  
Irrational Treasure/Quotes
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- Homer: How are you just sitting there? Your mom hit me with her car! She smashed me through a solid oak door! How could you not see me in the garage? I was running away and screaming in terror! [panting] There's wood everywhere in me! And why the hell was Maggie in the front seat?
- Lisa: Look at him. He's just a little mister. I'm gonna love you and smooch you and use you as a pillow.
- Homer and Bart: Yeah!
- Bart: And play with you and ride you to school and sic you on my enemies.
- Homer and Lisa: Yeah!
- Marge: And feed you healthy food, and give you plenty of exercise and teach us all lessons about responsibility. [pause] Yeah!
- Marge: Alexa, are grapes toxic to dogs?
- Amazon Alexa: What the hell did you do, lady?
- Veterinary nurse: Take a number. We'll be with you as soon as possible.
- Marge: But he ate a whole ambrosia with grapes.
- Veterinary nurse: What the hell did you do, lady?
- Veterinary surgeon: Where's the nice, mousy intern who always maintains her youthful optimism in the face of constant trauma?
- Veterinary intern: That would be me. [chuckles] May I say--
- Veterinary surgeon: Shut up! We have a greyhound to save.
- Adrienne Gesstar: Hi, my name is Adrienne. I'm the staff nutritionist and trainer. You want your dog to live a long time, don't you?
- Marge: You betcha.
- Adrienne: Then he'll need to lose a lot of weight. He's what we in the canine wellness field call, "Damn, that dog's fat."
- Lisa: A trip to Philadelphia? I can see where the Founding Fathers signed the Constitution.
- Bart: And I can crack the other side of the Liberty Bell and finish the job.
- Homer: Philadelphia, my kinda town. Throwing ice balls at Santa Claus, climbing greasy streetlamps. The city where Lenny Dykstra learned to be crazy, where every steak is cheesed and every tush is pushed. Even though I've never been, I feel like I was born there and I never left. But I'm not gonna die there. Oh, no. Not Homer Simpson. You'll see. I'll show 'em all! I guess what I'm trying to say is the Simpsons are going to Philadel--
- Hotel Philadelphia concierge: Yo, welcome to the Hotel Philadelphia. We offer 24-hour room service from our full Boyz II Menu. And if you need a water or any other jawn, just ring the Patti LaBelle, and we'll send a jabroni right up.
- Marge: So Philadelphia. Are the beds made of cream cheese?
- Hotel Philadelphia concierge: The cream cheese ain't got nothing to do with this town! It's just a name! Have some class! Now, would you like the Silver Linings Playbook Room or the Fresh Prince suite?
- Homer: I don't even wanna do any of this stuff now. Being told I'm selfish takes all the fun out of only thinking about myself.
- Professor Cage: It is imperative that we locate your dog. He is a national treasure, or to be more technical, canus ex machina.
- Homer: The dog's not here, nutjobs. He's with my wife at the… [thinking] Homer, think. You can't let these nutjobs find Marge at the dog show or they'll ruin everything she worked so hard for. Wait, wait, this is my chance to actually support my wife just like I lied I would! [speaking] Um, my wife and dog are sightseeing.
- Professor Cage: 250 years ago, Philadelphia was home to America's greatest statesman, diplomat, and inventor, Benjamin Franklin.
- Homer: Wow. Amazing.
- H.O.A.G.I.E. Men woman: But the thing about Benjamin Franklin--
- Homer: Who's that?
- H.O.A.G.I.E. Men man: We just told you.
- Homer: He played for the Sixers?
- Professor Cage: He had another talent that only we know about. He was a thief. While pretending to negotiate the Treaty of Paris, Franklin stole millions in gold from the Palace of Versailles and smuggled it home in the brassieres of his various mistresses! He only trusted one member of his inner circle to help hide his ill-gotten treasure, his beloved greyhound! "But wait, Benjamin Franklin never had a greyhound," you say?
- Homer: I do?
- Professor Cage: Well, that's where you're wrong! Franklin hid his connection to this amazing breed until we discovered this. It's true. Your dog is a direct descendant of Franklin's greyhounds, and he will lead us to this very key, which will unlock the vault containing Franklin's millions, a vault hidden somewhere here in the City of Brotherly Love!
- Homer: Um, Pittsburgh?
- [the H.O.A.G.I.E. Men sigh]
- Homer: Yeah, look, nerds, as much as I love to keep humoring you, here's the truth. You're crazy. There's no treasure. My dog's just a regular dog, and I've spent the whole day smartly keeping you away from him and my wife.
- H.O.A.G.I.E. Men man: There they are!
- Homer: These crazies think our dog is George Washington's grandson. I was trying to keep them away from you.
- Marge: [sarcastic] Well, you did a great job.
- Homer: That's very kind, but no, I didn't. I failed.
- Marge: That scheming trainer must be headed to Betsy Ross's house.
- Homer: [gasps] That's at 239 Arch Street.
- Marge: How'd you know that?
- Homer: I passed it a bunch of times today while trying to find M. Night Shyamalan's grave. But in a crazy twist, he's still alive.
- Marge: Santa's Little Helper, I'm your mommy. I introduced you to bone broth. The whole family wanted to dye you green for St. Patrick's Day, and I'm the one who said no. We need you alive. So I'm begging you, just stay.
- Marge: This is my fault. All this crazy diet and training was because I wanted him to live longer. And now he's gone. I was so stupid. Having any pet is stupid. When we got Santa's Little Helper, we didn't just say, "Yes, I'd like to rescue this dog." We said, "Hi. I volunteer to have my heart ripped out of my chest someday, because no matter how much time we get to have together, it will never be enough." [cries]
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