I'm George Harrison.

Homer: Oh, my god. OH, MY GOD! Where did you get that brownie?

George: Over there. There's a big pile of 'em

Homer: (excited, gobbles some down) Oh, man!

George: Well, what a nice fella!

Apu: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.

Nigel: Hmm. Never fit on a marquee, love. From now on, your name is Apu de Beaumarche.

Apu: That is a great dishonor to my ancestors and God...but okay.

[Homer addresses the crowd after finishing the B-Sharps New York performance]

Homer: I'd like to introduce you all to a very special woman. She's 200 years old, 500 feet tall, and weighs 400...(winks) Tons.

Man in Crowd: This gigantic woman will devour us all! YAAAAGH! (Jumps into River)

Homer: I meant the statue.

[Chief Wiggum shoots the TV]

Sarah Wiggum: Clancy, use the remote.

Abe: That's my son up there!

Old Jewish man: What, the balding fatass?

Abe: Uh, no, the Hindu guy.

Bart: [after looking at record sleeve] You wrote a song, dad?

Homer: I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only eight years ago.

Bart: Dad, I can't even remember what happened eight minutes ago. [everyone laughs] No, I can't. It's a serious problem!

Homer: [laughs] Who cares?

Bart: Oh boy! Free trading cards!

Milhouse: Wow! Joseph of Arimathea! 26 conversions in A.D. 46.

Nelson: Whoa, a Methuselah rookie card!

Flanders: [chuckles] Well boys, who'd have thought learning about religion could be fun?

Bart: Religion?

Milhouse: Learning?

Nelson: Let's get out of here!

Homer: We were about to learn an iron law of show business; what goes up must come down.

Lisa: What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over fifty years.

Bart: So's Sinatra.

Homer: Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of...

Lisa: Dean Martin still packs 'em in.

Bart: Ditto Tom Jones.

Homer: Shut up!

Bart: Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught-six, dagnabbit.

Homer: Bart, what did I tell you?

Bart: No talking like a grizzled 1890's prospector, consarn it.

Lisa: Wow, an original Malibu Stacey from 1958! [sees the huge, pointed breasts] Oh...

Man: Yeah, they took her off the market after some kid put both his eyes out.

Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!

David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?

Barney: You're a musician?

Human Fly: Hello, Human Fly here! Come on, I spent all night dying my underwear.

Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool.

Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.

Homer: Well, one of us made some money. I sold a guy our spare tire. (the tire blows out) D'oh!

Reporter: I have a question for Apu du Beaumarchais. Isn't it true that you're really an Indian?

Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.

Reporter: Principal Skinner, you've been referred to as the funny one. Is that reputation justified?

Principal Skinner: [seriously] Yes. Yes, it is.

[Homer, Apu and Skinner, with stubble on their faces, are in the recording studio]

Homer, Apu, Skinner: [singing off-key] For all the latest medical poop, Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. Poo poo pa-doop...

Apu: This is worse than your song about Mr. T.

Homer: I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?

Principal Skinner: Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.

[Barney and his girlfriend walk in, and Barney inserts a demo tape into a recorder]

Barney: Barbershop is in danger of growing stale! I'm taking it to strange new places!

[On the recorder]

Barney's Girlfriend: Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches]

Moe: Hey Barney, what'll it be?

Barney: I'd like a beer, Moe!

Barney's Girlfriend: I'd like a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat.

Moe: Here you go!

Ned: You know, Reverend, this really isn't a hymn.

Reverend Lovejoy: Ned, there's an oil stain in the parking lot that looks just like St. Barnabas.

Ned: Oh, my stars!

Moe: Those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job.

Nigel: I didn't pay any girls to scream.

Moe: Huh?!

Skinner: Only one question remains, gentlemen...what do we call ourselves?

Nigel: How about, Handsome Homer Simpson Plus Three?

Barney: I like it!

Apu: Wait, I do not.

Skinner: Er, um, we need a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it.

Apu: How about, The Be Sharps?

[Everyone laughs loud at first, then less, then the laughter tapers off]

Skinner: Perfect!

Homer: What'd you kids get?

Bart: I bought this cool pencil holder.

Homer: Heh heh, far out man. I haven't seen a bong in years.

Marge: Homer, you're going to be famous!

Homer: Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been.

Marge: Hmm, have you seen Bart?

Homer: Ehh, I stuck him somewhere. [scene shows Bart under a laundry basket, tapping a cup on it]

Grampa: [singing] Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on this farm he had a chick, the swingingest' chick I know! With a wiggle wiggle here and a wiggle wiggle there.

Homer: Get of the stage!

Grampa: I want to, but I can't!

Homer: Lisa, did you see the Grammys?

Lisa: You beat Dexy's Midnight Runners.

Homer: Well, you haven't heard the last of them.

Lisa: Wow, look at all this Be Sharps merchandise. Lunch boxes... coffee mugs...funny foam...[squirts some on Homer]

Homer: They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, but if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die. [looks over] Bart!

Bart: [through a mouth full of foam] What?

[Apu returns to work at the Kwik-E-Mart]

Apu: It may not be glamorous, but it's good honest work.

Customer: How much is this quart of milk?

Apu: Twelve dollars.

Homer: [when he comes back to work] Hey, fellows, I'm back!

Carl: Oh, that's great. Your replacement was getting tired. [shot of a chicken in Homer's chair, pecking the controls] Hey, Queenie, you can go now!

Homer: I'll give her a good home. [scene goes back to Bart and Lisa, centered on Homer's stomach] And I did.

Bart: Man, that's some story!

Lisa: But there are still a few things I don't get. Like, how come we never heard about this until today?

Bart: Yeah, and what happened to the money you made?

Lisa: Why haven't you hung up your gold records?

Bart: Since when could you write a song?

Homer: [laughs] There are perfectly good answers to those questions. But they'll have to wait for another night. Now off to bed!