Homer's Triple Bypass/Quotes
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< Homer's Triple Bypass
Revision as of 00:00, January 21, 2021 by 37.228.239.156 (talk) (Tidied the quote involving the taped-over coronary bypass video)
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- Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
- Bart: [at breakfast] Hey, Lis, I heard that there was a train wreck last night. Wanna see the victims?
- Lisa: Sure. [Bart opens his mouth, showing "see-food"] Bart, that's gross!
- Bart: You're right. Let's bury them at sea. [scoops it into Lisa's cereal]
- Bart: What's wrong, Dad?
- Homer: [strained from feeling chest pains] You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I got that right now... [back to normal] Ooh, bacon!
- Marge: Homer, I've made a special surprise just for you!
- Homer: It can only be one thing. [imagines a roast pig suggesting Homer eat his rump.]
- Marge: [hands Homer a bowl of oatmeal] Here you go.
- Homer: What the hell is this?
- Marge: Nice, healthy oatmeal.
- Homer: [sarcastic] Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it. [dumps the oatmeal in the sink.]
- Marge: No there isn't.
- Homer: Trust me. [starts eating bacon.]
- Bart: Dad, there's a bug on that.
- Homer: Naah. [keeps on eating.]
- [At the gas station]
- Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.
- [The noise is heard between Homer and an attendant he speaks to.]
- Attendant: It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump.
- Homer: Oh, I thought it was my transmission. [drives away]
- Boy: Where's he going?
- Attendant: You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
- Boy: We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?!
- Attendant: You're a dull boy, Billy.
- [Mr. Burns, watching his bank of monitors, sees Homer eating donuts]
- Mr. Burns: Look at that pig, stuffing his face with donuts on *my time*! That's right, keep eating... Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [chuckles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there, Smithers?
- Smithers: Err... no, Sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder.
- Mr. Burns: [angry] Damn their oily hides!!
- [He sees Homer sleeping, with his head on the donut box]
- Mr. Burns: Bring him to me!!
- [Homer stands worriedly in Mr. Burns' office; a "window" shows his heart beating fast]
- Mr. Burns: Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...
- Homer: Whew... [heart slows down]
- Mr. Burns: ...and goodbye! You're fired!
- Homer: [gags; his heart beats faster]
- Mr. Burns: But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...
- Homer: Whew... [heart slows down again]
- Mr. Burns: ...at goofing off!
- Homer: Uuurgh! [clutches his chest as his heart beats even faster]
- Mr. Burns: Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...
- Homer: Whew... [heart slows down once more]
- Mr. Burns: ...a grave for!
- Homer: Uuurrgghh!! [clutches his chest as his heart beats extremely fast]
- Mr. Burns: Your indolence is inefficacious!
- Homer: Huh? [stares blankly; his heart beats normally]
- Mr. Burns: That means you're terrible!!
- Homer: Aaaaarrrggghhh!! [his heart goes crazy; the "window" shatters and he collapses]
- Mr. Burns: Hmm?
- Smithers: [examines Homer] Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. [as he says this, Homer's astral body rises from Homer's physical body]
- Mr. Burns: Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow.
- Homer's astral body: Mmm... ham. [returns to Homer's physical body]
- Smithers: No, wait. He's alive.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, good. Cancel the ham!
- Homer: D'oh!
- Marge: [answers the phone] Hello... Yes? Oh my Lord! Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! [leaves]
- Patty: Oh my God.
- Selma: What?
- Patty: 5 cents off wax paper.
- Selma: [slaps her cheek in amazement]
- Homer: [to Dr. Hibbert] Remember your Hippopotamus oath!
- Marge: Can't you do something for him?
- Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
- Homer: What an age we live in!
- [Homer stands behind an X-ray machine]
- Dr. Hibbert: Now what you see here is the radioactive dye flowing through your husband's circulatory system.
- Nurse: But Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet!
- Dr. Hibbert: Good Lord!
- Homer: Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly!
- Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
- Homer: Say it in English, Doc.
- Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open heart surgery.
- Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
- Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
- Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?
- Marge: Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homey well.
- Dr. Hibbert: Good. I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards to $30,000.
- Homer: Aaarrrggh! [collapses]
- Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid it's now $40,000.
- Marge: Don't you have a health plan at work?
- Homer: We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge.
- Marge: D'oh!
- Homer: Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
- [Homer's at Merry Widow Insurance Co.]
- Clerk: Now before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions.
- Homer: Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- [realizes] I mean ask away.
- Clerk: Now, under "heart attacks", you crossed out three and wrote zero.
- Homer: Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages".
- Clerk: All right. Here's your policy.
- Homer: Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just--
- Clerk: Wait, you haven't signed it yet.
- Homer: [takes pen] Oh, yeah, I-- [gags] ... must... sign... policy!
- Clerk: [pulling policy] I'm sorry, sir, we can't insure you!
- Homer: I made an H!
- Clerk: That doesn't count!
- Homer: Looks like an X.
- [The clerk manages to pull it away.]
- Clerk: We better get you to a hospital.
- Homer: Can I have a free calendar?
- Clerk: OK.
- Homer: Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pyjamas sticking pitchforks in my butt!
- [with Reverend Lovejoy]
- Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000? [Rev. Lovejoy's eyes widen]
- [with Rabbi Krustofsky]
- Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I have rented "Fiddler on the Roof" and I will watch it. Anyhoo, can I have $50,000?
- Rabbi Krustofsky: Hmm?
- Bart: Any luck, Dad?
- Homer: No, but the rabbi gave me this. [spins a dreidel]
- Bart: What is that?
- Homer: Son, it's called a droodel.
- Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV Generation.
- Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
- Homer: Really? What's it like?
- Lisa: Ehh. [shrugs]
- Bart: Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad—for awhile.
- Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
- Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
- Homer: He sold poison milk to school children.
- Homer: Bed goes up, bed goes down...
- Ned: [praying] Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and "Sweating to the Oldies" Volumes 1, 2, and 4.
- Grampa: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it!
- Barney: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it!
- Homer: Barney, I'm not getting a sex change!
- Barney: What? What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini?
- Moe: Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake.
- Homer: Thanks, Moe. [drinks it]
- Moe: You know, Homer, that beer ain't free.
- [At the medical library, Dr. Nick Riviera watches a video about how to do a coronary bypass]
- Doctor: Insert the retractor and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. [crack; gush]
- Dr. Nick: [recoils] Oh, no! Blood! Ugh!
- Doctor: Next, make an incision in the coronary artery --
- [The screen fritzes into a cheesy talk show]
- Host: And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things.
- [The guests are men with heads resembling a cash register, a palm tree, a sweeping brush, a pumpkin and a coffee pot, respectively]
- Dr. Nick: Oh, no! No! Someone taped over the end of this!
- Pumpkinhead: All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect.
- Host: [sly] And a new candle now and then?
- Pumpkinhead: Yes, and a new c-- [realizes] no! [scowls as the audience laughs]
- Homer: Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens. Let's see... er... Oh, I'm no good at this.
- Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear]
- Homer: Bart, the saddest thing about this is I'm not going to see you grow up...
- Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear]
- Homer: ... because I know you gonna turn out well, with or without your old man.
- Bart: Thanks, Dad.
- Homer: And Lisa...
- Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]
- Homer: I guess this is the time to tell you...
- Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]
- Homer: ... that you're adopted and I don't like you. [realizes] Bart!
- Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]
- Homer: But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you.
- Lisa: Oh, Dad. [hugs him]
- Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody!
- Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick!
- Dr. Nick: If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved!
- Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
- Barney: How long has it been?
- Moe: 6 seconds.
- Barney: Do we have to start over?
- Moe: Hell no.
- Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
- Customer: Give me some jerky.
- Apu: Would you like some vodka with that?
- Customer: Oh, what the hell, sure.
- Dr. Nick: Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The B is for Bargain!
- Dr. Nick: I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? [removes surgical mask] And where?
- Lisa: [from the amphitheater] Hey! The incision in the coronary artery must be made below the blockage! Below!!
- Dr. Nick: Thanks, little girl! [puts mask back on and starts singing] The knee bone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wristwatch... Uh oh.
- Mr. McGreg: [menacingly] Dr. Nick Riviera, remember me?
- Dr. Nick: Well, if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg!
- Lisa: All right, Dad!
- Bart: You rule intensive care!
