Shoddy Heat/Quotes
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- Grampa: [voiceover] They say women are like soda water. They go better with a gallon of scotch. And when the weather is hot, we drink a lot. And sometimes it's so hot people open their windows to let the air in, and their secrets out.
- Homer: Typical. My entire life you've never done one nice thing for me. And I'm always kind and loving. So redirect that AC or we're moving you to a worse home.
- Grampa: There is no worse home.
- Homer: I mean the one they put veterans in.
- Grampa: You monster! Elder abuse!
- Grampa: What are we doing here?
- Chief Wiggum: We're here because when they dug up one grave, they saw something no one should see. Come on, kids. Let me show ya. Get your phones.
- Bart: Grampa, you were a private detective? It takes you an hour to find your socks.
- Young Agnes Skinner: I'm Agnes Skinner. And I want you to follow my boyfriend.
- Young Grampa: Oh. Who's your boyfriend?
- Young Agnes: A rich bald vulture by the name of Montgomery Burns. I think he's cheating on me with someone younger and sexier.
- Young Grampa: I don't buy your story.
- Young Agnes: Which part?
- Young Grampa: The part where there's someone younger and sexier than you.
- Young Homer: I don't get a new mommy?
- Young Grampa: I'll be your daddy and your mommy, Son. Now, be quiet and leave me alone.
- Chief Wiggum: What did your partner say when he got back?
- Grampa: Nothing. Which isn't surprising because he never came back.
- Lou: Never came back? What did you do?
- Grampa: Got new business cards. "Abe Simpson and nobody. Private investigators."
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, yeah? How'd you like it if we put you in an interrogation room with a bare light bulb, no bathroom, and a cold steel chair with an uneven leg?
- Grampa: I'd call that an upgrade.
- Marge: I can't believe it. Would Grampa really not look for his partner?
- Homer: It's exactly what he would do. He didn't look for his missing wife. He couldn't find our runaway dog. He didn't realize I was lost at the zoo until the chimpanzee in the car seat threw up. He still sends that monkey birthday cards.
- Bart: Coffin, eh? You're saying he's a vampire?
- Lisa: [imitating Count Dracula] Yes, he's a vampire. We must inwestigate his blood. Blah!
- Bart: You're treating me like a child. And I love it. Say "blah" two more times and I'm in.
- Lisa: Blah. Blah.
- Lou: Chief, that's the old man's granddaughter.
- Chief Wiggum: And you didn't want to set up a stakeout.
- Lou: No, I wanted to. You didn't.
- Chief Wiggum: Well, somebody did... Shut up.
- Lisa: I always looked up to you, Grampa.
- Grampa: Well, I'm shrinking every day. So I'll be down to you mighty soon.
- Lou: Two visitors in one day. There's something rotten in the state of Denmark.
- Chief Wiggum: [scoffs] Is that the state we're in? Denmark? Ha!
- Principal Skinner: You wanna play Chex box?
- Bart: You mean Xbox?
- Principal Skinner: No, Chex box. There are two extremely challenging mazes on the back. Would you like to get the spoon back to the dishwasher or help the milk find the refrigerator?
- Bart: Oh, I'd like the principal to find his manhood, if you don't mind.
- Principal Skinner: I am muy macho, amigo. Now, choose your Hello Kitty pencil and get tracing.
- Charles Montgomery Burns: How did you get through the unguarded grounds and sliding door?
- Young Mr. Burns: Let's make a deal. You forget about your ex-partner, and I'll give your son a job when he grows up.
- Young Grampa: He don't need your help.
- Young Homer: Daddy. Daddy!
- Young Mr. Burns: I will give that poor, pathetic knuckle-brain a job and never fire him, no matter how often and how badly he messes up.
- Young Homer: Help! Help!
- Mr. Burns: And that's why your son wasn't fired for screwing up 742 times. Tarnation, is he bad!
- Homer: No matter how big of an idiot I am, I can never lose my job! I'm like a Supreme Court Justice.
- Mr. Burns: Me? Kill someone? Oh, sure, blame the ruthless villain.
- Billy O'Donnell: Abe, is that you? Wow, look at you. [chuckles] You aged terribly.
- Grampa: You're alive?
- Billy O'Donnell: Well, if you call drinking rum out of a coconut, surfing, and hanging out with beautiful women "living," then yeah, I guess I've been living. [chuckles]
- Agnes: I wanted you to think Burns killed your partner. So you would kill Burns.
- Mr. Burns: Why would anyone want to kill me?
- Agnes: Because when I got to know you, I realized your heart was as ugly and withered as your ass.
- Agnes: And Abe, remember this, you were too good a lover to be more than just a friend.
- Grampa: What does that mean?
- Agnes: I'm trying to leave you with something.
- Grampa: I'll take it!
