Difference between revisions of "Treehouse of Horror XII/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 23:24, April 14, 2021

Hex and the City[edit]

Gypsy: [reading Marge's fortune] I sense you live with much misery.

[Homer bursts in, chuckling and carrying a balloon that says "Birthday Boy".]

Homer: The perfect crime. [suddenly serious] Marge, I have to be in court next Tuesday.

Gypsy: I sense I should not take... a check! [glares at Homer]

Marge: That gypsy said horrible things will happen to everyone you love. That could mean your family, Homer.

Homer: [flirtaciously] Are you coming on to me?

Marge: [annoyed, disgusted] No! Good night! Sheesh! [turns lights off]

[At the bar, Moe suggests that Homer use a Leprechaun to get rid of the Gypsy's curse.]

Carl: You know, I was hexed by a troll, and a Leprechaun cured that right up.

Lenny: Hey, you know what's even better is Jesus. He's like six Leprechauns.

Carl: Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Go with a Leprechaun.

[The Leprechaun and the Gypsy have just got married. Marge and Homer are at the wedding.]

Marge: The best thing about a Gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here.

Homer: Yep. Everything worked out for the best.

Marge: What?! Bart is dead!

Homer: Well, me saying I'm sorry won't bring him back.

Marge: The Gypsy said it would.

Homer: [stubbornly] She's not the boss of me.

House of Whacks[edit]

[The Ultrahouse has just served the Simpsons dinner.]

Homer: Mmmm... various eggs.

Lisa: Soy-ghetti-Os!

Bart: Hey, Pierce, how'd you know our favorite foods?

Ultrahouse: [Pierce Brosnan voice] I analyzed your... um... leavings.

[The Simpsons are impressed. They eat dinner.]

Marge: Pierce, that was delicious! Can we help you with the dishes?

Ultrahouse: Marge, what kind of cybertronic ultrabot would I be if I let those beautiful hands touch dishwater?

[Marge giggles.]

Ultrahouse: No, I'm asking.

Marge: Oh... uh... Not a very good one?

Ultrahouse: Damn straight.

[In the bathroom, water is running in the bathtub. Marge starts to take off her bathrobe to get into the tub.]

Ultrahouse: Hello, Marge.

Marge: [closing her robe and gasping] Oh, my!

Ultrahouse: Come, Marge. You don't need to cover up for me. I'm merely a pile of circuits and microchips.

Marge: Heh. Sorry. Sometimes I forget. [chuckles nervously, takes off robe, gets into tub]

[The Ultrahouse's camera lens zooms in on Marge as she settles into the tub.]

Ultrahouse: [quietly] Ooooh, yes. [The Ultrahouse lights the candles around the tub.]

Marge: Oh, Pierce, the water's perfect!

Ultrahouse: Isn't it just. It gets better.

Marge: Oh, you don't have to do any- [the bubbles turn on in the tub.] Oooohhhh. Oh, oh, Pierce... that's goooood... mmmmmm ...

Ultrahouse: Oh, oh, dear me. [clears fogged-up camera lens with a tiny windshield wiper] Oh, yes. Yum-yum-yum.

[The next morning, the Ultrahouse opens the blinds in the bedroom, awakening Marge.]

Ultrahouse: Good morning, Marge.

Marge: [yawns] Good morning, Pierce. [notices that Homer is gone] Where's Homer?

Ultrahouse: Uhhhhh, I think he went to work early.

Marge: That sounds like a lie.

[Marge glances at a family photo and gasps as she notices that Homer has been replaced by one of the Ultrahouse's camera lenses. She picks up the phone and dials.]

Marge: [quietly] Hello, police? I think my house killed my husband!

Ultrahouse: [on the phone] This is Constable Wiggums. We'll be right there. Remove your knickers and wait in the bath.

[The Simpsons run to the basement to disable the Ultrahouse's central processor. Homer grabs an axe and starts swinging wildly.]

Homer: Die, you monster! [keeps swinging]

Lisa: Dad! That's the water softener!

Homer: [sarcastically] Well, I am missing the back of my head! I think you could cut me some slack?

Wiz Kids[edit]

[At Springwart's School of Magicry...]

Mrs. Krabappel: Now, class, the big magic recital's coming up, so we're going to start with some basic toad-to-prince spells. Everybody get out their toads.

[The class complies, and Mrs. Krabappel goes to Milhouse's desk.]

Milhouse: [waving wand over toad] Slimy Prince Limey! [his toad turns into a drunken, loutish man in Elizabethan-era attire]

Drunken prince: [to Mrs. Krabappel] Well, hello, love. Give us a kiss, then. [puckers up]

Mrs. Krabappel: [scoffing] You call that charming? [she moves on to Lisa]

Lisa: [waving wand] Hocus-croakus! [her toad turns into a handsome young man in a suit with a Union-Jack vest]

Mrs. Krabappel: Oh, excellent, Lisa. A-plus. [aside to Lisa's prince] And we'll discuss your grade over breakfast. [she giggles]

Handsome prince: [gulping and chuckling nervously] Yes, rather.

[Mrs. Krabappel moves on to Bart's desk.]

Mrs. Krabappel: Well, Bart, did you study your spell book last night, or [sarcastically] did your fairy godmother die again?

Bart: I studied! [waves wand hesitantly] Abra-ca... turn into a prince guy? [his toad turns into a hideous toad-prince creature that constantly vomits]

Mrs. Krabappel: Sloppy work as usual. Lisa's casting spells at an eighth-grade level; you've sinned against nature.

Toad-Prince creature: Please kill me.

Montymort: Welcome to my lair! You're going to help me.

Bart: [defiantly] And if I don't? [Montymort points to a wall containing captured ghosts who are moaning endlessly]

Ghost Krusty: I've heard of a wailing wall, but this is ridiculous!

Ghost Comic Book Guy: I'm so sick of that joke!

[In his lair, Lord Montymort spies on the classroom.]

Montymort: Look at that Lisa Simpson. She's got more wicked witchery than Stevie Nicks. Oh, Slithers! [Slithers enters]

Slithers: Yes, Lord Montymort?

Montymort: Let's capture that girl and steal her magical essence. I'm not getting squat from this yo-yo.

[Annoyed, Montymort puts on a helmet and gestures at the wall. Shackled to the wall is Ralph Wiggum, who is wearing a helmet identical to Montymort's and connected to it by a tube. Lumps of something are moving along the tube from Ralph's head to Montymort's.]

Ralph: [laughing] Dying tickles!

[At the magical recital, Milhouse's attempt at the Invisibility Cloak has just gone severely awry, leaving him standing on stage naked. He runs offstage, crying.]

Principal Skinner: [murmuring] That was terrible. [louder, to the audience] I'll just sprinkle you all with some Amnesia Dust!

[Skinner sprinkles the dust over the audience and they applaud. Skinner moves on to introducing the next student.]

Skinner: A second-grade sorceress so powerful, she made tonight's refreshments out of dead people!

Audience: Eeeeeewwwwwww!!

[Skinner sprinkles Amnesia Dust over the audience again, and they laugh.]

Lisa: Release the dragon! [Jimbo and Kearney open the cage containing Montymort in dragon form, who then stomps toward Lisa, breathes fire, and roars like a T-rex from Jurassic Park. The audience gasps]

Marge: She'll be killed!

Homer: [gasps] My sweet little angel! [While he watches Lisa in danger, only his left eye rolls down to look at his remote TV as cheering is heard on it] Huh?

Lisa: Alakazai-dragonfly! [her "wand" bends downward when she tries to cast the spell] This isn't my wand! [gasps] It's a TWIZZLER!! [Bart laughs tauntingly backstage]