One Flu Over Springfield/Quotes

Quotes

[At the Kwik-E-Mart, an obviously ill man sneezes on a package of cold/flu medication as he approaches the counter.]

Flu Sufferer: Wow, I need something strong to dry up all this nose gravy! I hope this medication helps.

Apu: I am sorry, sir, but I cannot be accepting your disease-tinged currency!

Flu Sufferer: Well, how else am I supposed to pay for it?!

[Just then, Snake bursts into the store, wearing a ski mask and brandishing a pistol.]

Snake Jailbird: Like, totally freeze and give me your wallet pronto! [He makes the theft and exits.]

Flu Sufferer: Hey, he took my medicine, too!

Apu: Do not worry. I had pressed my panic button for the police to come and remove you from the store! Now they can take you and that no-goodnik away!

[Outside the store, Snake revels in his success.]

Snake: Ahh, the sweet smell of illegally gotten gains! [sniffs the Flu Sufferer's wallet]

[The sound of sirens is heard in the distance. The sound gets closer and a police car comes into view.]

Snake: Oh, cheese and crackers ... The fuzz! [He gets into his car and drives off.]

Chief Wiggum: [in pursuit, using a megaphone] ALLEGED PERPETRATOR, PULL OVER OR I WILL BE FORCED TO SHOOT!

Lou: [handling the wheel while Wiggum leans out the window with the megaphone] Um, Chief, how do we know for sure that's the guy we're supposed to be chasing?

Wiggum: Lou, you know I'm a shoot-first, lawsuit-later cop! Now, hold 'er steady!

[Meanwhile, in the car being chased ...]

Snake: Whoa, totally not feeling awesome anymore! Ahh ... ahh ... ahh... choo! [He sneezes, coating the steering wheel with phlegm.] Grody!

[Snake's car goes into a spin on the snow-packed street.]

Snake: Uh-oh...So not cool! [He crashes into a snowbank at the base of the Lard Lad statue, then gets out of the car and runs away on foot.]

[A moment later, Chief Wiggum and Lou arrive at Snake's crashed car.]

Wiggum: [using megaphone] CITIZEN, COME OUT WITH YOUR MITTENS UP!

[No response. They approach the car: Lou first, followed closely by Wiggum.]

Wiggum: [still using megaphone] LOOKS LIKE HE GOT AWAY, LOU!

[Lou jumps, due to the megaphone-in-the-ear treatment, but quickly recovers his composure.]

Lou: Got some tracks in the snow, Chief. We should follow them!

Wiggum: [noticing the phlegm on the steering wheel] Not so fast. The perp left behind some DNA to collect!

Lou: Uhh...Doesn't it just make more sense to go after him?

Wiggum: In this weather? Brrrr! Instead, let's take this unidentified body fluid to our lab, which will take weeks to analyze it, and may or may not I.D. who this scuzz-bucket truly is! [He scoops up some phlegm with his bare hand and puts it into a Petri dish.]

[Later in the day, Chief Wiggum arrives home looking unwell, with a red nose and sniffles.]

Sarah Wiggum: Clancy, you're home early! Are you feeling all right?

Wiggum: Ehh...not so much. Think I'm just gonna lie down for a bit, dear. [He puts his keys, a handful of bullets, and the Petri dish of phlegm into a bowl.]

Sarah Wiggum: You rest, Clancy, and I'll come get you when dinner's ready. [She walks him to the bedroom.]

[Ralph enters the room, looks into the bowl, and sees the Petri dish.]

Ralph Wiggum: Daddy's stink breath candy! He won't notice if I take one or ten. [opens the dish and runs his fingers through it] This isn't candy! It's some sort of paste! Ohh...I know what I can use this stuff for!

[That evening, Ralph is at the Simpson home, where he and Lisa are partners on a school project. Ralph holds the Petri dish while Lisa dips her fingers into the contents and uses them as paste for a diorama.]

Lisa: Are you sure this stuff is paste, Ralph? It feels...different.

Ralph: Only one way to know for sure... [dips his fingers into the dish and takes a taste, smearing his lips and tongue with it] It doesn't taste like paste, but maybe it's the kind policey men use to make their handcuffs stick?

Lisa: Twenty-eight other kids in class and I get paired with you as my partner? "Top of the world, Ma..." [points at the door] Go wash your face, Ralph!

[Ralph heads for the bathroom. On the way, he meets up with Santa's Little Helper.]

Ralph: Hey, boy, I bet you can help me get this stuff off!

[SLH enthusiastically licks Ralph's face and does just that. Then the doorbell rings and SLH runs toward the stairs and the front door.]

[At the front door, Homer and Marge are dressed for an evening out and Marge is holding Maggie. Moe has just come inside.]

Moe Szyslak: [holding out his arms for Maggie] There's my favorite girl! Give us a hug already... [Santa's Little Helper comes bounding down the stairs, leaps into Moe's arms, and licks him on the face.] All right, all right...I love you too, you silly mutt!

Marge: Thanks for baby-sitting Maggie for us, Moe. I think she's more excited about our date night than we are!

Moe: No worries, Midge. We're gonna have a great time watching that Real Midwives of Amish Country marathon on Bravo! [He sets SLH down on the floor, takes Maggie from Marge, and gives Maggie a kiss.]

Homer: C'mon, Marge, my belly is so empty, it's using curse words!

Marge: We'll be back before eleven. You have my cell number if you need it. Have fun! [gives Maggie a kiss] Good night, sweetie. Mommy will see you in the morning!

[The next morning, Bart is utterly shocked when he sees that the rest of the family is sick.]

Bart: Aye, carumba! What happened to you guys?!

Lisa: [sniffles] We all caught a flu bug overnight!

Bart: I better hightail out of here before you all get me sick, too!

Homer: Wait, Bart...We're of tissues. Can you go to the Kwik-E-Mart and get some more?

Lisa: And some chicken noodle soup?

Marge: A hug from my special little guy will make me feel better!

[They all stretch their arms out toward Bart. He rebuffs everyone and makes a dash for the front door.]

Bart: I never thought I'd say these words, but I can't wait to get to school!

[Bart gets to the front door and grabs his coat. He hears the school bus honking outside and notices that Santa's Little Helper is chewing on his mittens.]

Bart: Aw, c'mon, boy! That's the bus, I don't have time to go find another set of mittens!

[Bart tries and fails to get the mittens out of SLH's mouth. In the process, he coats his hands with drool.]

Bart: Gross, man! [The bus honks again and Bart runs out the door.] Fine, I'll just blow on my hands to keep them warm! Stupid dog!

[Later, at school, Bart exchanges high-fives with Milhouse.]

[In the cafeteria line, Milhouse handles several pieces of fruit while trying to make up his mind which one to take. Principal Skinner eats one of the apples that Milhouse touched.]

[After lunch, Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel kiss during a make-out session in the teachers' lounge.]

[Shortly after that, Mrs. Krabappel is back in her classroom, coughing as she hands out graded quizzes to the class.]

Mrs. Krabappel: Okay, students, I've graded your pop quizzes from yesterday...

Bart: [raising hand, looking unwell] Uhh...Miss Krabappel? I don't feel so good.

Mrs. Krabappel: After what you scored on the quiz, neither would I, Bart.

[The next morning, Dr. Hibbert arrives at Springfield General Hospital to begin his workday. A frantic nurse runs outside to meet him.]

Nurse: Dr. Hibbert, thank God you're here! We have an emergency!

Dr. Hibbert: [chuckles] What is it??

Nurse: Follow me!

[They go inside. Hibbert is aghast at the sight of his waiting room filled with sick people.]

Nurse: I think the entire city has come down with the flu!

[Among the patients is an obviously sick Kent Brockman, who is talking into a rolled-up newspaper as though it were a microphone.]

Kent Brockman: [coughs] Kent Brockman live with breaking news from the most popular place in town this morning...the doctor's office! In a related story, I have a fever of 107 and woke up in a pool of my own sweat!

Dr. Hibbert: My goodness, every one of my patients must have caught this bug!

Nurse: Almost. There's one person who cancelled his appointment this morning to leave town before he caught the flu, too!

[The scene shifts to Shelbyville International Airport, where Comic Book Guy is waiting in line to board a plane.]

Comic Book Guy: I drove all the way here to ensure I didn't have to breathe any more of that flu-infested Springfield air! [He shows his ticket to the gate agent.] The sooner I'm in the sky, the better!

Agent: Have a wonderful flight, sir.

[CBG boards the plane and looks for his seat.]

Comic Book Guy: 23A...23A?

Flu Sufferer: You found it, friend...right next to me.

[CBG takes his seat. They shake hands.]

Comic Book Guy: A pleasure to meet you. I'll try to refrain from reciting dialogue from the Doctor Who episodes I'll be watching during our flight!

Flu Sufferer: No worries. I'll be zonked out on my flu meds before we even take off. [They are interrupted by an announcement.]

Pilot: [on intercom] Ladies and gentleman, the plane doors are now closed, and we'll be in the air in just a few moments...

Comic Book Guy: [realizing what has just happened] Worst...ironic ending...ever.