Difference between revisions of "Homer's Triple Bypass/Quotes"

Revision as of 00:16, January 21, 2021

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Bart: [at breakfast] Hey, Lis, I heard that there was a train wreck last night. Wanna see the victims?

Lisa: Sure. [Bart opens his mouth, showing "see-food"] Bart, that's gross!

Bart: You're right. Let's bury them at sea. [scoops it into Lisa's cereal]

Bart: What's wrong, Dad?

Homer: [strained from feeling chest pains] You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I got that right now... [back to normal] Ooh, bacon!

Marge: Homer, I've made a special surprise just for you!

Homer: It can only be one thing. [imagines a roast pig suggesting Homer eat his rump.]

Marge: [hands Homer a bowl of oatmeal] Here you go.

Homer: What the hell is this?

Marge: Nice, healthy oatmeal.

Homer: [sarcastic] Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it. [dumps the oatmeal in the sink.]

Marge: No there isn't.

Homer: Trust me. [starts eating bacon.]

Bart: Dad, there's a bug on that.

Homer: Naah. [keeps on eating.]

[At the gas station]

Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.

[The noise is heard between Homer and an attendant he speaks to.]

Attendant: It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump.

Homer: Oh, I thought it was my transmission. [drives away]

Boy: Where's he going?

Attendant: You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?

Boy: We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?!

Attendant: You're a dull boy, Billy.

[Mr. Burns, watching his bank of monitors, sees Homer eating donuts]

Mr. Burns: Look at that pig, stuffing his face with donuts on *my time*! That's right, keep eating... Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [chuckles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there, Smithers?

Smithers: Err... no, Sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder.

Mr. Burns: [angry] Damn their oily hides!!

[He sees Homer sleeping, with his head on the donut box]

Mr. Burns: Bring him to me!!

[Homer stands worriedly in Mr. Burns' office; a "window" shows his heart beating fast]

Mr. Burns: Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...

Homer: Whew... [heart slows down]

Mr. Burns: ...and goodbye! You're fired!

Homer: [gags; his heart beats faster]

Mr. Burns: But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...

Homer: Whew... [heart slows down again]

Mr. Burns: ...at goofing off!

Homer: Uuurgh! [clutches his chest as his heart beats even faster]

Mr. Burns: Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...

Homer: Whew... [heart slows down once more]

Mr. Burns: ...a grave for!

Homer: Uuurrgghh!! [clutches his chest as his heart beats extremely fast]

Mr. Burns: Your indolence is inefficacious!

Homer: Huh? [stares blankly; his heart beats normally]

Mr. Burns: That means you're terrible!!

Homer: Aaaaarrrggghhh!! [his heart goes crazy; the "window" shatters and he collapses]

Mr. Burns: Hmm?

Smithers: [examines Homer] Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. [as he says this, Homer's astral body rises from Homer's physical body]

Mr. Burns: Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow.

Homer's astral body: Mmm... ham. [returns to Homer's physical body]

Smithers: No, wait. He's alive.

Mr. Burns: Oh, good. Cancel the ham!

Homer: D'oh!

Marge: [answers the phone] Hello... Yes? Oh my Lord! Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! [leaves]

Patty: Oh my God.

Selma: What?

Patty: 5 cents off wax paper.

Selma: [slaps her cheek in amazement]

Homer: [to Dr. Hibbert] Remember your Hippopotamus oath!

Marge: Can't you do something for him?

Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.

Homer: What an age we live in!

[Homer stands behind an X-ray machine]

Dr. Hibbert: Now what you see here is the radioactive dye flowing through your husband's circulatory system.

Nurse: But Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet!

Dr. Hibbert: Good Lord!

Homer: Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly!

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.

Homer: Say it in English, Doc.

Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open heart surgery.

Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.

Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.

Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?

Marge: Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homey well.

Dr. Hibbert: Good. I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards to $30,000.

Homer: Aaarrrggh! [collapses]

Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid it's now $40,000.

Marge: Don't you have a health plan at work?

Homer: We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge.

Marge: D'oh!

Homer: Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

[Homer's at Merry Widow Insurance Co.]

Clerk: Now before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions.

Homer: Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- [realizes] I mean ask away.

Clerk: Now, under "heart attacks", you crossed out three and wrote zero.

Homer: Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages".

Clerk: All right. Here's your policy.

Homer: Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just--

Clerk: Wait, you haven't signed it yet.

Homer: [takes pen] Oh, yeah, I-- [gags] ... must... sign... policy!

Clerk: [pulling policy] I'm sorry, sir, we can't insure you!

Homer: I made an H!

Clerk: That doesn't count!

Homer: Looks like an X.

[The clerk manages to pull it away.]

Clerk: We better get you to a hospital.

Homer: Can I have a free calendar?

Clerk: OK.

Homer: Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pyjamas sticking pitchforks in my butt!

[Homer with Reverend Lovejoy]

Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there blah-blah-blahing, I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Well, anywho, can I have $40,000? [Lovejoy's eyes widen]

[cut to Homer with Rabbi Krustofsky]

Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I rented "Fiddler on the Roof" and I will watch it. Anyway, can I have $40,000?

Rabbi Krustofsky: [raises eyebrows] Hmm?

[cut to Homer with Sadruddin Mabaradad]

Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best... aw, forget it. [walks away]

Bart: Any luck, Dad?

Homer: No, but the rabbi gave me this. [spins a dreidel]

Bart: What is that?

Homer: Son, it's called a droodel.

Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV Generation.

Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.

Homer: Really? What's it like?

Lisa: Ehh. [shrugs]

Bart: Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad—for awhile.

Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?

Homer: He sold poison milk to school children.

Homer: Bed goes up, bed goes down...

Ned: [praying] Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and "Sweating to the Oldies" Volumes 1, 2, and 4.

Grampa: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it!

Barney: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it!

Homer: Barney, I'm not getting a sex change!

Barney: What? What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini?

Moe: Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake.

Homer: Thanks, Moe. [drinks it]

Moe: You know, Homer, that beer ain't free.

[At the medical library, Dr. Nick Riviera watches a video about how to do a coronary bypass]

Doctor: Insert the retractor and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. [crack; gush]

Dr. Nick: [recoils] Oh, no! Blood! Ugh!

Doctor: Next, make an incision in the coronary artery --

[The screen fritzes into a cheesy talk show]

Host: And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things.

[The guests are men with heads resembling a cash register, a palm tree, a sweeping brush, a pumpkin and a coffee pot, respectively]

Dr. Nick: Oh, no! No! Someone taped over the end of this!

Pumpkinhead: All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect.

Host: [sly] And a new candle now and then?

Pumpkinhead: Yes, and a new c-- [realizes] no! [scowls as the audience laughs]

Homer: Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens. Let's see... er... Oh, I'm no good at this.

Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear]

Homer: Bart, the saddest thing about this is I'm not going to see you grow up...

Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear]

Homer: ... because I know you gonna turn out well, with or without your old man.

Bart: Thanks, Dad.

Homer: And Lisa...

Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]

Homer: I guess this is the time to tell you...

Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]

Homer: ... that you're adopted and I don't like you. [realizes] Bart!

Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]

Homer: But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you.

Lisa: Oh, Dad. [hugs him]

Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody!

Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick!

Dr. Nick: If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved!

Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.

Barney: How long has it been?

Moe: 6 seconds.

Barney: Do we have to start over?

Moe: Hell no.

Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?

Customer: Give me some jerky.

Apu: Would you like some vodka with that?

Customer: Oh, what the hell, sure.

Dr. Nick: Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The B is for Bargain!

Dr. Nick: I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? [removes surgical mask] And where?

Lisa: [from the amphitheater] Hey! The incision in the coronary artery must be made below the blockage! Below!!

Dr. Nick: Thanks, little girl! [puts mask back on and starts singing] The knee bone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wristwatch... Uh oh.

Mr. McGreg: [menacingly] Dr. Nick Riviera, remember me?

Dr. Nick: Well, if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg!

Lisa: All right, Dad!

Bart: You rule intensive care!