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The Simpsons: Tapped Out Level 37 content update

Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
Revision as of 12:21, November 9, 2013 by AleWi (talk | contribs) (Weekend Dad Pt. 3)

Template:Semi The Simpsons: Tapped Out Level 37 content update is the The thirty-fifth content update for The Simpsons: Tapped Out and was bereleased on November 7, 2013. It included two characters, Kirk and Luann. Three buildings, Bachelor Arms Apartments, Cracker Factory, and Office of Unemployment and three decoration, the Southern Cracker Fountain, Golden Calf Idol, and Fleet-A-Pita Van.


Characters

Image Name Unlock message
Luann Van Houten.png Luann Tapped Out Unlock Luann.png
Kirk Van Houten.png Kirk I'm here because I have nowhere else to go!

Buildings

Image Name Building time Costs Task Character(s) unlocked when built Level required
Bachelor Arms Apartments Tapped Out.png Bachelor Arms Apartments Cash253,500 Kirk Level 37
Office of Unemployment Tapped Out.png Office of Unemployment Cash310,500
Cracker Factory Tapped Out.png Cracker Factory Donut150 Luann

Decorations

Image Name Costs Character(s) unlocked when built Level required
Tapped Out Southern Cracker Fountain.png Southern Cracker Fountain Donut30
Tapped Out Golden Calf Idol.png Golden Calf Idol Donut30
Tapped Out Fleet-A-Pita Van.png Fleet-A-Pita Van Krustyland Ticket.png500
Cash5,600

Gameplay

Level 37 Gameplay

Candy Day

After tapping on Bart's exclamation mark
Bart Milhouse, you look different. New inhaler? New medicated scalp shampoo? New spine shaper?
Milhouse This is what I look when I'm happy.
Bart What do you have to be happy about? You're Milhouse.
Milhouse Exactly! And today is Milhouse Day!
Milhouse It's a holiday I just invente, and it occurs every day!
Milhouse No parents, no homework, and no ear medicine -- just all the candy we can eat! This will go down in history!
Bart That's a tall order considering our video-game-shortened attention spans... Oh hey Milhouse, you look different.
The player receives "Candy Day" which is to "Make Bart Shop at Kwik E Mart" and "Make Milhouse shop At Kwik E Mart". It takes total 1 hours and the player receives total Cash240 and XP44 in reward.

Bachelor Arms

After tapping on Marge's exclamation mark
Marge I'd hate to seem "un-cool" or "un-hip" or "without wiggy" but...
Marge I've noticed a lot of children happily wandering around without the judgmental eye of a parent questioning all of their choices.
Rev. Lovejoy Look Marge, when you asked to help with the Church's bake sale, I expressly forbade meddling.
Marge Mmmmm...
Rev. Lovejoy And grumbling.
Rev. Lovejoy Alright fine, as a favor to God, what is you concern?
Marge It's Milhouse. I'm starting to think that he's a bad influence on Bart.
Rev. Lovejoy Right, and Jesus was a bad influence on Judas.
Rev. Lovejoy Instead of talking to THE father, why not talk to HIS father? My wife tells me he's in the doghouse again at the Bachelor Arms.
The player receives "Bachelor Arms" which is to "Build the Bachelor Arms". It takes 24 hours and the player receives total Cash100 and XP10 in reward.

Weekend Dad Pt. 1

After tapping on Milhouse's exclamation mark
Milhouse Dad! You’re back! Just when I thought I would have to go through puberty without male guidance.
Milhouse Luckily, I’m a late bloomer.
Kirk All the Van Houten’s are late bloomers. It’s actually our family crest.
Kirk My head hurts. The last thing I remember was arguing with your mother.
Kirk Then I woke up in my old bachelor pad, locked in the trunk of my racecar bed.
Kirk Is this Springfield? What happened here?
Milhouse That’s a long story, but I can tell you all about it!
Kirk How about over dinner? Good ol’ dad’s gonna treat you to the finest restaurant in town! Let me check the change purse...
Kirk On second thought, how about the finest restaurant most recently shut down by the health department?
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 1" which is to "Make Kirk Eat at Krusty Burger" and "Make Milhouse Eat at Krusty Burger". It takes 30 minutes and the player receives total Cash180 and XP30 in reward.
Milhouse Thanks, Dad — that was fun! Maybe we should make it a weekly thing?
Kirk Let’s not get our hopes up son. I am Kirk Van Houten after all — I may not always be rolling in so much spare change.
Kirk But it’s a new Springfield and a new me! From now on, when I cry in the shower, it will be standing up!

Weekend Dad Pt. 2

After tapping on Marge's exclamation mark
Marge Kirk, I’m glad you’re back. Milhouse has been a real bad influence on Bart lately.
Kirk Milhouse is now the bad kid! My kid is really moving up in the world. Usually it’s Bart who needs to be reined in.
Marge You’ve been gone for 36 levels and you have the gall to give me parenting advice?
Kirk 36 levels? How many characters did they have to go through to get to me? Did they even have names?
Marge I thought you knew. I’m really sorry to be breaking the fourth wall like this. Frankly, it’s cheap storytelling.
Kirk Cheap storytelling is all I deserve.
Kirk No, I’m the new Kirk and I’m not going to let this get to me.
Kirk I’m fine with level 36. 36 was a good year — I had most of my hair at 36.
Marge You’re actually level 37...
Kirk I lost all of my hair at 37! They built an amusement park before bringing me back! Can you believe that, kid?
Ralph I think I followed the wrong blue haired fat man home from the grocery store...
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 2" which is to "Make Kirk Cry Sitting Down in the Shower". It takes 4 hours and the player receives total Cash275 and XP55 in reward.

Weekend Dad Pt. 3

After tapping on Kirk's exclamation mark
Kirk There are just no job opportunities for a salt of the earth unsalted cracker man like myself.
Milhouse Maybe you should try something new?
Kirk Wafers? Biscuits? Tortillas? Biscotti?
Milhouse Maybe you need to think a little bit more outside the box.
Kirk But I already lost the company millions with Crackers in a Bag.
Milhouse Why don’t you go out and look for something new? I’m sure you’ll be bringing home the bacon in no time.
Kirk Bacon? Not on my budget.
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 3" which is to "Make Kirk Thaw Frozen Hotdogs in the Sink". It takes 12 hours and the player receives total Cash520 and XP110 in reward.
Kirk What am I doing? I was given a fresh start and already I’m eating expired partially thawed hot dogs.
Kirk Luann will never take me back if I don’t turn myself around and get a job.
Marge Maybe you should talk to Reverend Lovejoy.
Kirk Because he always offers sage advice to those in need?
Marge No, he’s just a bit friendlier to people showing up at his doorstep uninvited.

Weekend Dad Pt. 4

After tapping on Kirk's exclamation mark
Kirk Reverend, I’m here because I have nowhere else to go.
Rev. Lovejoy I understand. Desperation is the number one reason why people turn to religion.
Kirk Great, I’d like some money please.
Rev. Lovejoy You can’t just ask for money.
Kirk Isn’t that the point of the collection plate?
Rev. Lovejoy *sigh* If I get you a job interview, will you promise to leave and never to come back?
Kirk At least the first part!
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 4" which is to "Make Kirk Work at the School". It takes 24 hours and the player receives total Cash700 and XP160 in reward.
Willie You want to learn the ancient art of groundskeeping do ye? Well, it’s going to be a long road filled with arduous trials.
Willie Why I bet you don’t know the first thing about being a groundskeeper?
Kirk If someone vomits, clean it up.
Willie You’re a natural. Like a young me, only sadder. And fatter. And older.
Willie Now hold open this trash bag while a student volunteer shovels in pig guts.
Willie Add some chopped onion and you’ll have a mean haggis.
Nelson Haha! Milhouse’s dad has a job!

Weekend Dad Pt. 5

After tapping on Milhouse's exclamation mark
Milhouse You’re the school janitor?
Milhouse Couldn’t you find an embarrassing soul-crushing job somewhere where everyone I know WOULDN’T see you?
Kirk Actually, it’s an unpaid internship. But I get to take home the uneaten taco shells every Taco Tuesday!
Milhouse But if you’re not getting paid, why even take the job?
Kirk Because life is like a marriage… you just have to keep plugging away at it no matter how awful it is.
Kirk Besides, do you think a success story like Kent Brockman gets paid just to lie around all day?
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 5" which is to "Make Brockman Relax". It takes 60 minutes and the player receives total Cash170 and XP27 in reward.
Kirk Well that certainly showed me. I really wish I could have it that easy.
Milhouse Why can’t you?
Kirk There’s just nothing like that on my list of jobs.

Weekend Dad Pt. 6

After tapping on Kirk's exclamation mark
Kirk Uh hey Principal Skinner. All these cleaning supplies are giving me a rash, and my health insurance turned out to be just a band-aid and a tic-tac.
Skinner How much are we paying you?
Kirk Nothing.
Skinner Oh no, we can’t afford that. You’re fired, immediately.
Kirk Oh no, another failure. What am I going to do?
Lisa Mr. Van Houten, perhaps I can be of some help.
Kirk Marry Milhouse and give me one less mouth to feed?
Lisa Not in a thousand years. But there’s a job opening at the Springfield Library.
Kirk What is it? CEO? CFO? Head Librarian?
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 6" which is to "Make Kirk Work as a Library Door Monitor".

Weekend Dad Pt. 7

After tapping on Wiggum's exclamation mark
Wiggum Alright, vagrant. I’m placing you under arrest for loitering without a laptop or half-finished screenplay.
Kirk But I’m not a vagrant or a hack writer! I work here!
Wiggum A likely story! And a pretty good one. Good enough that it belongs in MY half-finished screenplay “All Hail the Chief: A Wiggum Adventure.”
Wiggum Lou, bring him in for questioning about his backstory.
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 7" which is to "Make Kirk Serve Time". It takes total 24 hours and the player receives total Cash700 and XP160 in reward.

Weekend Dad Pt. 8

After tapping on Fat Tony's exclamation mark
Fat Tony Mr. Van Houten! Before you return to your life of drudgery, perhaps you and I could come to some sort of favorable agreement.
Fat Tony I happen to have a legitimate job that needs doing, but all my employees are only trained in illegitimate jobs.
Fat Tony You see, an associate of mine has built some new condos, and it would please him greatly if someone were to help him in the sales department.
Kirk Like a real-estate agent?
Fat Tony I suppose you could look at it that way; but no, in reality not so much.
Fat Tony Perhaps I could say you have no choice in the matter. That it’s either this or you sleep with the fishes.
Kirk That’s a choice.
Fat Tony I can see why your wife divorced you.
Kirk That was a low blow. Lucky for you, I respond well to being belittled. You’ve got yourself an employee.
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 8" which is to "Make Kirk Advertise Condos". It takes total 12 hours and the player receives total Cash520 and XP110 in reward.

Weekend Dad Pt. 9

After tapping on Cletus's exclamation mark
Cletus Hot dog! That’s some top notch standin’. You interested in graduatin’ up to the big leagues?
Kirk I’ll do anything to get out of being a human sign! What do you need?
Cletus A human scarecrow. Them crows can smell failure a mile away.
Kirk A job where failure’s a requirement? Everything’s coming up Kirk!
Cletus You’ll have to provide your own tattered clothes... but I sees you got those already.
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 9" which is to "Make Kirk Protect Crops". It takes total 16 hours and the player receives total Cash600 and XP120 in reward.

Weekend Dad Pt. 10

After tapping on Milhouse's exclamation mark
Milhouse Dad, I haven’t seen you in ages. Is it because you found a job?
Kirk I didn’t just find one job, I found several. Why work one job with benefits when you can work lots of jobs without any at all?
Milhouse It’s the new American dream!
Kirk Great, want to go eat out at a restaurant to celebrate?
Kirk Even better idea. How about I go work at a restaurant to celebrate?
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 10" which is to "Make Kirk Work as an Assistant Dishwasher". It takes total 12 hours and the player receives total Cash520 and XP110 in reward.

Weekend Dad Pt. 11

After tapping on Kirk's exclamation mark
Kirk Milhouse, would it be too scarring for you if you rocked your old man to sleep in your arms, stroking his hair, telling him it's all going to work out?
Milhouse You lost your job again, didn't you?
Kirk Kids are just too perceptive these days.
Milhouse Don't worry -- I've got it covered! You know how all these years, you've that being friends with Bart was a waste of time?
Milhouse Well, not any more! His dad is desperate to hire someone!
Kirk What kind of job could Homer possibly be hiring for?
Milhouse I don't know -- but he said it's in the game industry.
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 11" which is to "Make Kirk Gold-Farm in Homer's Happy Little Elves Game". It takes total 24 hours and the player receives total Cash700 and XP160 in reward.
Homer Just keep doing the shortest jobs possible over and over again.
Homer That's the best way for me to get gold in Happy Little Elves game.
Kirk Can't you just buy some Elf Berries?
Homer I don't pay you to think. I pay you to tap!

Weekend Dad Pt. 12

After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark
Homer That was a great first day, Kirk.
Homer Now it's time for you to work your first night. And then the next day, and then the next night, and...
Kirk But Homer, I need to sleep.
Homer Fine, you can sleep after that. But I'm docking all this sleeping time you're taking from your salary.
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 12" which is to "Make Kirk Gold-Farm in Homer's Happy Little Elves Game" again. It takes total 24 hours and the player receives total Cash700 and XP160 in reward.

Weekend Dad Pt. 13

After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark
Homer Great work, Milhouse's Dad! Now I believe your cut was ten percent of the gold you farned me...
Kirk What?! You're going to pay me in-game currency? What good is that going to do me?!
Homer Maybe you haven't noticed, but it's all in-game currency around here. No one says "dollars" anymore.
Kirk Well, at least give me some premium currency then!
Homer Donuts? Fat chance, fatso!
Kirk I'm not the fatso -- you're the fatso!
Homer I believe you mean, "you're the fatso, boss."
Homer Here, I'll pay you this thing I found in the basement. It's been around for years and no one wants it. Just like you.
Kirk Wow, that was really mean.
Homer I know. I felt bad as soon as I said it, sorry. I think I'm just depressed because you're life is so sucky.
Message A Golden Calf Idol has been placed in your inventory.
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 13" which is to "Place the Golden Calf Idol". The player receives total Cash100 and XP10 in reward.

Weekend Dad Pt. 14

After tapping on Kirk's exclamation mark
Kirk I bet I can pawn this cow off at the comic book shop. He collects all sorts of weird stuff.
Comic Book Guy Ah, the golden statue from the discontinued dance show Twerkcules and the Golden Calf.
Comic Book Guy Unfortunately, this is a fake. Therefore, I will give you nothing for it.
Kirk Nothing? I was hoping for a little more than that!
Comic Book Guy Fine, I will pay you something, but only if you stand around in the shop.
Comic Book Guy Your presence makes my customers feel better about their own lives by comparison.
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 14" which is to "Make Kirk Get Belittled by Nerds". It takes total 12 hours and the player receives total Cash520 and XP110 in reward.
Kirk You know Milhouse, things are really looking up. Today I got a job based solely off my looks. Now I know how models feel.
Milhouse Sounds like people are finally appreciating you. Maybe now we can throw out all your vision boards?

Weekend Dad Pt. 15

After tapping on Milhouse's exclamation mark
Milhouse I guess you’re just about ready to nail a job as a big time manager, huh dad?
Kirk Yeah, about that... it doesn’t seem like getting work experience is all that helpful in actually getting work.
Kirk These jobs are all dead ends.
Kirk What I need is time to network in all those cracker factory social circles, maybe graduate up to the glitzy world of graham crackers.
Kirk But who’s going to pay you to take time off and noodle around, looking for your dream job?
Milhouse The government!
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 15" which is to "Build the Unemployment Office" and "Make Kirk Collect Unemployment Check". The player receives total Cash700 and XP160 in reward.
Kirk Wow, a check for doing nothing! Finally the government is good for something other than just building roads and hospitals.

Weekend Dad Pt. 16

After tapping on Milhouse's exclamation mark
Milhouse Dad, when I grow up I’m going to be unemployed. Just like you!
Kirk My son wants to follow in my footsteps. I am so proud.
Kirk This is cause for a celebration! The Van Houtens are going to dine on the best food an unemployment check will allow!
The player receives "Weekend Dad Pt. 16" which is to "Make Kirk Eat at Krusty Burger" and "Make Milhouse Eat at Krusty Burger". It takes 30 minutes and the player receives total Cash180 and XP30 in reward.
Milhouse You know, with you not working all the time, it’s been nice to actually spend some time together.
Kirk Without a job to get in the way, I see now that the most important thing in life is family.
Kirk And government-provided unemployment benefits. Yeah, mostly that.

Luann

Money vs. Milhouse Pt. 1

After tapping on Luann's exclamation mark
Luann Oh, Milhouse, my sweet sweet treasure! Mommy's come home.
Milhouse You're back! Finally someone who knows how to open the dryer. My pants are so damp.
Luann No so fast, baby bear. Mommy has to head to the factory and check on our family's bread and butter - crackers!
Luann Can you make yourself dinner?
Milhouse Dad taught me how to cook eggs on the radiator of the car.
Luann *Sigh* Your father spends one Labor Day Weekend in a homeless shelter and suddenly he's full of hobo tricks.
Luann Hold on an I'll cook you something nutritious to eat.
The player receives "Money vs. Milhouse Pt. 1" which is to "Make Luann make Mommy Meals for Milhouse" and "Make Luann Check on the Cracker Factory". It takes total 13 hours and the player receives total Cash805 and XP186 in reward.
Luann Milhouse, sit down, I’ve got some big news to tell you.
Milhouse I can’t sit down. I’m only programmed to walk and fade away into a house.
Luann That is exactly the tomfoolery I won’t have time for when I’m running the cracker factory!
Luann I became the new owner today!
Milhouse What happened to Grandpa Mussolini?
Luann My first act as CEO will be to enact some new safety regulations.
Luann Such as no one over the age of 80 can roller skate near the cracker cutters.

Money vs. Milhouse Pt. 2

After tapping on Luann's exclamation mark
Luann Now since I am new to the world of business, I need to network to make important and exciting contacts.
Milhouse I could introduce you to my friends. They are the working generation of tomorrow.
Luann No, I don’t want to see Kearny again... too many painful memories.
Milhouse So where are you going to network?
Luann At the only bar in town that accepts industrial cracker salt as payment.
Milhouse Just don't come home with another new uncle. I think the last one stole my walkie talkies.
The player receives "Money vs. Milhouse Pt. 2" which is to "Make Luann Go to Moe’s" "Make Milhouse Go to his Room". It takes 4 hours and the player receives total Cash535 and XP125 in reward.

Money vs. Milhouse Pt. 3

After tapping on Milhouse's exclamation mark
Milhouse Mom, what are all these boxes? Are they presents?
Luann Well, they’re presents for somebody. Somebody special. Me!
The player receives "Money vs. Milhouse Pt. 3" which is to "Make Luann Relax in a Jacuzzi Suit" and "Make Luann Ride in the MegaGlobe". It takes 36 hours and the player receives total Cash1,700 and XP385 in reward.

Money vs. Milhouse Pt. 4

After tapping on Milhouse's exclamation mark
Milhouse Mom, you’ve been a CEO for a week and haven’t gone into the office once.
Milhouse You just keep ordering inspirational business posters.
Luann I’ll have you know the key to success is inspirational business posters. So says this poster.
Milhouse Dad always says never waste your money on office decorations. Or office supplies. Or working fire exits.
Luann If your father’s so smart, then why didn’t he inherit a cracker factory?
Milhouse I’m just worried about paying for all this stuff.
Luann Don’t be. Because I’m going to hire the most expensive financial consultant money can buy!
The player receives "Money vs. Milhouse Pt. 4" which is to "Make Luann Get an Overpriced Consultant". It takes 12 hours and the player receives total Cash52 and XP115 in reward.

Money vs. Milhouse Pt. 5

After tapping on Milhouse's exclamation mark
Milhouse I know that look. It’s the same look Dad had when he was rejected from that medical study.
Milhouse Do you have clinically depressed sperm too?
Luann No, Milhouse. I maxed out the credit cards on that fancy consultant.
Luann Looks like we’ll have to discontinue our gluten-free, salt-free, reduced-taste cracker line.
Milhouse The Milhouse Signature? But I told all my friends I had a cracker named after me. They’re both going to be disappointed.
Luann I promise I can fix things. I just need to hire some new staff.
Milhouse But I thought you said all the money was gone.
Luann Remember when mommy and daddy weren’t talking and tried to buy your love with two allowances. You saved all that right?
Milhouse I was going to buy Lisa’s love with it, but my cracker legacy is more important. You can have it.
The player receives "Money vs. Milhouse Pt. 5" which is to "Make Luann Run the Cracker Factory" and "Make Springfield’s Working Class Work at the Cracker Factory".
Luann Look Milhouse, I singlehandedly saved the factory.
Milhouse That’s great! Does this mean I get my money back?
Luann Sorry sweetheart but corporate bonuses come first.
Luann And bad news, the Milhouse Signature was banned by the FDA. They said a cracker can’t be more than 80% cardboard.

The Investorettes Pt. 1

After tapping on Krabappel's exclamation mark

Template:Tapped Out Edna Icon

The Cracker Factory is really booming, Luann. Any tips for us amateur investors?
Luann Well, I could tell you my secret but then I’d have to kill you.
Luann Just kidding, the cracker business hasn’t been a front for the mob since 1973.
Agnes We’ve been planning to pool our money and buy a business but we can’t decide which. We’d love your opinion.

Template:Tapped Out Edna Icon

I’m leaning towards a company that specializes in Hawaiian shirts for dogs.
Agnes And I think Hawaiian shirts give dogs bad ideas. We’re in quite the stand off.
The player receives "The Investorettes Pt. 1" which is to "Make Luann Go to an Investorettes Meeting", "Make Mrs. Krabappel Go to an Investorettes Meeting", and "Make Agnes Go to an Investorettes Meeting". It takes 12 hours and the player receives total Cash1,540 and XP360 in reward.

The Investorettes Pt. 2

After tapping on Krabappel's exclamation mark

Template:Tapped Out Edna Icon

You’re right, Luann. One of the safest investments is a restaurant. But why stop there – how about a fast food franchise?
Luann The timing is perfect – we haven’t built a health department yet!
The player receives "The Investorettes Pt. 2" which is to "Place a Fleet-A-Pita". The player receives total Cash100 and XP10 in reward.
Agnes I’m in charge of coming up with the slogan. How about “Eat Up, You Fat Slobs!”

The Investorettes Pt. 3

After tapping on Krabappel's exclamation mark

Template:Tapped Out Edna Icon

Now the real work begins, it’s time to roll up our sleeves and get cookin’!
Agnes My sleeves will stay down, thank you. This isn’t Woodstock.
Luann Why stress ourselves out with chopping and frying?
Luann We’re business owners not business workers, let’s hire the local riffraff and pay them next to nothing.
Luann Then we’ll sit back and watch the money roll in like it exploded out of a giant floating thumbs up.
The player receives "The Investorettes Pt. 3" which is to "Make Local Chumps Work a Fleet-A-Pita Shift" and "Make Springfieldeans Eat at Pita at Fleet-A-Pita".

The Investorettes Pt. 4

After tapping on Krabappel's exclamation mark

Template:Tapped Out Edna Icon

We’re a hit! All those years spent embezzling field trip money have finally paid off.

Template:Tapped Out Edna Icon

And I think those kids still learned a lot on those retreats to the school’s parking lot.
Luann It’s time to act like my husband’s waistline and expand, expand, expand!
The player receives "The Investorettes Pt. 4" which is to "Have a Chain of Fleet-A-Pitas" and "Make Springfieldeans Eat at Fleet-A-Pita".
Luann Thanks to cutting employee pay and replacing our meat with M.E.A.T: Meat Brand Substitute, we’re raking in the dough.
Luann I think it’s finally time to splurge a little bit. I’m going to invest in some quality all-natural blue eyebrows.
Agnes I think Seymour is becoming too independent – like a dog in a Hawaiian shirt. I want to get him microchipped.

Template:Tapped Out Edna Icon

I was thinking of buying something nice for that lonely kid-

Template:Tapped Out Edna Icon

-ney shaped pool in my backyard. Solid gold pool noodles!
Agnes Ladies, we’ve done it again. Investorettes: 1 Springfield: 0. Suck it, Sucktown!

Template:Tapped Out Edna Icon

You’re not allowed to come up with anymore slogans.

Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 1

After tapping on Kirk's exclamation mark
Kirk Hey Luann! All my years of hard work finally paid off, by not paying off at all. I’m getting free checks from the government!
Kirk I’m even thinking about buying back my molars from that pawnshop. Do YOU get paid to do nothing?
Luann Basically, yes. Running a cracker factory is like being on unemployment, only with more money and fewer forms.
Kirk Oh man, I’ve got to fill out one form every two weeks. Why can’t I win?
Luann Because you’re a loser. You’re the only man I know with a World’s Second Best Dad mug.
Kirk Please give me back my job at the Cracker Factory. I’m not above begging. In fact, I’m well below it.
Luann So you want to come crawling back to crackers?
Luann Fine, I’ll hire you Kirk. But you’ll have to start at the beginning – as a cracker intern.
The player receives "Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 1" which is to "Make Luann Run the Cracker Factory" and "Make Kirk Work at the Cracker Factory". It takes total 8 hours and the player receives total Cash795 and XP185 in reward.
Kirk Long day at the factory. Turns out I only get two 15-minute breaks and both I’m required to spend working.
Kirk And I’m pretty sure half of the employees are pairs of children wearing giant trench coats.
Luann You better not report those kids – I mean stacked adults – to the government or else I’ll have you fired.
Kirk I didn’t think it was possible, but you’ve ruined the magic of crackers. You don’t have to fire me — I quit.

Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 2

After tapping on Luann's exclamation mark
Luann Kirk, if you want to stay a part of this family, you are going to have to get a real job.
Luann And I know what you’re thinking, and that doesn’t include organ donor.
Kirk I’ve been dedicating my time to the most important job there is – being a father.
Luann Where’s Milhouse right now?
Kirk Trick question! That’s not our son’s name. Oh wait, it is. Fine, I’ll get a job. Do you mind taking a look at my resume?
Luann Hmm... cleaning vomit, scaring away birds, groveling… actually I might have the perfect job for you.
Luann You can manage one of my Fleet-A-Pitas! Well, assistant manage. Actually just work there.
Kirk I’m in management!
The player receives "Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 2" which is to "Make Kirk Clean Up Fleet-A-Pitas". It takes total 16 hours and the player receives total Cash600 and XP120 in reward.
Kirk I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pedal pita when in my heart I know it’s just a soft, salt-less, un-American substitute cracker.
Kirk But how can I tell Luann that I want to quit?
Kirk Maybe I can fake my own death, convince Luann I’m a ghost and live in the crawl space.
Kirk Nah, she wouldn’t fall for that a second time.

Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 3

After tapping on Kirk's exclamation mark
Kirk Hey Homer, you seem to have it all together. Can I ask you for some advice?
Homer Never train a monkey to do your job for you because then you’ll get a monkey boss. There you go! The first one’s free.
Kirk Thanks Homer. But I was looking for some advice about my marriage.
Homer Never bring the monkey home. You’re welcome!
Kirk Luann doesn’t want me or need me.
Kirk She’s better at everything than I am – running the factory, raising our son, even peeing standing up.
Homer Don’t forget running the Cracker Factory.
Kirk I already said that one.
Homer She’s just really good at it. Like so much better than you.
Kirk What am I going to do, Homer?
Homer Don’t ask me. Marge handles all the relationship problems herself.
Homer Why don’t you try a book? I’ve heard good things about them from Lisa.
The player receives "Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 3" which is to "Make Kirk Borrow a Self Help Book". It takes total 60 minutes and the player receives total Cash170 and XP27 in reward.
Kirk Those self-help books really showed me the error of my ways.
Kirk It turns out the secret to a healthy relationship is appreciating your partner and buying more self-help books.
Homer Oh yeah, showing appreciation is important.
Homer For instance, Marge fixes me breakfast every morning. And I… uh… drink beer.
Kirk I should do something special for Luann! Are coupons for free hugs still a thing?
Homer This isn’t your anniversary, Kirk. This calls for some serious romancing.
Homer You should take her out to dinner… and don’t order anything that requires a bib.
Kirk That sounds expensive. How’s an unemployed loser like me going to afford that?
Homer Think of it as an investment. Invest money in Luann now, and once she lets you back in the house–
Kirk I can steal money from her purse!

Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 4

After tapping on Kirk's exclamation mark
Kirk Luann, we have to talk.
Luann What is it this time?
Kirk I know I’ve been a huge disappointment to you and that I don’t deserve another chance but if you let me, I’d like to make it up to you.
Kirk Let me take you to the most expensive dinner in town.
Kirk It’s where they make normal food look weird and taste almost exactly the same. El Chemistri!
Luann Is there a catch? How can you afford this?
Kirk The owner of the restaurant owes me a favor. I let him hit me with his car for fun.
The player receives "Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 4" which is to "Make Luann Dine at El Chemistri" and "Make Kirk Dine at El Chemistri". It takes total 4 hours and the player receives total Cash535 and XP125 in reward.
Luann Kirk, I-I am speechless, I really didn’t expect something this thoughtful from you.
Luann I actually don’t expect anything at all from you. Seriously ever.
Kirk I’m always here to support you in this marriage, Luann.
Kirk Emotionally, not financially. Just want to make that crystal clear.
Luann Oh, Kirk. I guess you’ll do.
Kirk You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear those words.

Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 5

After tapping on Luann's exclamation mark
Luann I’ve thought it over and I think I haven’t been fair to you.
Luann As long as you’re willing to do absolutely everything I say without question, then I’m willing to offer you your old management job back at the Cracker Factory.
Kirk The job I was born for! Being an empty suit!
Luann How about we carpool in the MegaGlobe today sweetheart? At least until I head to executive parking.
The player receives "Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 5" which is to "Make Luann Run the Cracker Factory" and "Make Kirk Run the Cracker Factory". It takes total 12 hours and the player receives total Cash940 and XP210 in reward.
Milhouse I’m so glad my parents are no longer fighting!
Milhouse At least for this week...