Difference between revisions of "D'oh-in' in the Wind/Quotes"

Revision as of 06:07, January 13, 2019

[After appearing in a recruitment film for Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, Homer decides to join the Screen Actors' Guild. He needs his middle name for the S.A.G. form, but only knows his middle initial.]

Homer: Hey, Dad, what does the "J" stand for?

Grampa: How should I know? It was your mother's job to name you, and love you and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking.

Homer: But I can't ask Mom; she's on the run from the law!

Grampa: Serves her right for being a 60s radical! [fondly remembering] Though she was a demon in the sack!

[The family try to help Homer with the S.A.G. form.]

Bart: Why not just make up a middle name?

Lisa: You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit.

Homer: No! Homer Simpson never lies twice on the same form. He never has and he never will.

Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.

Homer: Yes, but they were all part of a single ball of lies.

[In search of Homer's middle name, he and Grampa visit Groovy Grove Natural Farm, the commune where Homer's mom Mona went after leaving Abe. Abe notices two middle-aged men playing hackey sack.]

Grampa: I remember them. Seth and Munchie. Look at those filthy, lazy, flea-bitten... [sees them looking towards him] Oh, hi there!

Seth: Hey, check it out!

Munchie: Is that... Abe Simpson? Jeez, man, we haven't seen you since Woodstock.

Homer: [surprised] You went to Woodstock?

Grampa: [bitterly] Your mother dragged us both to that godforsaken love-fest!

[Flashback to Woodstock, during Jimi Hendrix's guitar-solo performance of "The Star-Spangled Banner". While everyone else is casually dressed, Abe looks decidedly out of place wearing a business suit.]

"Little Homer's trying to groove!"

Grampa: [holding up a sign reading "Bowzer for President"] Boo! Bring on Sha Na Na!

Mona: Whoa, mellow out, Abe. Little Homer's trying to groove!

[Abe turns around and sees young Homer dancing naked in the mud, playing air guitar and singing to Hendrix's guitar licks.]

Grampa: [grabbing Homer by the arm] Shame on you, boy! Put some damn pants on, and then pull' em down! 'Cause it's time for a spanking!

Munchie: Whoa! Get a load of Captain Bringdown!

Seth: Yeah, whoa!

Homer: [protesting as Grampa leads him away] But I wanna play in the mud and be a hippie!

Grampa: Never! What you need's a good long hitch in Vietnam! There must be a enlistment tent around here somewhere.

[Back to the present, and back to the topic of Homer's mom. Seth and Munchie remember Mona.]

Seth: You know, Homer, your mom was a pretty groovy chick.

Munchie: And a demon in the sack! [they both chuckle]

Grampa: Oh, you heard about that, eh? [laughs]

[Seth and Munchie go silent for a moment, glance at each other, and then laugh along with Grampa.]

[Having embraced the hippie liefstyle, Homer tries to get Marge to go along with him.]

Homer: Marge, you've got too many hang-ups. Like, the whole shaving trip. Come on, I want to see those legs all furry and gross!

Marge: That ain't gonna happen, bub.

Homer: Well, at least lose the bra. Free the Springfield Two, Marge! Free the Springfield Two!

Marge: [grumbles] I think you've had too much strawberry wine.

[While cleaning house, Marge notices an empty space where the couch is supposed to be. Then she hears a scream coming from outside. Investigating, she goes outside and sees that Maude Flanders is screaming at the sight of Homer lying naked on the couch, playing with his Frisbee.]

Maude: [still screaming] Help! Oh, I've never seen anything like— [covers eyes] My eyes have been soiled!

Homer: [standing up facing Maude] Come on, Maude, the human wang is a beautiful thing!

[At Groovy Grove, Homer tries to get Seth and Munchie to go along with him to freak people out.]

Seth: Yeah, an old-time freak-out sounds tempting, Homer, but [sighing] we've got a big order to fill.

Homer: [sarcastically] Fine. I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.

Munchie: I suppose we could duck out for a couple of hours.

Seth: Hey, we'll call it a business trip and write off the mileage!

Homer: Now your freak flag's flyin'! Let the freak-out begin!

[The freak-out trio drive through Downtown Springfield. With the sunroof open, Munchie stands up in the car and blows soap bubbles in the street. Homer dons a jester's hat to take his turn.]

Homer: Have no fear, the Cosmic Fool is here! To blow the lid off your conformist button-down world!

Krusty the Clown: [derisively, as he rides a unicycle being pulled by a monkey on roller skates] Weirdoes!

[The trio pull up next to Marge and stop.]

Homer: Hi, Marge. We're freaking out squares.

Marge: [annoyed and embarassed] Oh, Lord...

Homer: What's in your brand-new bag, Momma?

Marge: Oh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. Forty-eight waist with the balloon seat, right?

Homer: [dismayed] Marge, not in front of the hippies!

[Behind Homer, Seth and Munchie chuckle.]

[The freak-out moves on to Springfield Elementary School, where the trio arrive at lunchtime, playing "The Star-Spangled Banner" on kazoos.]

Homer: [bursting into the cafeteria] Hear ye, hear ye! The intergalactic jester proclaims this conformity factory closed!

[The children cheer and quickly run out of the cafeteria, followed by the freak-out trio, leaving Principal Skinner standing in the cafeteria all by himself.]

Skinner: Fifteen years of loyal service, and this is how they tell me? A jester with an invisible proclamation?

[The trio return from the freak-out to find that Homer's Frisbee has ruined a whole batch of juice. Homer resolves to make things right by re-making the batch at night while Seth and Munchie sleep. His task accomplished, Homer greets them first thing the next morning.]

Homer: [to Munchie] Good morning, Starshine! [to Seth] Seth.

[Seth and Munchie notice the empty field and gasp.]

Munchie: What's going on?

Seth: What happened to our crops?

Homer: I picked 'em, juiced 'em, and delivered 'em to every store in town. Your business is saved!

Munchie: But there weren't enough vegetables left to fill that order!

Homer: That's what I thought at first. But then I found the other garden behind the barn! The one with the camouflage netting.

Munchie: Uh-oh.

Seth: Homer... those were our personal vegetables.

Homer: Well, now the whole town can benefit from their nutrients.

[Stopped in traffic, Ned Flanders drinks the juice in his car, and is shocked at his hallucinations.]

Flanders: Huh?

[Two teddy bears and a skeleton cross the road and laugh.]

Skeleton: Mornin', Ned!

[Next, marching hammers cross the road, and one looks at Ned, showing that it has the Rolling Stones' "Lips & Tongue."]

Hammer Lips: Pucker up, Ned!

[The Hammer comes closer to Ned and attempts to kiss him. Ned screams.]

[The juice freaks people out all over town, including at the police station. Chief Wiggum notices Lou spinning in a chair, laughing and holding a bottle of juice.]

Wiggum: Lou. Lou! Are you all right?

Lou: The electric yellow has got me by the brain banana.

Wiggum: I... see.

[Wiggum grabs the bottle from Lou, dips a fingertip into the juice, and has a taste.]

Wiggum: My God, it's nothing but carrots and peyote!

Eddie: Damn longhairs never learn, Chief.

Wiggum: It's time for a good old-fashioned hippie ass-whomping!