Difference between revisions of "Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble"/Quotes"

Revision as of 17:19, February 22, 2020

[Bart looks in a brochure for a ghost town.]

Bart: This ghost tow is gonna be great! Now with 30 percent more gun fights!

Marge: And 40 percent more rootin' tootin'!

Marge: It's so sweet of you to take us out like this, Homie! Come on, kids, three cheers for your father! Hip, hip...!

Lisa: Mom, don't.

Marge: Hip, hip...!

Bart: We heard you the first time!

Marge: [angry] Hip, hip...!

Homer: Hey, I'm tryin' to drive here!

Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?

Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there.

Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!

Tour Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by the Prostitute Express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from St. Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as the place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.

Homer: [impressed] Three minutes? [he whistles appreciatively]

Marge: I never realized history was so filthy!

Tour Guide: First on our tour is the whorehouse, then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello, and, finally, the old mission.

Marge: Oh, thank Heaven!

Tour Guide: Lots of prostitutes in there!

Homer: Hey, robot! get your metal ass down here!

Bartender: [walks down to Homer] First of all, I'm not a robot. And second, I got this metal ass in 'Nam, defending this country for lazy jerks like you.

Grampa: Can't get a good sasparilla like this back in Springfield. It angries up the blood.

Bartender: Heh, you like it, huh?

Grampa: Up yours!

Grampa: Can I go to the bathroom before we leave?

Homer: But we gotta get home. I don't want to miss Inside the Actor's Studio. Tonight is F. Murray Abraham.

Grampa: But I really need to-

Homer: [stern] F. Murray Abraham!

[Doctor Hibbert looks at Grampa's X-rays]

Dr. Hibbert: Oh, dear God! This man's kidneys have exploded! There's nothing left!

Marge: Oh, no!

Homer: Yeah, that's what happens when you get older. It's one of those natural things. Beautiful, in its way.

Dr. Hibbert: Uh, actually, his kidneys were fine yesterday when he had his annual checkup.

Homer: Excuse me, Doctor, I think I know a little something about medicine.

Grampa: I don't feel so good. Maybe I oughta eat something.

Dr. Hibbert: Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over.

Grampa: How long do I have to live, Doc?

Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] I'm amazed your alive now.

Homer: I'm the luckiest man in the world... now that Lou Gherig's dead.

Homer: It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor said it's just a procedure.

Moe: No, no, no. Makin' polenta, that's a procedure. You're talking about deadly, life-thretening surgery here.

Moe: Listen, I'm just gonna to get right to the point here. Can I have your buttocks, I mean, if you die? They look pretty comfortable.

Homer: Yeah, I guess.

Carl: And, uh, are those your original lips?

Homer: Well, actually, I - Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes!

Homer: I'll do it! But if I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me?

Marge: Oh, anything sweetheart!

Homer: Blow up the hospital.

Marge: Hrmmmm. Well, I said I'd do it, so I guess I'll have to.

Grampa: Am I dead yet?

Marge: No.

Grampa: How 'bout now?

Marge: No.

Grampa: Now?

Marge: I'll tell you when you're dead Grampa.

Grampa: Thank you.

Homer: The sea forgives all! Not like those mean old mountains. I hate them so much!

[Homer hangs onto the side of a tramp steamer.]

Homer: I'd like to apply for a job. Any job. If you don't have a captain, I can be that.

Captain McCallister: Yar, what other ships have ye been on?

[Homer points to a store shaped like a ship.]

Homer: I've been on that one. The taffy shop.

Captain McCallister: Arr, good enough.

Captain McCallister: Welcome aboard the ship of... [dramatic] lost souls.

Homer: The name on the back says "Honeybunch".

Captain McCallister: Yar, I've been meaning to paint over that.

[In Grampa's hospital room, Marge turns to Reverend Lovejoy.]

Marge: Aren't you going to give him the last rites?

Reverend Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance.

Lisa: Dr. Hibbert, I thought you located another kidney for Grampa.

Dr. Hibbert: Larry Hagman took it! He's got five of them now. And three hearts. We didn't want to give them to him, but he overpowered us.

Dr. Hibbert: While we were setting your broken bones and putting your blood back in, we helped ourselves to a kidney and gave it to your father.

Grampa: [to Jasper after Homer's car breaks down in front of Springfield Retirement Castle] Ah! They remembered my birthday! [stands up and walks like a zombie toward them]

Homer: [starting the car] Come on! Start damn you! Start!

Grampa: [singing] Happy birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. [leans at the window Homer screams trying to start the car]