Million-Dollar Abie/Quotes
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- Grandpa: I thought he was trying to steal my jewels and all them pictures of Bert and Lucy!
- Dr. Egoyan: As you surrender your body, what musical and visual orientations would you like to experience?
Abe: I want to hear the Glenn Miller Orchestra and see cops beating up hippies!
- NFL Commissioner: (looking at street signs) The names on this map say Main Street and Evergreen Terrace, but all I can see are Two Point Conversion Avenue and Off-Season Knee Surgery Boulevard.
- Homer: You're a useless old man. Name one thing you do for this family!
Grandpa: I watch the baby.
Marge: Where is the baby?
Grandpa: You left me with a baby?!
- Maggie (in baby talk with subtitles): Bald mommy is sure to fail!
- Grampa: If I knock him out, I'll be a hero. And people will listen to my loose-brained nonsense.
- Lyrics to "Springfield Blows":
L.A. makes great movies
And awesome TV shows
Springfield don't make nothin'
'Cause Springfield blows
Springfield blows (3 times)
Yes, Springfield blows
- Lisa: No wait, wait! Bullfighting is a cruel, pseudo-sport!
Homer: Lisa's right! It is a cool, super sport!
- Homer: I've come up with our team — the Springfield Meltdowns! And here is our stadium, sponsored by corporate naming. It's the Duff Beer Krustyburger Buzz Cola Costington's Department Store Kwik-E-Mart Stupid Flanders Park! So, Homer do good?
Marge: Homer do great! (they kiss) Uh, maybe Homer brush teeth first.
- Young Abe: (at an HUAC meeting) I would like to name the following friends of mine as members of the Communist party.
Speaker: You're just here to test the microphone.
Young Abe: Fred Wilson, my brother Bill, Dom DiMaggio, the paper boy, Howdy Doody, Josef Stalin... (gets removed by security guards)
- Sideshow Mel: "Touchdown Avenue"? Delightful!
Jimbo: Who ya talkin' to? Your imaginary girlfriend?
Sideshow Mel: Oh! Isn't your mother a well-known whore?
Jimbo: (gasp) You win this round, Mel.
- Dr. Egoyan (waiting for Grandpa to die): One more minute.
(Chief Wiggum, Eddie, and Lou burst in)
Wiggum: Freeze! The voters just overturned the assisted suicide law!
Dr. Egoyan (getting handcuffed): I'll kill you all!...when the law is reversed.
Wiggum: I'd like to see you try!...when the law is reversed.
- Souvenir Jacket Guy: We should make the stadium a bull fighting ring. If the bull dies, the crowd goes wild. If Grandpa dies, the crowd goes wild. Either way, we make a fortune.
- Lenny (after Grandpa opens the outer gate): I don't know what he's doing and I'm smart. Not book smart or street smart or brain smart, but something.
