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Difference between revisions of "Goo Goo Gai Pan/Quotes"

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{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister|Mobile Homer}}
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== Quotes ==
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{{qf|[[Mr. Burns]]}} Do you know this baby once out-raced the Flying Finn, [[Paavo Nurmi]]?
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*'''Madam Wu:''' These are the world-famous Shaolin temple monks. They practice spiritual harmony through barefisted murder.
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{{qf|[[Selma]]}} ''[grunts]'' Turn the heater off—it's boiling in here!
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*'''Homer:''' I hope you washed your hands first! (after a monk pulls out Homers heart then puts it back in)
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{{qf|Mr. Burns}} What are you talking about? This car is cooler than Guy Lombardo.
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*'''Wagner:''' Let's give menopause a round of "men-applause". "Men-applause"? I'm not saying that! [The End]
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----
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*'''Chinese sign:''' "Tian an men Square. On this site in 1989, nothing happened."
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{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Good heavens, she's some sort of female madman!
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*'''Fake Bart:''' Feast on my shorts, stupid father man!
+
----
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*'''Fake Bart:''' Don't have a cattle, dude!
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{{qf|[[Bart]]}} Car!
−
*'''Chinese Adoption Agent:''' The Chinese Government only allows wholesome married couples to adopt. No hen without cock. I apologize if that is a double entendre in your language. It is not in ours.<br />''Note that the word for "hen" in Chinese can also mean "prostitute".''
+
{{qf|[[Milhouse]]}} Car what? Car is the subject, but I don't know the verb!
−
*'''Selma:''' [''To Ling while leaving for Springfield''] We'll come back one day, when you're a spoiled American teenager.
+
----
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*'''Homer''' [''looking in awe at the monument to General Chao, of chicken fame'']: Wow. It makes the Lincoln memorial look like crap.
+
{{qf|[[Waylon Smithers]]}} Sir, thank God the airbags activated!
−
*'''Chinese Dragons''' [''dancing with each other in the sky while singing in a high Chinese style'']: American jerks are going home... now we sleep for a thousand years... when we wake the world will end...
+
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Those are my lungs!
−
*'''Madame Wu:''' Lisa, soon you will have a Chinese sister who will surpass you academically.<br />'''Lisa: '''I don't know. I'm considered pretty smart.<br />'''Madame Wu:''' Well, Tibet was considered pretty independent. How'd that work out?<br />'''Lisa:''' How dare you make light of that brutal... ''(Marge shuts her up)''
+
----
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*'''Bart:''' What's menopause?<br />'''Homer:''' Well son, it's when the stork that brings babies gets shot by some drunken hunters.
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{{qf|[[Homer]]}} Son, menopause is when the stork that brings babies gets shot by drunken hunters.
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*'''Wu:''' Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu!
+
----
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*'''Homer:''' Wow, the Fortune cookies really are more accurate here. ''(Looks at fortune that says "We will take Selma's baby")''
+
{{qf|[[Marge]]}} Selma, I never realized you wanted a child so badly.
−
*'''Burns:''' You know this baby once outraced the Flying Finn... Paavo Nurmi?
+
{{qf|Selma}} I didn't want to get pregnant and lose my looks--
−
*'''Chinese Adoption Agent:''' Okay. You are Mrs. Homer Simpson. He is your soulmate and lover.<br />'''Selma:''' Yes, Homer Simpson is my entire world. ''(pause)'' I love him.<br />''(cut to the plant, where Homer is having lunch with Lenny and Carl)''<br />'''Homer:''' (shivers) I just felt a chill go through my very soul.<br />'''Lenny:''' Yup, the Sloppy Joes here will do that.
+
:''[Homer tries to stifle a laugh.]''
−
*'''Homer:''' Oh, you're curing me with acupuncture.<br />'''Doctor:''' Oh, no. A porcupine got in while you were asleep. ''(to porcupine)'' Shoo! Shoo! Come back in year of porcupine, which means never!
+
{{qf|Selma}} But now I'm afraid I'll grow old alone.
−
*'''Master of Ceremony:''' I regret to inform you that our final stunt will not be performed, our star acrobat had an onset of outspoken-ness and suffered a bullet-related death.<br />'''Audience Member 1:''' This is most disillusioning!<br />'''Audience Member 2:''' It seems our leaders are not all knowing!<br />'''Audience Member 3:''' Now I will question everything! Why doesn't Pearl Jam ever come here?<br />'''Wu:''' Homer, only you can prevent this riot and save our beloved communist dictatorship.<br />'''Homer (shocked):''' You guys are commies? Then why am I seeing rudimentary free markets?<br />'''Wu:''' Just shut up and do the act!
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{{qf|[[Lisa]]}} What about your pet iguana, [[Jub-Jub]]?
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*''(when the Simpsons and Selma are on the plane and Homer looks out the window)''<br />'''Chinese Dragon:''' Hello Homer, give me your peanuts and you can fly on my back.<br />'''Homer:''' I'll give you...one!<br />'''Chinese Dragon:''' Ooh, you are a very greedy man. The other dragons shall hear of this.''(flies away)''<br />'''Homer:''' Hey, dragon! You fly like a girl!
+
{{qf|Selma}} Jub-Jub can't take care of me when I'm old and sick. All he can do is eat me when I'm dead.
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*'''Wu:''' ''(to Selma)'' You may keep your baby. ''(points to Homer)'' But, you! Put the panda down!<br />'''Homer:''' ''(forcing the baby panda into his bag)'' Aww, but he loves me! ''(panda bites Homer's hand)'' Ow! Why you little-''(strangles panda, then a larger panda, presumably the panda's mother, strangles Homer)''
+
----
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*'''Homer:''' And this is Marge, our surprisingly hot nanny...<br />'''Marge:''' ''(giggles)'' Why thank you, Mr. Simpson.<br />'''Homer:''' You're welcome Miss... ''(looks at Madame Wu)'' October. But don't look at her passport. It's different!
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{{qf|Selma}} Everyone has a child but me.
−
*'''Homer:''' ''(speaking to Mao Zedong's body as though it was a cute baby)'' Awww... he looks just like a little baby that killed 60 million people. Who's a little dictator? Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
+
{{qf|[[Patty]]}} Cheer up, sis—there's a dented-can sale down at Schwegman's.
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*'''Selma:''' May I speak to you, bureaucrat to bureaucrat?<br />'''Madame Wu:''' Yes, but first you must sign this form. Initial here. And here. And now we must find a notary.<br />'''Chinese Soldier:''' Hehehe. This is Wang Po's time to shine.
+
{{qf|Selma}} This is one problem damaged food can't solve.
−
*'''Lisa (after spray painting Homer):''' You look just like a Buddha statue. Now, all you need is an expression of utter serenity.<br />''(Homer makes a face similar to when he is about to strangle Bart)''<br />'''Marge:''' Just think about the time you found that junior mint in your belly button.<br />''(Homer makes a more appropriate expression. Lisa rings the Adoption Agency's doorbell and they run off. Two Chinese Soldiers exit and look at Homer)''<br />'''Soldier 1:''' A Buddha statue?! We cannot leave it outside! It is bad feng shui!<br />'''Soldier 2:''' Feng shui? I thought that was just an excuse to sell crappy end tables to the West.<br />'''Soldier 1:''' Just stick this hook in his nostril and pull.<br />''(Homer has a very nervous look as they insert the hook. As they drag him, he begins to scream and when the soldiers look at him, he is normal. He is able to calmly hold his pain as they continue to drag him)''<br />'''Soldier 1:''' I've never moved a Buddha this heavy!<br />'''Soldier 2:''' Let's cut him in chunks and worship the chunks.
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{{qf|Patty}} Wow, you really are down. Hey, you ever think of adoption?
 +
{{qf|Selma}} The adoption process! That'll end the heartbreak.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} Don't give up, Aunt Selma. [[China]] has thousands of baby girls who need adoption.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Great, another job lost to a foreigner.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|[[Mr. Zhao]]}} The Chinese government only allows wholesome, married couples to adopt. No "hen without cock." I apologize if that is a double-entendre in your language. It is not in ours.
 +
{{qf|Selma}} Don't worry. I'll just write my husband's name on this form. Have you ever heard of [[Angus MacGyver|MacGyver]]?
 +
{{qf|Mr. Zhao}} Oh yes. Big star. Big star. We know he's not married to you.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Hey look, a dragon.
 +
{{qf|[[White Dragon]]}} Hello, Homer. Give me your peanuts and you can fly on my back.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} I'll give you one.
 +
{{qf|White Dragon}} Oh, you are a very greedy man. The other dragons shall hear of this.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Hey dragon! You fly like a girl!
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Oh, look at him sleeping. He's like a little angel that killed fifty million people. Yes you are... yes you are!
 +
----
 +
{{qf|[[Madam Wu]]}} So, Mr. Simpson, what do you do for a living?
 +
{{qf|Homer}} I'm a nuclear--
 +
{{qf|Homer's thoughts}} Wait a minute. These guys don't know me. I can be whatever I want.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} I'm a Chinese acrobat!
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Madam Wu}} You shall be back in the land you love soon. Tomorrow we will give you your baby.
 +
{{qf|Selma}} Oh my God, really? My life begins at last.
 +
{{qf|Madam Wu}} That is quite an insult to your other children.
 +
{{qf|Bart}} We understand, ma'am. We're pretty lousy kids.
 +
{{qf|Madam Wu}} Lisa, soon you will have a Chinese baby sister who will surpass you academically.
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} I don't know about that—I'm considered pretty smart.
 +
{{qf|Madam Wu}} Well, [[Tibet]] was considered "pretty independent." How'd that work out?
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Madam Wu}} Homer, we need your acrobatic skills. Only you can prevent this riot, and save our beloved Communist dictatorship.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} You guys are commies? Then why am I seeing rudimentary free markets?
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Madam Wu}} Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu!
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Selma}} Ling, you're gonna be very happy in America, unlike everyone else there.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} Listen, I've got a plan to get Ling back. But we must be discreet. You never know where there might be a spy.
 +
{{qf|[[Chinese spy]]}} Yes, tell me your plan in detail, American sister. Don't have a cattle, dude.
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} Uh, let's talk about this outside.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} You look just like a [[Buddha]] statue. Now, all you need is an expression of utter serenity.
 +
{{qf|Marge}} Just think about the day you found that Junior Mint in your bellybutton.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Selma}} Madam Wu, I too work for a cruel and faceless empire—the [[Department of Motor Vehicles]].
 +
----
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Something's wrong with Bart. He's acting weird.
 +
{{qf|Chinese spy}} Feast on my shorts, stupid father man.
 +
{{qf|Homer}} Wait, you're not Bart! Eh, close enough.
 +
----
 +
{{qf|[[Red Dragon]]}} ''[singing]'' American jerks are going home. Now we sleep for a thousand years. When we wake the world will end.
 +
 
 +
{{Season 16|Q}}

Latest revision as of 09:31, May 9, 2021


Season 16 Episode Quotes
← 346 "On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister"
347
"Goo Goo Gai Pan"
"Mobile Homer" 348 →


Mr. Burns: Do you know this baby once out-raced the Flying Finn, Paavo Nurmi?
Selma: [grunts] Turn the heater off—it's boiling in here!
Mr. Burns: What are you talking about? This car is cooler than Guy Lombardo.
Mr. Burns: Good heavens, she's some sort of female madman!
Bart: Car!
Milhouse: Car what? Car is the subject, but I don't know the verb!
Waylon Smithers: Sir, thank God the airbags activated!
Mr. Burns: Those are my lungs!
Homer: Son, menopause is when the stork that brings babies gets shot by drunken hunters.
Marge: Selma, I never realized you wanted a child so badly.
Selma: I didn't want to get pregnant and lose my looks--
[Homer tries to stifle a laugh.]
Selma: But now I'm afraid I'll grow old alone.
Lisa: What about your pet iguana, Jub-Jub?
Selma: Jub-Jub can't take care of me when I'm old and sick. All he can do is eat me when I'm dead.
Selma: Everyone has a child but me.
Patty: Cheer up, sis—there's a dented-can sale down at Schwegman's.
Selma: This is one problem damaged food can't solve.
Patty: Wow, you really are down. Hey, you ever think of adoption?
Selma: The adoption process! That'll end the heartbreak.
Lisa: Don't give up, Aunt Selma. China has thousands of baby girls who need adoption.
Homer: Great, another job lost to a foreigner.
Mr. Zhao: The Chinese government only allows wholesome, married couples to adopt. No "hen without cock." I apologize if that is a double-entendre in your language. It is not in ours.
Selma: Don't worry. I'll just write my husband's name on this form. Have you ever heard of MacGyver?
Mr. Zhao: Oh yes. Big star. Big star. We know he's not married to you.
Homer: Hey look, a dragon.
White Dragon: Hello, Homer. Give me your peanuts and you can fly on my back.
Homer: I'll give you one.
White Dragon: Oh, you are a very greedy man. The other dragons shall hear of this.
Homer: Hey dragon! You fly like a girl!
Homer: Oh, look at him sleeping. He's like a little angel that killed fifty million people. Yes you are... yes you are!
Madam Wu: So, Mr. Simpson, what do you do for a living?
Homer: I'm a nuclear--
Homer's thoughts: Wait a minute. These guys don't know me. I can be whatever I want.
Homer: I'm a Chinese acrobat!
Madam Wu: You shall be back in the land you love soon. Tomorrow we will give you your baby.
Selma: Oh my God, really? My life begins at last.
Madam Wu: That is quite an insult to your other children.
Bart: We understand, ma'am. We're pretty lousy kids.
Madam Wu: Lisa, soon you will have a Chinese baby sister who will surpass you academically.
Lisa: I don't know about that—I'm considered pretty smart.
Madam Wu: Well, Tibet was considered "pretty independent." How'd that work out?
Madam Wu: Homer, we need your acrobatic skills. Only you can prevent this riot, and save our beloved Communist dictatorship.
Homer: You guys are commies? Then why am I seeing rudimentary free markets?
Madam Wu: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu!
Selma: Ling, you're gonna be very happy in America, unlike everyone else there.
Lisa: Listen, I've got a plan to get Ling back. But we must be discreet. You never know where there might be a spy.
Chinese spy: Yes, tell me your plan in detail, American sister. Don't have a cattle, dude.
Lisa: Uh, let's talk about this outside.
Lisa: You look just like a Buddha statue. Now, all you need is an expression of utter serenity.
Marge: Just think about the day you found that Junior Mint in your bellybutton.
Selma: Madam Wu, I too work for a cruel and faceless empire—the Department of Motor Vehicles.
Homer: Something's wrong with Bart. He's acting weird.
Chinese spy: Feast on my shorts, stupid father man.
Homer: Wait, you're not Bart! Eh, close enough.
Red Dragon: [singing] American jerks are going home. Now we sleep for a thousand years. When we wake the world will end.
Season 16 Quotes
Treehouse of Horror XV • All's Fair in Oven War • Sleeping with the Enemy • She Used to Be My Girl • Fat Man and Little Boy • Midnight Rx • Mommie Beerest • Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass • Pranksta Rap • There's Something About Marrying • On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister • Goo Goo Gai Pan • Mobile Homer • The Seven-Beer Snitch • Future-Drama • Don't Fear the Roofer • The Heartbroke Kid • A Star Is Torn • Thank God It's Doomsday • Home Away from Homer • The Father, the Son and the Holy Guest Star
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