Difference between revisions of "Homer's Paternity Coot/Quotes"
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{{TabQ}} | {{TabQ}} | ||
{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Simpsons Christmas Stories|We're on the Road to D'ohwhere}} | {{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Simpsons Christmas Stories|We're on the Road to D'ohwhere}} | ||
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{{qf|Commercial}} How often have you driven by a fire and thought 'How can this benefit me?' | {{qf|Commercial}} How often have you driven by a fire and thought 'How can this benefit me?' | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | {{qf|Homer}} To hell with that paternity test and its 99.99997% accuracy! | + | {{qf|[[Homer]]}} To hell with that paternity test and its 99.99997% accuracy! |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | {{qf|Sideshow Mel}} ''[after his tires are ripped]'' My tires have been severely damaged! The prophecy has been fulfilled! ''[pointing to sign that reads "Do Not Back Up - Severe Tire Damage"]'' | + | {{qf|[[Sideshow Mel]]}} ''[after his tires are ripped]'' My tires have been severely damaged! The prophecy has been fulfilled! ''[pointing to sign that reads "Do Not Back Up - Severe Tire Damage"]'' |
---- | ---- | ||
{{qf|Sign}} [[Springfield]] Tire Fire. Now smelled in 46 states. | {{qf|Sign}} [[Springfield]] Tire Fire. Now smelled in 46 states. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | {{qf|Quimby}} People aren't taking the tollbooth! We need those seventy-five centses to de-python the town fountain! Get them through that tollbooth by any means necessary! | + | {{qf|[[Quimby]]}} People aren't taking the tollbooth! We need those seventy-five centses to de-python the town fountain! Get them through that tollbooth by any means necessary! |
| − | {{qf|Wiggum}} Gotcha. No survivors. ''[gets out a shotgun and cocks it]'' | + | {{qf|[[Wiggum]]}} Gotcha. No survivors. ''[gets out a shotgun and cocks it]'' |
{{qf|Quimby}} No Shooting. | {{qf|Quimby}} No Shooting. | ||
{{qf|Wiggum}} But it's already cocked. | {{qf|Wiggum}} But it's already cocked. | ||
{{qf|Quimby}} Okay. Shoot into the fireplace. | {{qf|Quimby}} Okay. Shoot into the fireplace. | ||
| − | :''[Wiggum does so and laughs]'' | + | :''[Wiggum does so and laughs.]'' |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | {{qf|Marge}} Let's go there before the next commercial tells me to do something else. | + | {{qf|[[Marge]]}} Let's go there before the next commercial tells me to do something else. |
---- | ---- | ||
{{qf|Homer}} Who could my father be? [[Hans Moleman|Moleman]]? [[Mr. Burns]]? ''[gasps]'' {{w|M. Night Shyamalan}}? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films! ''[http://download.lardlad.com/sounds/season17/coot7.mp3 audio clip]'' | {{qf|Homer}} Who could my father be? [[Hans Moleman|Moleman]]? [[Mr. Burns]]? ''[gasps]'' {{w|M. Night Shyamalan}}? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films! ''[http://download.lardlad.com/sounds/season17/coot7.mp3 audio clip]'' | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | {{qf|Ralph}} ''[with a tuba on his head]'' I'm C3-D2! | + | {{qf|[[Ralph]]}} ''[with a tuba on his head]'' I'm C3-D2! |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | {{qf|Homer}} ''[ | + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[looking around Mason's study, which is decorated with various adventurer's items]'' So, I infer from all the knickknacks you're some sort of..fruitcake? |
---- | ---- | ||
{{qf|Homer}} I'm sure my listeners will be pleased about that. | {{qf|Homer}} I'm sure my listeners will be pleased about that. | ||
| − | {{qf|Mason}} Listeners? Didn't you say you work for a newspaper? | + | {{qf|[[Mason Fairbanks|Mason]]}} Listeners? Didn't you say you work for a newspaper? |
{{qf|Homer}} Uh, no I didn't. I says I work for a radio station. WXI 940. Number one with our viewers. | {{qf|Homer}} Uh, no I didn't. I says I work for a radio station. WXI 940. Number one with our viewers. | ||
{{qf|Mason}} Viewers? Wouldn't that be a TV show? | {{qf|Mason}} Viewers? Wouldn't that be a TV show? | ||
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{{qf|Marge}} Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is age-appropriate reading. Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries? | {{qf|Marge}} Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is age-appropriate reading. Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries? | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Reverend Lovejoy]]}} ''[heading for the toll booth]'' Don't worry, this one's on [[Jesus]]. | |
| − | + | :''[He takes out the church collection plate which is full of coins. The Jesus figurine on his dashboard looks as if it's about to cry.]'' | |
| − | :''[He takes out the church collection plate which is full of coins. The Jesus figurine on his dashboard looks as if it's about to cry]'' | ||
{{qf|Lovejoy}} Oh, be cool for once. | {{qf|Lovejoy}} Oh, be cool for once. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | :''[Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are at the retirement home visiting Grandpa]'' | + | :''[Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are at the retirement home visiting Grandpa.]'' |
{{qf|Marge}} See, Grandpa, you still have a family. We still visit you even though we have no biological obligation. | {{qf|Marge}} See, Grandpa, you still have a family. We still visit you even though we have no biological obligation. | ||
| − | {{qf|Grandpa}} So, Homer couldn't make it? | + | {{qf|[[Grandpa]]}} So, Homer couldn't make it? |
{{qf|Lisa}} No, but he told us to say hi. Hi! | {{qf|Lisa}} No, but he told us to say hi. Hi! | ||
| − | :''[ | + | :''[Long pause.]'' |
{{qf|Lisa}} So...what setting is that fan on? | {{qf|Lisa}} So...what setting is that fan on? | ||
| − | :''[ | + | :''[Pause.]'' |
{{qf|Grandpa}} Medium. | {{qf|Grandpa}} Medium. | ||
| − | :''[ | + | :''[Pause.]'' |
{{qf|Lisa}} I would've guessed low. | {{qf|Lisa}} I would've guessed low. | ||
| − | :''[ | + | :''[Pause.]'' |
{{qf|Grandpa}} You would've guessed wrong. | {{qf|Grandpa}} You would've guessed wrong. | ||
| − | |||
{{Season 17|Q}} | {{Season 17|Q}} | ||
Revision as of 04:32, November 17, 2019
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- Commercial: How often have you driven by a fire and thought 'How can this benefit me?'
- Homer: To hell with that paternity test and its 99.99997% accuracy!
- Sideshow Mel: [after his tires are ripped] My tires have been severely damaged! The prophecy has been fulfilled! [pointing to sign that reads "Do Not Back Up - Severe Tire Damage"]
- Sign: Springfield Tire Fire. Now smelled in 46 states.
- Quimby: People aren't taking the tollbooth! We need those seventy-five centses to de-python the town fountain! Get them through that tollbooth by any means necessary!
- Wiggum: Gotcha. No survivors. [gets out a shotgun and cocks it]
- Quimby: No Shooting.
- Wiggum: But it's already cocked.
- Quimby: Okay. Shoot into the fireplace.
- [Wiggum does so and laughs.]
- Marge: Let's go there before the next commercial tells me to do something else.
- Homer: Who could my father be? Moleman? Mr. Burns? [gasps] M. Night Shyamalan? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films! audio clip
- Ralph: [with a tuba on his head] I'm C3-D2!
- Homer: [looking around Mason's study, which is decorated with various adventurer's items] So, I infer from all the knickknacks you're some sort of..fruitcake?
- Homer: I'm sure my listeners will be pleased about that.
- Mason: Listeners? Didn't you say you work for a newspaper?
- Homer: Uh, no I didn't. I says I work for a radio station. WXI 940. Number one with our viewers.
- Mason: Viewers? Wouldn't that be a TV show?
- Homer: Uh, well, um, oh what the hey. I think you're my pappy!
- Mason: Ga-whaaa?!
- Marge: Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is age-appropriate reading. Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries?
- Reverend Lovejoy: [heading for the toll booth] Don't worry, this one's on Jesus.
- [He takes out the church collection plate which is full of coins. The Jesus figurine on his dashboard looks as if it's about to cry.]
- Lovejoy: Oh, be cool for once.
- [Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are at the retirement home visiting Grandpa.]
- Marge: See, Grandpa, you still have a family. We still visit you even though we have no biological obligation.
- Grandpa: So, Homer couldn't make it?
- Lisa: No, but he told us to say hi. Hi!
- [Long pause.]
- Lisa: So...what setting is that fan on?
- [Pause.]
- Grandpa: Medium.
- [Pause.]
- Lisa: I would've guessed low.
- [Pause.]
- Grandpa: You would've guessed wrong.
