Rosebud/Quotes
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- Mr. Burns: How much do you want.
- Homer: A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands. Good ones, not the leper one.
- Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
- Smithers: But sir, those weren't the...
- Mr. Burns: Do as I say!
- [Night time. Homer, half asleep and in his underwear, wanders over to the fridge and takes something out of it.]
- Homer: Mmm... sixty-four slices of American cheese.
- [He sits down at the table with the stack of slices.]
- Homer: Sixty-four. [eats it] Sixty-three. [eats it]
- [Fade to morning, and he is struggling to finish.]
- Homer: Two... [eats it very slowly] One... [eats it]
- [Marge walks in.]
- Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?
- Homer: [slurred] I think I'm blind...
- Marge: What are you doing?
- Homer: I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday party. Is poo-poo one word or two?
- Marge: I don't think it's a good idea to humiliate your boss on his birthday.
- Lisa: Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr. Burns' foibles if done with the greatest of care could earn Dad a special place in the old man's heart.
- Homer: Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. [laughs] I paint a frowny face on my butt and pull down my pants!
- [Marge and Lisa groan.]
- Homer: Now, I'm not saying Mr. Burns is incontinent...
- Bart: Incontinent! [laughs] Too rich!
- Lisa: Does either of you know what incontinent means?
- Homer: Lisa, don't spoil our fun.
- Marge: Come on, everybody, it's time to go.
- Homer: OK, stupid.
- Marge: Homer, you've got to stop insulting everyone, especially your boss!
- Homer: Marge, the comedy roast is an American tradition. It's what gives us the freedom to criticize our social betters. [Outside, Flanders is clipping the hedge] Hey Flanders! You smell like manure.
- Flanders: Uh oh. Better cancel that dinner party tonight. Thanks for the nose-news, neighbor!
- Smithers: I have some sad news to report. A small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was just run over in the parking lot.
- [Audience gasps]
- Smithers: And now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson!
- Homer: Are you ready to laugh?
- Man: That poor dog.
- Homer: Are you ready to laugh? I said, are you ready to laugh!?
- Lady: Quiet, you awful man.
- Homer: You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap.
- Mr. Burns: Whaaat?
- Homer: I mean...Mr. Burns is so old--
- Mr. Burns: How dare you!
- Homer: Woo hoo, tough crowd.
- Homer: Oh, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
- Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
- Marge: Bart, run down to the store and get a big bag of ice for your father.
- Bart: Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please don't deny the world your fat can.
- Homer: Don't worry, boy, he'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.
- Lisa: I knew it.
- Marge: I'm sure he'll offer a fair reward. And then we'll make him double it.
- Family: Huh?
- Marge: Well, why can't I be greedy once in a while?
- Ice Delivery Man: You've got to start charging more than a dollar a bag. We lost four more men on this expedition!
- Apu: If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it.
- Nelson: My old man can't get a beer because his old man won't give a bear to another old man! Let's get him!
- Jimbo: Wait, why are we getting him?
- Martin: Look, fellows. The first snapdragon of the season.
- Nelson: Never mind. Let's get him!
- Smithers: Who's Bobo, sir?
- Mr. Burns: Bobo? Duh..uh, I meant Lobo...Sherrif Lobo, they should have never canceled that show.
- Bart: [Pulls Bobo out of the bag of ice] Hey, it's a teddy bear. Gross, it's probably diseased or something. Here, Maggie.
- Homer: Who needs his money? We're getting by okay.
- [Grampa crashes a Ute through the Simpsons' wall.]
- Grampa: Son, you gotta help me! I hit three people on the way over here, and I don't have any insurance! [pause] So, how's my Ute?
- Homer: My life can't get any worse.
- Smithers: Homer Simpson, report for "much worse" duty.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm so happy. Something amazing has happened, I'm actually happy. Take a note! From now on, I'm only going to be good and kind to everyone.
- Smithers: I'm sorry sir, I don't have a pencil.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, don't worry, I'm sure I'll remember it.
