Homer's Paternity Coot/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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366
"Homer's Paternity Coot"
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- Commercial: How often have you driven by a fire and thought 'How can this benefit me?'
- Homer: To hell with that paternity test and its 99.99997% accuracy!
- Sideshow Mel: [after his tires are ripped] My tires have been severely damaged! The prophecy has been fulfilled! [pointing to sign that reads "Do Not Back Up - Severe Tire Damage"]
- Sign: Springfield Tire Fire. Now smelled in 46 states.
- Quimby: People aren't taking the tollbooth! We need those seventy-five centses to de-python the town fountain! Get them through that tollbooth by any means necessary!
- Wiggum: Gotcha. No survivors. [gets out a shotgun and cocks it]
- Quimby: No Shooting.
- Wiggum: But it's already cocked.
- Quimby: Okay. Shoot into the fireplace.
- [Wiggum does so and laughs.]
- Marge: Let's go there before the next commercial tells me to do something else.
- Homer: Who could my father be? Moleman? Mr. Burns? [gasps] M. Night Shyamalan? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films! audio clip
- Ralph: [with a tuba on his head] I'm C3-D2!
- Homer: [looking around Mason's study, which is decorated with various adventurer's items] So, I infer from all the knickknacks you're some sort of..fruitcake?
- Homer: I'm sure my listeners will be pleased about that.
- Mason: Listeners? Didn't you say you work for a newspaper?
- Homer: Uh, no I didn't. I says I work for a radio station. WXI 940. Number one with our viewers.
- Mason: Viewers? Wouldn't that be a TV show?
- Homer: Uh, well, um, oh what the hey. I think you're my pappy!
- Mason: Ga-whaaa?!
- Marge: Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is age-appropriate reading. Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries?
- Reverend Lovejoy: [heading for the toll booth] Don't worry, this one's on Jesus.
- [He takes out the church collection plate which is full of coins. The Jesus figurine on his dashboard looks as if it's about to cry.]
- Lovejoy: Oh, be cool for once.
- [Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are at the retirement home visiting Grandpa.]
- Marge: See, Grandpa, you still have a family. We still visit you even though we have no biological obligation.
- Grandpa: So, Homer couldn't make it?
- Lisa: No, but he told us to say hi. Hi!
- [Long pause.]
- Lisa: So...what setting is that fan on?
- [Pause.]
- Grandpa: Medium.
- [Pause.]
- Lisa: I would've guessed low.
- [Pause.]
- Grandpa: You would've guessed wrong.
