A Star Is Torn/Quotes
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- [Apu is being robbed]
- Apu: [under breath] Call the police.
- Homer: [loud whisper] I need change for a dollar.
- Apu: [under breath] No change without purchase.
- Homer: [loud whisper] What's the cheapest thing you've got?
- Apu: [under breath] A two ounce bag of chips. Five ninety-nine.
- Homer: [loud whisper] Five ninety-nine?! What a rip-off! Someone should shoot you!
- Bart: No fair, Lisa didn't get sick.
- Lisa: It's 'cause your bodies are so used to processed food it's a shock when you eat vegetables full of vitamins, minerals and trace amounts of bug feces.
- Homer: Lisa sings so sweetly and Bart is my pillow... everyone's good for something.
- Lisa: Looks like you guys are on the mend.
- Bart: Yeah, 'cause we're through with vegetables. From now on, I'm only eating food that I know had a soul.
- Krusty the Clown: The winner will be animated into an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon! So enter today—especially if you're a funny-looking kid who doesn't know he sucks!
- Milhouse: [runs to the phone] I'm-a comin', Krusty!
- Krusty: All right, kids. Let's do this quick. After this, I gotta record twenty-seven seasons of DVD commentaries. And I remember nothing!
- Marge: Lisa, that sounds like a fancier version of the song you're going to sing!
- Homer: And she's giving us the emotional experience of a lifetime. Oh, thank you for this angel, Lord!
- Sideshow Mel: This contest is moot. A Li'l Star has been made!
- Mr. Largo: When she sings a C, it's a C! Unlike a certain glee club I've wasted my life on!
- Krusty: Well, I may not know much, but I do know talent when my producers point it out to me.
- Lisa: There's no way I'm gonna beat her.
- Bart: Why? Just because she sings like Whitney Houston brought to life?
- Homer: Don't lose hope, sweetie. I'm gonna write you a song so great, you can't lose. And that's not just the beer talking. Your father's in here too.
- Homer: Here you go, honey. Sing this.
- Lisa: How did you write a song so quickly?
- Homer: Much of the tune is plagiarized. Now go, go, go!
- Lisa: I really do like working with you, Dad. Will you keep helping me?
- Homer: Of course, Sweetie. You and I are gonna write and sing our way out of this godforsaken Hellhole.
- Lisa: But your song said you liked Springfield.
- Homer: I wrote it about Shelbyville, then changed the names.
- Lisa: I really appreciate your taking such an interest in me, Dad.
- Homer: Honey, our time together is precious to me. I didn't want to say anything, but I don't think I'm gonna be around much longer.
- Lisa: Really? What's wrong?
- Homer: Well, Moe's getting a big screen TV in February. Just in time for the Pro Bowl. Maybe this time my beloved blue shirts will win.
- Marge: Homie, I'm worried you're turning into some kind of super koo-koo stage mother.
- Bart: Yeah. For once, couldn't you just turn into a good father? Would that be so hard?
- Homer: You love sausage but you hate to see it getting made.
- Lisa: I don't like sausage.
- Homer: Then would you like to see it getting made?
- Lisa: Dad, I'm sorry you're hurt, but you left me no choice. You were obnoxious at a level not even permitted in show business.
- Homer: Do you know the hours I worked? The people I had to yell at? The tires I had to slash?
- Lisa: No one asked you to yell and slash!
- Homer: It's called schmoozing!
- Homer: I'm not Mr. Simpson. That ship has sailed. I'm Colonel Cool! And I'm the Captain on this rocket to the stars.
- Bart: So, are you a Colonel or a Captain?
- Homer: Neither. I'm both.
- Lisa: Dad, you know the best part about this whole thing has been the time we've spent together. I don't care if I win, just as long as you're in my corner again.
- Homer: I always was, honey. Look. Cameron's about to sing the song I wrote for him. He's about to learn the most important lesson in the music business: don't trust people in the music business.
- Lisa: Dad, you sabotaged Cameron for me!
- Homer: Sure did. I'd do anything for you, honey. Especially if it's easy.
- Lisa: Well, I think you're the sweetest Dad in the whole world.
- Homer: I'll always be there. Not even death will stop me.
- Lisa: Now you're getting creepy.
