O C'mon All Ye Faithful/Quotes
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< O C'mon All Ye Faithful
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- Derren Brown: Christmas. It's said to be the most wonderful time of the year. But in the city sidewalks of Springfield... one doesn't see smile after smile. In the air, there's no feeling of the Christmas spirit, just the chunky inhale of tire fire and donut oil. Which makes it the perfect town to conduct an experiment. I'm mentalist and psychological illusionist, Derren Brown. In this special, I shall use a mixture of hypnosis, social compliance, British accent, and psychology in an attempt to change the holiday temperament of an entire town.
- Derren Brown: The award the Mayor is so thrilled about doesn't exist. We made it up. Forcing Quimby to awkwardly pretend he knows what we're talking about. This rattles him, making him easier to manipulate.
- Homer: [scoffs] They put Christmas decorations up earlier and earlier.
- Lisa: It's mid-December.
- Homer: [groans] Still a good joke.
- Lisa: It's not a joke, it's just a thing everyone says.
- Homer: Oh, but I suck at presents.
- Marge: I can't do all the shopping. You have to buy a present for me.
- Homer: Do you like any of this stuff?
- Marge: I have enough cuff links.
- Homer: Told ya I suck.
- Derren Brown: We followed Homer and soon learned hat he did, in fact, suck.
- Homer: Oh, I'm the worst. I make people sad. I should die and they should donate my body to a crappy medical school where they study my brain for why I suck at buying gifts.
- Marge: I think Homer's just bad at choosing gifts. He once gave Bart a CPR dummy. Bart hated it. He refused to revive it.
- Mr. Burns: Smithers, you said this bagel would have everything on it, but it's missing so many things. Talc. Neon. Laughter.
- Moe Szyslak: I used to spend every Christmas with the old, you know, head in the oven. But now, now I got the actual Santy Claus drinking my beer and peeing in my bathroom. It's a Christmas miracle over here.
- Kirk Van Houten: The star of Bethlehem is the mother ship which will leave the naughty and take the nice to the North Pole, where we will become immortal like Rudolph the Red. Blessed be his nose.
- Ned Flanders: Frankly, I've never liked this emphasis on Santa. I mean, an imaginary being who decides who's good and who's bad? When did people get so "gul-diddly-ulible"?
- Ned: What if there is no God? Sweet Jesus on a Triscuit. There'd be no heaven. There'd be no soul. Oh, my God. I mean, oh, my nothing!
- Ned: Like how could God take two wives from me? I follow all Ten Commandments. I even wrote three of my own. You'd think God would bless someone who tries so hard. Instead, I got two dead wives and a weird pinky toe. Jesus wore sandals, but I can't.
- Nelson Muntz: Haha! Your wife left you for dirt!
- Bart: Lis, what if I'm outgrowing Christmas?
- Lisa: Listen, you don't have to outgrow Christmas. It just changes. As you get older, instead of getting stuff, it's more about giving.
- Bart: How? I don't have any money.
- Lisa: The little drummer boy didn't have money, so he played his drum for baby Jesus.
- Bart: I bet that baby hated that.
- Lisa: No, Bart. The drummer boy's gift was the thing he did best. So do what you do best, but do it for other people.
- Bart: But what I do best is fill tailpipes with potatoes. Usually Russet, but I'll go Yukon Gold in a pinch.
- Lisa: We'll figure out the potatoes later.
- Ralph Wiggum: I still believe you're Santa.
- Homer: [groans] I appreciate that, but, you know, you've been working on a four-piece puzzle for a year.
- Ralph: [chuckles] A baby came to my house and fixed it.
- Ralph: Do you believe enough to magically make presents?
- Homer: I believe I can supervise as you make them. If you're still with me?
- Ralph: I am. 'Cause you can't spell elf… [long pause]
- Homer: Oh. You're done. Okay, good, let's get to work.
- Rod Flanders: No, I wanna be the only one who has it. I rebuke you as my brother!
- Todd Flanders: I'll Cain and Abel you in your sleep!
- Rod: I'll cut out your heart with the jaw of an ass!
- Rod: This is Jesus' worst birthday ever.
- Ralph: Everything's easy when you don't try.
- Homer: Put that on my tombstone, kid.
- Lisa: Suppose there existed an ocean the size of this world. On its surface floated an ox yoke.
- Marge: A yolk? Like an egg yolk?
- Lisa: No! The thing they use to attach a plow to an ox.
- Marge: [chuckles] I was imagining an ox laying an egg.
- Lisa: Well, don't. And at the bottom of this vast ocean, there lived a blind sea turtle who surfaced once every hundred years to take a breath. How miraculous would it be if that turtle were to take its breath by raising its head through the middle of that yoke? This is how miraculous it is that you were even born.
- Homer: Arrested on Christmas eve. Deserted by my elf. Wasted my one phone call calling the radio station to request "Jingle Bell Rock". It wasn't as rockin' as I remember. And tomorrow… [sniffles] …on Christmas morning, when Bart and Lisa and Maggie run into our bedroom at the crack of dawn… [crying] …I won't be there to tell them to shut up! [sobbing]
- Ralph: So everything is back to the way it was before we were magic?
- Homer: Yeah, I'm sorry.
- Ralph: I'm different.
- Homer: You are different, but you're cute. So that's gonna help.
- Ralph: No, I'm different 'cause the time I "spended" with you.
- Homer: Aw. I'm different, too.
- Ned: It almost looks like outer space.
- Professor Frink: Well, we actually know more about space than we know about the deep sea. We know even less about why you can't tickle yourself. It's actually not funny.
- Ned: Ah. How do you deal with the emptiness that comes with knowing there is no God?
- Professor Frink: Well, sir, I know no such thing. A scientist must always keep an open mind. Or at least one that is just a little bit ajar. For example, everything science knew told us that nothing could survive at this depth. But there are creatures that thrive here. [stammers] They're very weird creatures.
- Ned: It's a miracle. It's a "ding-dang-diddly-dong" miracle!
- Professor Frink: Wow. You are quite the potty-mouth now that there's no God watching you.
- Ned: It's a miracle. I'm a miracle. You're a miracle. Everything's a miracle. [chuckles]
- Professor Frink: He's been like this the-the whole ride back.
- Marge: I thought the hair-bow was for Maggie.
- Homer: I mixed up the boxes. Oh, it's fine. Maggie's gonna love this Applebee's gift card.
