Difference between revisions of "Lisa the Vegetarian/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 13:43, September 27, 2022

[After visiting a petting zoo, Lisa finds herself unable to eat the lamb chops that Marge serves for dinner.]

Lisa: I can't eat this. I can't eat a poor little lamb. [pushes her plate away]

Homer: Lisa, get ahold of yourself. This is lamb, not a lamb.

Lisa: What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed me?

Bart: This one spent two hours in the broiler! [takes a big bite]

Homer: Lisa, honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Ham?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Pork chops?

Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!

Homer: [chuckling] Yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

[At Springfield Elementary School, the second grade is dissecting worms and Ralph has a problem.]

Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover?

Miss Hoover: Yes, Ralph, what is it?

Ralph: My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have another one?

Miss Hoover: No, Ralph, there aren't any more. Just try to sleep while the other children are learning.

Ralph: Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!

[At the cafeteria lunch line, Lisa has a problem with the menu.]

Lisa: Uhh, excuse me? Isn't there anything here that doesn't have meat in it?

Lunchlady Doris: Possibly the meat loaf.

Lisa: Well, I believe you're required to provide a vegetarian alternative.

[Dora picks up a hot dog, shakes the weiner out, and slaps the bun down on Lisa's tray.]

Dora: Yum. It's rich in bunly goodness.

Lisa: [drily] Do you remember when you lost your passion for this work?

[At Homer's barbecue, Lisa steals the pig, using the riding lawnmower to push the grill out of the yard and up a steep slope, while Homer and Bart chase after her. When Lisa gets to the top of the slope, the grill starts rolling downhill, building up speed. Homer and Bart now chase after the grill, while it rolls into a street and through a hedge.]

Homer: It's just a little dirty. It's still good, it's still good!

[Homer and Bart keep running after the grill. The grill rolls into traffic (miraculously missing every car) and crashes into a bridge railing. The pig keeps going and ends up splashing into the river.]

Homer: It's just a little slimy. It's still good, it's still good!

[The pig floats downstream to a dam where it gets caught in the spillway, blocking it. Water builds up behind the pig until the pressure pushes the pig the rest of the way through the spillway, blasting it into the sky. Homer and Bart watch from on top of the dam.]

Homer: It's just a little airborne. It's still good, it's still good!

Bart: [crestfallen] It's gone.

Homer: [even more crestfallen] I know.

[Meanwhile, Mr. Burns and Smithers are in Burns' office, looking out the window.]

Burns: You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage ... when pigs fly!

[Burns and Smithers laugh. Then they notice Homer's pig soar by.]

Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?

Burns: No, I'd still prefer not.

[After the pig incident, Lisa and Homer have an argument and Lisa runs away from home. The neighborhood kids still tease her.]

Sherri and Terri: Look, it's Mrs. Potato Head! She has a head made out of lettuce!

Ralph: I can't believe I used to go out with you.

Janey: Are you going to marry a carrot, Lisa?

Lisa: [sarcastically] Yes, I'm going to marry a carrot.

Sherri and Terri: Ooh! She admitted it. She's going to marry a carrot!

[While walking through Springfield, Lisa sees media influences everywhere saying to eat meat. She goes to the Kwik-E-Mart and sees a sign advertising "Premiere Gourmet Hot Dogs", 8 for 99 cents.]

Lisa: The whole world wants me to eat meat. I just can't fight it anymore.

[She takes a bite of a hot dog.]

Lisa: [yelling] There! Is everybody happy now?

Apu: I take it from your yelling that you like my tofu dogs?

Lisa: Tofu?

Apu: Oh, yes. No meat whatsoever. And only thrice the fat of a normal hot dog. I made the switch and nobody noticed.

Lisa: But why, Apu?

Apu: Of course, I am a vegetarian. Haven't you ever seen my T-shirt?

[Apu shows her the shirt. It has a cow with a red slash through it, and a caption reading "Don't have a cow, man!"]

Lisa: [chuckling] That's cute.

[Apu opens a hidden door to reveal a flight of stairs leading to the roof.]

Apu: Here. Let me show you something else. [They go up the stairs.]

[Apu opens another door, revealing a lush garden on the roof.]

Lisa: Ohhhh, Apu! It's beautiful!

Apu: Yes. This is where I come when I need some refuge from the modern world. Or when I want to see drive-in movies for free. [points out the drive-in theatre nearby] I know it is not easy to be a vegetarian, Lisa.

Lisa: That's why I ran away from home.

[Paul McCartney steps out from behind the brush.]

Paul: What? She's leaving home?

Lisa: [surprised] Paul McCartney! I read about you in history class. So where's your wife Linda?

Linda: Right here, Lisa. [appears from behind a bush] Whenever we're in Springfield, we like to hang out in Apu's garden in the shade.

Paul: We met him in India years ago, during the Maharishi days.

Apu: Back then I was known as the fifth Beatle.

Paul: [rolling eyes] Sure you were, Apu.

Apu: You know what, Lisa? Paul and Linda are vegetarians, too. In fact, Linda has her own line of vegetarian entrées.

Lisa: Apu, I'm sure the last thing they want to talk about is ...

Linda: [interrupting Lisa] We weren't satisfied with the other vegetarian meals on the market. You'd be surprised how often you find a big hunk of pork in them.

Lisa: Eeeeeewwwww!

Paul: Linda and I both feel strongly about animal rights. In fact, if you play "Maybe I'm Amazed" backwards, you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup.

Lisa: When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy simply eating vegetables, fruits, grains and cheese?

Apu: [horrified] Oh, cheese!

Lisa: You don't eat cheese, Apu?

Apu: No, I don't eat any food that comes from an animal.

Lisa: Oh, then you must think I'm a monster!

Apu: Yes, indeed, I do think that. But I learned long ago, Lisa, to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them. You know you can influence people without badgering them always. It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live".

Paul: Actually, it was "Live and Let Die".

Apu: Whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm.

Lisa: I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people. Especially my dad. Thank you, guys!

[Lisa takes her leave and starts walking home. She happens on Homer looking everywhere for her, including under manhole covers.]

Homer: Lisa! Lisa! Lisa, come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am!

Lisa: Hi, Dad. Looking for me?

Homer: [guardedly] I don't know. You looking for me?

Lisa: [also guardedly] I don't know.

Homer: [dropping his guard] Ohhh, Lisa. I was looking for you. I wanted to apologize. I don't know exactly what went wrong, but it's always my fault.

Lisa: Actually, Dad, this time, I was wrong...

Homer: [triumphantly] Ooooh!!

Lisa: [finishing her sentence] ... too.

Homer: [slightly crestfallen] Oh.

Lisa: While I was gone, I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney.

Homer: [awed] Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know?

Lisa: I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbecue.

Homer: I understand, Honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid. Come on, I'll give you a piggy-back... I mean a veggie-back ride home.

[They laugh. Lisa climbs onto Homer's shoulders and they head for home. "Maybe I'm Amazed" plays as the closing credits roll.]