Difference between revisions of "The Way I Wish We Was"

Revision as of 17:09, June 3, 2024

The Way I Wish We Was is a questline in The Simpsons: Tapped Out. It was introduced in the Level 45 content update. It unlocks Artie Ziff, the ZiffCorp Sign, the Indoor Tennis Courts, and the ZiffCorp Office Building.

Dialogue

Pt. 1

After tapping on Patty's exclamation mark Why the frown, Selma? This better be because we were ousted from the MacGyver Fan Club for indecency, and not man problems again! My boyfriend got an electrolarynx and now says he's too good for me. For God's sake, Selma – there're plenty of handsome men in the sea. Desperate, lonely, ugly, handsome men. Look at the facts, Patty. We're past 44 and still alone. Even my green card marriage fell apart – how am I supposed to compete with Haiti? I have a feeling 45 will take us to a whole new level. And that level is rock bottom, with hunks like Artie Ziff. You mean the guy who's crazy about Marge? A desperation only a loving sister can take advantage of. Task: "Place the ZiffCorp Sign". Place: ZiffCorp Sign New Character: Artie Ziff Well, look who the cat spit up! Me-*cough*-ow. Who's there? As the former Treasurer of the Billionaire Club, until it disbanded over mysteriously vanished funds, I demand to know who that is. It's your dream date…'s sister. And you are going to take me out to dinner. I would gladly settle for you for the evening, but I appear to have returned from limbo a bit cash poor… …the worst kind of poor there is. But if you float me I promise I'll pay you back in unconstructive criticism. Sorry, Artie, I can take sleazy and selfish, but not sleazy, selfish and broke. I have standards. Wait… You? Selma? You're turning ME down? Message Complete Artie's Quests to regain ZiffCorp Office Building and his flagging confidence. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 2

After tapping on Marge's exclamation mark Oh no… Artie! Don't take this the wrong way… …but you're the last person I ever wanted to see again. If I had a nickel every time someone said that to me, I'd still be rich! But don't worry your corn cob shaped head, I'm just here for a helping hand… …in marriage? Kidding! Just a helping hand. No funny business… …unless you like a man who's funny. Kidding again! Just the help. Maybe I can help you. Homer! Really? It's so rare to help someone worse off than me. I'm always the bottom left of New York Magazine's Approval Matrix. Every week! I humbly accept your offer of help, Homer. You clearly are the bigger man. I offer you help and you insult my weight. How dare you! He means that as a compliment, Dad. In that case, let's do the manliest thing I know - Destroy our livers! Task: "Make Homer Drink at Moe's". The job takes place at Moe's Tavern and takes 8 hours. Task: "Make Artie Have a Glass of Soy Milk at Moe's". The job takes place at Moe's Tavern and takes 8 hours. Task: "Make Moe Serve Drinks". The job takes place at Moe's Tavern and takes 8 hours. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 3

After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark Now that you have some Liquid Courage, and I've had some alcohol, let's find you a date! First, you'll need a wingman, one who is both uglier than you and less attractive. Lucky for us, we have Moe. I know it, but it still hurts. What exactly does being a wingman entail? For starters, I can help you collect intel on the prey… …I mean victim… …I mean woman… …I mean object. Then you can use that information to manipulate her! And all this time I've been foolishly selling personal information to the government, when I could have been using it to get dates? Task: "Make Moe Spy on Midge". The job takes place at Shrubs and takes 12 hours. Task: "Make Artie Spy on Everyone". The job takes place at Shrubs and takes 12 hours. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 4

After tapping on Artie Ziff's exclamation mark Marge, it is my professional opinion as an amateur opinion giver that everything wrong in your life is because of that sub-human drunk Homer Simpson! My husband offered to help you and this is how you repay him? This is new Springfield! It's a vast multi-dimensional universe where the currency is trans-fat based. Everything's changing! Give me a chance, Marge, and I can vastly improve your quality of life! Ok Artie, what do you propose? Margery Bouvier! I thought you'd never ask! Task: "Make Artie Propose to Marge". The job requires Marge and takes 24 hours. Artie, no means no. I wish you would respect me when I say that. Sometimes the most respectful thing you can do is ignore a woman's wishes and tell her what she really wants. You're looking at the new Artie! One that looks, talks, and acts like the old one. If you think you're a better man, Artie, don't prove it to me – prove it to yourself! Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 5

After tapping on Artie Ziff's exclamation mark Marge is playing hard to get once again! But if I know Marge, and for some reason I believe I do, the one thing that impresses her above all else is… MONEY! Time to reclaim my crown as the most successful, narcissistic idiot in Springfield's business universe. Watch out, Krusty! And Mr. Burns! And Duffman! And Kent Brockman! Geez, I didn't realize there were so many rich idiots in-- Keep your monologue to yourself, buddy. This bar is here to forget your problems, not solve them. Sorry Moe, I have this bad habit of thinking out loud. I suppose I can't quite get enough of the delightful sound of my own voice. Task: "Make Artie Form Business Connections". The job takes place at Moe's Tavern and takes 12 hours. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 6

After tapping on Artie Ziff's exclamation mark Moe, I came to you first with an exciting business opportunity. The last time I fell for that line I bought an Indian graveyard. Err, I mean, an empty plot of land. You said you would honor our spirit, Moe. And you believed me, Chief Gullible Panther. Moe, you've proven yourself a man with loose morals and that's exactly who I want to be in business with. Buy some shares of ZiffCorp and don't ask too many questions, and I'll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. I don't know – I've got some pretty wild dreams. In one, I got wheels for feet. Task: "Make Springfielders Invest in ZiffCorp". The jobs take place at Moe's Tavern and take 4 hours. Hey, Carl, do you think we made a mistake investing our life savings into this stock? No, Artie said he was coming to us first. And we can trust him -- he was wearing a suit. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 7

After tapping on Lenny's exclamation mark ZiffCorp was ranked the number one stock to buy in 2014 by Hickory Dickory Stock, the magazine for child economists. If it's good enough for America's youth, then it's good enough for me. It's logic like that that makes me feel better about investing so much in a company I know so little about. And here's another article on ZiffCorp in Ferdinand the Bull Market, the magazine for child bankers. Huh. Turns out ZiffCorp's borrowing our shares, short-selling them, and then repurchasing and returning them to us at a later date. That seems a little shady and not to our benefit. Should we be worried? My financial advisor says there is nothing to be worried about. We'll be millionaires by nap time. Task: "Make Artie Short Sell ZiffCorp Stock". The job takes place at the Java Server and takes 24 hours. Yeehaw! I just bought me a majority share of the hottest company in 'Murica! I feel like dancin'. Please stop shooting your own feet! We're on the second floor. Well, how do you dance if you aren't shooting at your feet to make ‘em move? In my culture, we sit down in chairs and make other people pick them up and dance for us. If The Rich Texan is not owned Message See what The Rich Texan is up to at the end of the quest line. Find him in the store. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 8

After tapping on Artie Ziff's exclamation mark I know how unorthodox it is to call a board of directors meeting in the middle of the streets, but I need to tell you all something and I wanted to do it in a place where I can easily escape. ZiffCorp is filing for bankruptcy. What about the articles in Mother Goose's ‘Lullabye and Sell' about ZiffCorp's massive profits? Was that all just a fantasy? No, not a fantasy. A lie! That was a lie! I think it's technically called investor fraud. But what about us? You will lose all your investments. But don't worry, there's a silver lining… Oh good, cause that all sounded really bad. What is it? You didn't let me finish. A silver lining on my new tennis court. Not quite regulation, but I love the way my ruby-crusted tennis balls clang off it. Task: "Build Indoor Tennis Courts". It takes 4 hours. Task: "Make Artie File for Bankruptcy". The job takes place at the Town Hall and takes 12 hours. Artie, you are absolutely the most unethical, sleazy example of a human being I have ever come across! You're right – I AM rich. Now will you marry me, Marge? You just don't get it. I don't want to be with you, or even around you. Go home Artie. What could have possibly gone wrong?! I didn't listen to a word she said and ruined hundreds of people's lives. I should be swimming in Marges. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 9

After tapping on Judge Snyder's exclamation mark …Insider trading, cooking the books, dangerously undercooked books, unauthorized exchanges, laundering money through numerous child-focused investment magazines. I don't know if there's a white collar crime you haven't committed, Mr. Ziff. White collar crimes are the good ones, right? Mr. Ziff, these are very serious accusations! A lot of people, including myself, have been financially crippled because of you! You've ruined lives! I don't suppose this ‘Get Out of Jail Free' card I have in my wallet is game transferrable? Jail? I don't think that's necessary. It's not like you shoplifted or were found with a minuscule amount of drugs. House arrest will do. And if you don't have a house, the court will appoint one for you. As for your failing business that ruined the community, its market cap just qualifies as too big to fail. I hereby order the town to bail out ZiffCorp and build it a fancy office building. Case dismissed! Task: "Build ZiffCorp Office Building". It takes 4 hours. So ZiffCorp is back and will be publicly traded. But I'll never be fooled by a man in a fancy suit again. Hey! Nice suit, Carl, so are you thinking of buying back in? Are you crazy? I lost over three hundred thousand dollars! Then I'm buying back in! What?! Why? I said I wasn't going to listen to a man in a suit and you're a man in a suit. Thanks for the not advice, Carl. Quest reward: 5,000 and 500