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Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble"/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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211
"Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble""
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- Bart: This ghost town is gonna be great. Now with 30 percent more gunfights!
- Marge: And 40 percent more rootin' tootin'!
- Marge: It's so sweet of you to take us out like this, Homie. Come on, kids, three cheers for your father! Hip hip--
- Lisa: Mom, don't.
- Marge: Hip hip--
- Bart: We heard you the first time.
- Marge: Hip hip--
- Homer: Hey, I'm trying to drive here!
- Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
- Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there--
- Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.
- Tour guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from St. Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trail hand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
- Homer: Three minutes? [whistles appreciatively]
- Marge: I never realized history was so filthy.
- Tour guide: First on our tour is the whorehouse. Then we'll visit the cat house, the brothel, the bordello, and finally, the old mission.
- Marge: Oh, thank heaven.
- Tour guide: Lots of prostitutes in there.
- Homer: Hey robot, get your fat, metal ass down here!
- Bartender: First of all, I'm not a robot. And second, I got this metal ass in 'Nam, defending this country for lazy jerks like you. Now, what'll you have, partner?
- Grampa: Can't get a good sarsaparilla like this back in Springfield. It angries up the blood.
- Bartender: You like it, huh?
- Grampa: Up yours!
- Grampa: Can I go to the bathroom before we leave?
- Homer: Oh, we've gotta get home. I don't wanna miss, Inside the Actor's Studio. Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham.
- Grampa: But I really need to--
- Homer: [sternly] F. Murray Abraham.
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh dear God! This man's kidneys have exploded. There's nothing left.
- Marge: Oh, no!
- Homer: Yep, that's what happens when you get older. It's one of those natural things. Beautiful in its way.
- Dr. Hibbert: Uh, actually, his kidneys were fine yesterday when he had his annual checkup.
- Homer: Excuse me, doctor. I think I know a little something about medicine...
- Grampa: I don't feel so good. Maybe I oughta eat something.
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over. [chuckles]
- Grampa: How long do I have to live, Doc?
- Dr. Hibbert: [chuckles] I'm amazed you're alive now.
- Homer: It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor says it's just a procedure.
- Moe: Nah, nah, no. Makin' polenta, that's a procedure. You're talkin' about deadly, life-threatening surgery, here.
- Homer: I'll do it. But if I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me?
- Marge: Ohh, anything, sweetheart.
- Homer: Blow up the hospital.
- Marge: Well... I said I'd do it, so I guess I'll have to.
- Homer: That's my girl.
- Grampa: Am I dead yet?
- Marge: No.
- Grampa: How 'bout now?
- Marge: No.
- Grampa: Now?
- Marge: I'll tell you when you're dead, Grampa.
- Grampa: Thank you.
- Homer: The sea forgives all. Not like those mean old mountains. I hate them so much.
- Homer: Oh, I'd like to apply for a job. Any job. If you don't have a captain, I could be that.
- Captain McCallister: Arr, what other ships have ye been on?
- Homer: I've been on that one. The taffy shop.
- Captain McCallister: Good enough.
- Captain McCallister: Welcome aboard The Ship of Lost Souls.
- Homer: The name on the back says "Honeybunch".
- Captain McCallister: Arr, I've been meaning to paint over that.
- Homer: Well, back on land, my name was Homer Simpson. And I guess it is here, too.
- Lisa: Doctor Hibbert, I thought you'd located another kidney for Grampa.
- Dr. Hibbert: Larry Hagman took it. He's got five of them now. And three hearts. We didn't want to give them to him, but he overpowered us.
- Bart: Try not to move, Dad. You swallowed a lot of motor oil.
- Dr. Hibbert: While we were setting your broken bones and putting your blood back in, we helped ourselves to a kidney and gave it to your father.
- Homer: You butchers! Give it back! Gimme that!
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