Every Man's Dream/Quotes
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- Dr. Hibbert: Narcolepsy's merely sleeping sickness, and many narcoleptics do lead normal lives by avoiding stressful triggers like, uh, oh, let's say...
- Homer: Helping with the laundry?
- Dr. Hibbert: Exactly.
- Homer: Having to pay my doctor's bill?
- Dr. Hibbert: Don't play with me, man. I will mess you up.
- Marge: I smell beer. Did you go to Moe's?
- Homer: Every time I have beer on my breath, you assume I've been drinking.
- Marge: I know this marriage isn't perfect, or even great, but now I treasure the moments where it's just so-so. I'd kill for "okay."
- Janet Zilowitz: I've never said this—and I don't even know if I'm supposed to say this—but this marriage is rotting with the stench of death.
- Marge: Oh, that seems a little strong.
- Dr. Zilowitz: How about reeking like a trashcan in a dog park?
- Marge: Does my marriage have to be something you can smell?
- Bart: Why is Daddy going away? Is it my fault? Just kidding. I have been waiting for this. All my problems are my parents' fault!
- Mr. Burns: Smithers, come up through my rear and grab me.
- Waylon Smithers: Yes, sir.
- Carl Carlson: I don't get it, Homer. You and your wife may be calling it quits. How can you be happy?
- Homer: Oh, you guys missed a very sad montage, but then I remembered that after every fight we ever had, Marge takes me back.
- Lenny Leonard: I wouldn't be so cocky, Homer. Marge has changed her relationship status to "It's complicated."
- Homer: Complicated? What's complicated? We're not together, but we're not legally apart, and I have to fight for the right to see the children I spent my life avoiding. What's complicated about that?
- Homer: Wish my head was filled with guacamole.
- Candace: You've got amphetamines, anticataplectics and GHB, also known as Georgia Homeboy or Liquid Ecstasy. Do not take these with alcohol.
- Homer: What if I've already been drinking, and I don't plan to stop?
- Candace: Are you asking me out? I mean, you're not, but it seems like you'd be fun to hang with, and I'm pretty fascinating myself; I'm an author.
- Homer: I thought you worked in a drugstore?
- Candace: Tennessee Williams worked in a shoe factory.
- Homer: Boy, you're pretty fast with that fact.
- Homer: Well, I don't know what you see in me. I'm just a lonely guy with a bag full of drugs.
- Homer: Oh, God! Oh, God! I've just committed the one drunken mistake I've never made. Well, Bart. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. What am I gonna tell Marge?
- Homer: Don't move! There's a snake on your butt.
- Candace: That's a tattoo.
- Homer: Why would you do that to your body?
- Candace: I thought you had one, too.
- Homer: Those are stretch marks, young lady. I've had three children.
- Candace's friend 1: Candace, what is his deal?
- Candace's friend 2: [gasps] Is he paying your rent?
- Candace: No.
- Candace's friend 3: Is he giving a kidney to your mother?
- Candace: No.
- Candace's friend 1: Is he good at sitting on suitcases that are too full?
- Candace: Yes, but no.
- Candace's friend 2: Is he your guest at a dinner for schmucks?
- Candace: No.
- Julio Franco: Are you a Humpty Dumpty catcher? Be honest.
- Candace: All no.
- Candace's friend 3: Does her remind you of a childhood snowman?
- Candace: Yes, that's it! And the great thing is he will never melt.
- Homer: Man, I would love to get back into snowman shape. I can't even fit in my scarf anymore.
- Candace: Two Scorpinos, Moe.
- Moe Szyslak: Scorpinos, you got it. And those are served in, uh...
- Candace: Champagne flute.
- Moe: Champagne flute, got it. And that is a...
- Candace: Glass! A clean glass.
- Moe: Ah, coming right up there, Your Highness.
- Candace: Then you can put a ring on my finger, Homer. I'm already pregnant.
- Homer: You're pregnant?! But I kept my shirt on! No!
- Marge: You did it, Homie! And what a March it was. A beautiful Easter, a sober St. Patrick's Day, and impeccable behavior watching the NCAA basketball tournament.
- Homer: Mm-hmm!
- Lisa: And with your love, Dad, I'm eating meat and Maggie's talking.
- Maggie: [singing] I see trees of green. Red roses, too...
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