Judge Me Tender/Quotes
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< Judge Me Tender
Revision as of 08:48, July 25, 2020 by Solar Dragon (talk | contribs)
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- Homer: Oh my God. You never fail to nauseate me, boy.
- Bart: Just call me Barf Simpson.
- Homer: I wanted to, but your mother said kids might tease you.
- Lisa: Mr. Flanders, how did you make these amazing fish?
- Ned Flanders: Actually, God made some fish that were pretty close to these, so naturally we selected those for further breeding.
- Lisa: So that "natural selection" was the origin of this species?
- Ned: Yup, that's exactly... Oh, you almost got me.
- Moe Szyslak: Hey clown, we've heard your stand-up, now how about some shut-up!
- Krusty the Clown: Everybody's a comedian.
- Moe: Except you!
- Moe: Which means this joint is closed for the night.
- Barney Gumble: Don't be that way.
- Homer: You can't close! I'll have to go home and drink better beer at half the price in natural lighting!
- The Rich Texan: Now looky here. I'm no judge of talent, but I am a judge of judging. And in my judge judgment, you have a talent for judging talent.
- Moe: You talk like my ass plays harmonica.
- Moe: This is terrible! I've seen better stitching on a baseball glove!
- Dr. Nick: Can I have another corpse?
- Dr. Hibbert: They weren't corpses!
- Dr. Nick: Uh-oh.
- Homer: Wow, Marge. I can't believe you're taking me to a sports bar.
- Marge: Well, it's been such a... blessing having you around the house, "making my life easier," as you so put it, so I thought you deserved a reward.
- Moe: You wanted to see me, Simon?
- Simon Cowell: Moe, as you know, over the past few days I've grown rather fond of you.
- Moe: I can't believe you gave me your home phone number.
- Simon Cowell: That's not my home number. That's my assistant's work number.
- Moe: Wow. I can't believe this, Simon. Simon? Huh. Was he really here, or was it just my imagination?
- Simon Cowell: I'm here. My black tee shirt makes me blend into the shadows. I'm here...I'm gone. I'm here. I'm gone. I'm here. I'm gone. I'm here...
- Moe: I get it. I get it. That's your thing.
- Ryan Seacrest: Okay Randy, what'd you think of that performance?
- Randy Jackson: A'ight, a'ight -- You know what? I was feelin' that, dog. "Happy" was very cool, right? But "birth" was definitely a little pitchy, but -- I gotta tell you something -- you worked it out on "day," man. And then when you hit that "to you" -- dude, that was the bomb! You blew out all the candles, baby!
- Ryan Seacrest: If you think that answer was a yes, text the number at the bottom of the screen. Giant secret charges may apply.
- Ryan Seacrest: Ellen, what's your "ramble" on this?
- Ellen DeGeneres: Ryan, I don't ramble anymore. Although I do love that song "Ramblin' Man" by the Allman Brothers. I used to think that they were the "Almond Brothers," which was cool, because I love nuts. Except for filberts, which is weird because I love Dilbert -- 'cause when you're stuck workin' in a cubicle, sometimes you just gotta dance!
- Ryan Seacrest: Okay, that's four thumbs-up. And finally, because this show now has more judges than the Supreme court... Simon, what do you say?
- Simon Cowell: Well, that was truly a remarkable version of "Happy Birthday." Because when it was done, I actually felt like I had lost a year of my life.
- Moe: ...I didn't rip out his voice box, but I did stretch out his tee shirt, then they said I ain't allowed back in California no more and I can no longer make judgments about nothin'...
- Barney: Hey Moe, am I okay to drive?
- Moe: Legally, I can't say.
- Barney: To a drunk man that's a yes!
- Moe: There is one bright side: I'm also forbidden from ever watchin' Fox.
- Marge: You can't even show it in the bar?
- Moe: That's right -- and business has never been better.
