Difference between revisions of "The Dad Who Knew Too Little/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 06:13, June 9, 2024

Marge: A girl should have her own private diary. I had to share mine with my uncle.

Homer: One Turbo Diary, please.

Raphael: [to Bart] Trying to keep those crushes secret, eh Romeo?

Bart: It's not for me. I'm not a girl like you.

Raphael: Well played.

Tickle-Me-Krusty: I'm anatomically correct! Go ahead, take a peek. I wonder what mommy's medicine tastes like!

Homer: Children don't remember bad birthdays, do they?

Homer: Look Lisa, I'm still trying to get to know you. Who's your favorite Traveling Wilbury? Is it Jeff Lynne?

Lisa: Dad, you've had eight years to get to know me. It's too late.

Homer: But I'm full of questions. What's your favorite cigar size? Is it Robusto? Is it?!

Homer: Oh, my daughter hates me because I don't know anything about her.

Moe Szyslak: Ah, well, whenever I gotta know something about a broad, I use this guy. [hands Homer a card] This detective is unbelievable. He can learn more about a chick by digging through one garbage can than you could from years of intimacy.

Carl Carlson: He found out who was cobbling shoes for me at night. Turns out I have severe schizophrenia.

Dexter Colt: What can I do for you?

Homer: My name is Homer Simpson. And I desperately need your help.

Dexter Colt: Let me guess. It's about a girl.

Homer: [gasps] How did you know?

Dexter Colt: It's always a dame. Usually with gams that don't quit. Till they get to the shoes. And then they're only napping.

Homer: Now, if you need to reach me, my email is chunkylover53 at AOL.

Dexter Colt: Chunky... lover... 53?

Homer: It's one word.

Dexter Colt: One word.

Homer: chunkylover53

Dexter Colt: At AOL.

Homer: Dot com.

Ralph Wiggum: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.

Dexter Colt: Yes, yes, you said that already. What else do you know?

Ralph: I once picked my nose till it bleeded.

Dexter Colt: [exasperated] About Lisa!

Ralph: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.

Dexter Colt: Someone's already worked this guy over.

Dexter Colt: I believe there's still the matter of my expenses.

Homer: Oh yes. Well, let's take a look and see—a thousand dollars! How did you spend a thousand dollars?

Dexter Colt: It's itemized.

Homer: [reading] A forty dollar steak?!

Dexter Colt: Yeah, but if I'd eaten the whole thing, it would've been free.

Homer: You've been living like a king on my dollar... Super unleaded gas... Silver bullets?

Dexter Colt: Early on I was working under the theory that your daughter was a werewolf. It didn't pan out.

Homer: I can't believe the man who agreed to follow my daughter around... for money... would turn out to be a dirt bag.

Kent Brockman: I'm here at the Screaming Monkey Research Labs, where hundreds of test animals have been freed by unknown activists. Chief Wiggum, do you have a statement?

Chief Wiggum: Uh, yes. Yes I do, Kent. This is a horrible crime. One that-- [laughs] Cut it out, Lou. He's makin' funny faces.

Lou: Sorry, Chief. One of these monkeys has the same name as my ex-wife.

Chief Wiggum: Would an innocent person flee? No, really. Tell me. I honestly don't know.

Motel clerk: Names, please.

Lisa: Lady Penelope Ariel-Ponyweather.

Homer: Uh, Rock Strongo.

Motel clerk: Your real name?

Homer: Uh, Lance Uppercut.

Motel clerk: Thank you. Sign here, Mr. Uppercut.

Homer: The man who framed you is a crooked detective. Who I hired!

Lisa: Why did you do that?

Homer: To find out everything about you so I'd seem like a good father.

Lisa: How could you?

Homer: Well, all the childless drunks at Moe's thought it was a great idea.

Lisa: Those are the test animals! The detective must have sold them to the circus.

Homer: We'll just tell the police and then I'm back to being plain old Rock Strongo.

Homer: How ironic. Now he's blind after a life of enjoying being able to see.