Difference between revisions of "Stark Raving Dad/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 17:39, August 25, 2022

[When Bart's lucky red hat turns a load of white laundry pink, Homer is forced to wear a pink shirt to work. His shirt catches the eye of Mr. Burns as he reviews the security footage of the employees coming to work, as all the SNPP employees march in unison wearing identical white shirts.]

Burns: Why is that man in pink?

Smithers: Oh, that's Homer Simpson, sir. He's one of your boobs from Sector 7-G.

Burns: Simpson, eh? Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of free-thinking anarchist.

Smithers: I'll call Security, sir.

Burns: Excellent. Yes, these color monitors have already paid for themselves.

[In Sector 7-G, Homer's co-workers are laughing behind his back at his pink shirt.]

Carl: Quiet, here he comes!

Lenny: Hey Homer, we saved this doughnut for you with pink frosting on it!

[The other workers laugh uproariously.]

Homer: Mmm, thanks! [takes the donut, then realizes it matches his shirt] Hey! Just because I have a pink shirt doesn't mean...

[Homer's protest is abruptly cut off when security guards arrive and restrain him.]

Security guard: Drop that doughnut now, Pinkie!

[The pink shirt makes Mr. Burns question Homer's sanity. Homer is given the Marvin Monroe take-home personality test to fill out. Homer talks Bart into helping him with it, and Bart tries to administer the questions while Homer watches TV.]

Bart: Hey, Dad, do you hear voices?

Homer: [angry] Yes. I'm hearing one right now while I'm trying to watch TV.

Bart: [checks box] Yes. [moves on to next question] Are you quick to anger?

Homer: Bart! Shut up or I'll shut you up!

Bart: [checks box] Yes. [next question] Do you wet your pants? [thoughtfully] Well, even the best of us has an occasional accident.

[Bart checks "Yes" to the "wet pants" question, then "Yes" to the rest of the questions on the form.]

[The next day, Homer turns in the personality test. After his answers are analyzed, security guards grab Homer to cart him off to the New Bedlam Rest Home for the Emotionally Interesting.]

Smithers: [to security guards] Careful, men. He wets his pants.

[At New Bedlam, Homer is given a Rorshach test. The doctor shows him the first inkblot.]

Homer: The devil with his fly open.

Doctor: Right. [shows the next inkblot]

Homer: Uh, that's a spill on the floor with bugs going after it. Uh, they're going to eat it.

Doctor: Good. [shows the next inkblot, which looks like Bart]

Homer: Let's see, it's [angry] THE BOY!!!!

[Homer lunges at the paper and is restrained by two orderlies.]

Homer: This isn't fair! How can you tell who's sane and who's insane?

Doctor: Well, we have a very simple method. [stamps Homer's hand with a stamp that reads "INSANE"] Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane.

[The orderlies put Homer into a cell with "the big white guy who thinks he's the little black guy".]

Homer: Who are you?

"Michael Jackson": Hi, I'm Michael Jackson from The Jacksons.

Homer: Hi, I'm Homer Simpson from The Simpsons.

[Homer and "Michael Jackson" get acquainted...]

"Michael": You seem like a nice guy. Why'd they put you in here?

Homer: 'Cause I wore a pink shirt.

"Michael": I understand. People thought I was crazy for the way I dressed.

Homer: What'd you wear?

"Michael": One white glove, covered with rhinestones.

[Because Homer is too embarrassed to call his family from a nuthouse, "Michael" makes the call for him.]

Bart: [answering phone] Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.

"Michael": Hello? Who's this?

Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

"Michael": I'm Michael Jackson.

Bart: [skeptical] The Michael Jackson? [scoffs] No way!

"Michael": It's true. I'm with your father in a mental institution.

Bart: Uh-huh. And is Elvis with you?

"Michael": Could be. It's a big hospital.

Bart: Aw, c'mon. If you're really Michael Jackson, who were your last four dates for the Grammys?

"Michael": Brooke Shields, Diana Ross, Emmanuel Lewis and Bubbles.

Bart: Shiver me timbers! You are Michael Jackson!

[A nurse gathers Homer and some other patients together to discuss their problems.]

Dave: So I was working in an insurance company, right? Youngest VP in the history of the firm, okay? The job was my life. Then one Monday morning, I got up, I couldn't leave the house. I just couldn't.

Homer: Was the door locked?

Dave: No, I just couldn't face what was out there.

Homer: Was it raining?

Nurse: No, Homer, Dave suffers from agoraphobia, a fear of open areas and crowds. Please, Dave, go on.

Dave: Thank you. Anyway, that day I just knew I just couldn't make that long drive to work.

Homer: Were you out of gas?

[Nurse glares at Homer]

Homer: [scoffs] Baby...

[Marge pleads Homer's case with a doctor to get him released from New Bedlam.]

Doctor: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia and bladder hostility.

Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is.

Doctor: [shocked] You mean there really is a Bart?! Good Lord!

[After talking to Marge, the doctor is convinced that Homer is sane and releases him.]

"Michael Jackson": I'm proud of you, Homer. [They shake hands.]

Homer: Thanks a lot, Michael. You really helped me get through this. If you ever find your marbles, come visit us.

"Michael": Well, how about today? I'm only here voluntarily.

["Michael" explains the circumstances (a 1979 album only getting one Grammy nomination). Homer calls home to tell Bart that they'll be having company.]

Bart: [answering phone] Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.

Homer: [angry] Boy, when I get home I'm gonna wrap my hands around your neck [realizes that the doctors are watching and quickly calms himself] and smother you with kisses.

Bart: Homer, whatever they've got you on, cut the dose!

Homer: Now, listen. I'm bringing Michael Jackson home to stay with us for a few days. [aside to "Michael"] Isn't that cute, he's heard of you. [back on phone] Now make sure we have plenty of cold cuts and put some beer on ice.

"Michael": Um, Homer, I'm a vegetarian, and I don't drink.

Homer: [suspicious] Are you sure you're here voluntarily?

[In all the confusion, Bart has completely forgotten Lisa's birthday. "Michael Jackson" tries to help.]

"Michael": Bart, when I was a kid I didn't have much money. So you know what I did when my sisters' birthdays rolled around?

Bart: Stiffed 'em?

"Michael": No. I wrote them a song. To show that I cared.

Bart: I can't write a song. I'm only ten.

"Michael": Only ten? When I was your age, I had six gold records.

Bart: Hey! Looney Tunes, this is what Michael Jackson looks like.

[Bart holds up a copy of Thriller, showing a black Michael Jackson on the cover.]

Bart: [continuing] You look like a big fat mental patient.

"Michael": You'd be amazed how often I hear that.

Bart: Just leave me alone.

"Michael": Look, boy, either Michael Jackson is some guy working in a recording studio in L.A., or he's here with you willing to work on this song. It's your choice.

[After "Michael" rejects Bart's first attempt, "Michael" and Bart write and sing a birthday song for Lisa and she loves it. "Michael" takes his leave.]

"Michael": [deep gravelly voice] Well, my work is done here.

Bart: Hey, Michael, what happened to your voice?

Leon Kompowsky: This is my real voice. My name is Leon Kompowsky, and I'm a bricklayer from Paterson, New Jersey. All my life, I was very angry. Until one day, I just [Michael Jackson voice] talked like this. [back to normal voice] All of a sudden, everybody was smiling at me and I was only doin' good on this earth. So I kept on doin' it. To make a tired point, which one of us is truly crazy?

Homer: Not me! I've got this! [holds up his "NOT INSANE" certificate from New Bedlam]

[Leon leaves.]

Marge: Bye-bye, Leon!

Lisa: You're a credit to dementia!

[Leon walks down the sidewalk singing Lisa's birthday song in his normal voice. The scene fades out, and the song plays over the closing credits.]