The Parent Rap/Quotes
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- Homer: Hey, knock it off! These pants cost $600.
- Moe: Really?
- Homer: Yeah, they're Italian.
- Moe: [points a gun at Homer] All right, hand 'em over.
- Homer: Moe, what the--
- Moe: Yeah, I rob now.
- Homer: Say, is that our house?
- Bart: I don't think our house has a steeple.
- Homer: Oh yeah. I forget things sometimes.
- Judge Harm: Grand theft auto?!
- Bart: It was an accident, ma'am!
- Judge Harm: Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting!
- Homer: [angrily] What did she say about cupcakes?
- Bart: You there! Put your hands up!
- Ned: Me? Okay.
- Bart: Now, drop your pants!
- Ned: But my hands are up.
- Bart: Hula out of them!
- Ned: Alright, officer.
- Judge Harm: Well, I thought Dad was the problem, but apparently Mom is no prize pig herself. It's a miracle poor Bartholomew isn't robbing banks and chasing sweet Lady H.
- Bart: I'm a latchkey kid.
- Lisa: You are not!
- Bart: Come on, Dad. I got to go to the bathroom.
- Homer: Oh, I just got comfortable! Use the bottle.
- Marge: No! I don't want you going in a bottle. That's what hobos do!
- Bart: Come on, Homer!
- Homer: No!
- Bart: Mom!
- Marge: Aw geez, Homer, just take him to the bathroom!
- Homer: Fine! I don't know why we even have a bottle! Somebody tell me!
- Bart: The town keeps getting bigger. Will there always be enough electricity?
- Homer: [laughs] Ah, son, you know that's none of your business.
- Officer: Sir, you are not a size 4.
- Homer: I used to be! [starts crying]
- Judge Harm: You have got a boy here who is crying out for adult supervision!
- Homer: I couldn't agree more. Perhaps some sort of court-appointed babysitter or au pair?
- Judge Harm: Sorry, bub, that crow won't caw.
- Homer: It won't?
- Homer: I love our court days.
- Marge: It's about the only thing we do as a family anymore.
- Milhouse: If we're late for school, we'll miss our free federal breakfast.
- Bart: Big deal! It's just saltines and fig paste.
- Milhouse: Ewww! Saltines!
- Judge Harm: [to Bart] According to this, your father was driving you to school. Then where was he when you stole the police car?
- Homer: Uh, your honor? I was chasing the KBBL Party Penguin Price Patrol.
- Judge Harm: You abandoned your son to win forty dollars!?
- Homer: And a Blue Oyster Cult medallion [takes out the medallion] Cool.
- Judge Harm: And that was more important than keeping your son out of trouble?
- Homer: Your honor, if I may sing a little bit of, Don't Fear The Reaper, I think you'll agree that--
- Judge Harm: I'm familiar with B.O.C.!
- [Homer, tethered to Bart, enters Moe's.]
- Moe: Hey, hey, no kids in the bar.
- Homer: Since when?
- Moe: Oh, the heat's been on since them Bush girls were in here.
- [Lisa comments on Homer being tethered to Bart.]
- Lisa: Creative sentencing is common these days. That's why Bill Clinton is our mailman.
- Judge Harm: Not only that, you are horrible parents, you're also violent criminals. I'm going to have you two locked up 'til frogs do fractions.
- Bart: Your Honor, may I say something?
- Judge Harm: Well, it is highly unorthodox... so no!
- Bart: Please, your Honor?
- Judge Harm: Oh, I can't resist that look. You remind me of me when I was a little boy.
- Bart: Your Honor, it's not easy being my parents. I'm always screwing up in school and getting in trouble with the law. But if I grow up to be a halfway decent person, I know it will be because of my Mom and Dad. Everyone else might give up on me, but my parents never will.
- Lisa: [proudly] That's my brother.
- Snake: Um, did she just say she used to be a dude?
- Kirk Van Houten: Judge, please don't send my boy to juvie. He's just weak, both morally and in the upper body.
- Judge Harm: I hereby order you to be tethered to your son.
- Homer: Tethered?
- Judge Harm: Tethered. Report to room 5.
- Homer: Room 5?
- [Marge has cut the tether and triggered the alarm and Judge Harm's image appears out of the tether.]
- Judge Harm: That's right it's me, Judge Harm, through the magic of fiber optics.
- Homer: Hey, hey, hey, h-how about that? Huh, huh?
- Judge Harm: Quiet, tubsy. You violated my order.
- Homer: But Constance, it only happened because--
- Judge Harm: Hey, hey, if I want a cock and bull story, I'll read Hemingway.
- [Watching Judge Harm on television.]
- Marge: Of course she's never had children, look at how high and firm her breasts are!
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