Homer? A Cracker Bro?/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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"Homer? A Cracker Bro?"
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- Mayor Quimby: Today, I'm proud to celebrate the opening of a thing I'd never heard of: a freeway wildlife crossing. Now here is a little girl whose pestering has made this, whatever this is, a reality, Lisa Simpson.
- Kent Brockman: This is your crane on drugs. The wildlife of Springfield has gone on a bad trip, gobbling up several tons of psychiatric medication. Snakes on antipsychotics are befriending rats on Zoloft. Beavers on beta blockers are building dams without their usual performance anxiety. Turtles tweaking on Adderall are racing past chilled-out rabbits on Klonopin.
- Homer: Okay, boy, you know the drill. I can't get sucked into a conversation with Milhouse's loser dad, so you need to bail out of the car without me coming to a full stop.
- Kirk Van Houten: Get in here, or you'll be trampled.
- Homer: Trampled, eh? [thinking] Death or Kirk? Death or Kirk? Death, it is.
- Homer: This family sucks. Everything they do is different and wrong.
- Milhouse Van Houten: May I be excused to go to the bathroom?
- Luann Van Houten: Do you need to winkle or make?
- Kirk: I get a 5% employee discount at the cracker factory. I took that in lieu of the pension. [chuckles]
- Kirk: I couldn't stop thinking about how cracker crumbs are destroying your marital bed.
- Marge: Who told you that?
- Homer: Not me.
- Kirk: Oh, hey, buddy. I kept wondering about how I could save your sexless marriage, and then some teens dropped candy apples on my car from an overpass.
- Bart: They weren't all teens. I mean, tell us more.
- Kirk: Quit your job and partner with me in a new, cutting-edge cracker company.
- Homer: Homer? A cracker bro?
- Homer: I just have one question. If there's no crumbs, what's that on your shirt?
- Kirk: Dandruff.
- Kirk: Uh, Garçon, how much is your most expensive bottle of wine?
- Raphael: Forty bucks. Snoopy's on the bottle.
- Kirk: Honey, if there's one thing I know, it's that there will always be enough money for everything forever. We are eternity. Nothing goes away.
- Kirk: Oh, come on, baby. Shake your Milhouse maker.
- Marge: I don't know what's happening with Mr. Van Houten. It's like he's on something.
- Dr. Hibbert: More like he's off something. You see, Kirk suffers from bipolar disorder, and he ran out of his meds during the pharmaceutical shortage caused by that horribly ill-advised wildlife crossing.
- Lisa: [whimpers]
- Dr. Hibbert: And when the drug supply returned, Kirk refused to go back on his meds because he felt like, quote, "Superman surfing a hurricane." I'm afraid your friend is now well into a manic phase.
- Lisa: Um, Dr. Hibbert, should you be telling us all this?
- Dr. Hibbert: Probably not, but I just had five mac-and-cheeseball martinis. I guess doctor-patient confidentiality doesn't stand a chance against deep-fried gin. [laughs] I feel terrible.
- Marge: Hi, Luann. I wanted to talk about Kirk's behavior last night. It seemed a little, uh, unmedicated?
- Luann: Oh, right. Kirk's "disorder." It turns out there's a cure: money.
- Harper Poppyseed: What are your plans for expansion?
- Kirk: We don't have a plan for expansion. We have a plan for domination. I eat skyscrapers.
- Homer: Um, what my colleague is saying is that we have a plan for measured steady growth.
- Marge: If you take these, you'll feel better.
- Kirk: But no one likes me when I'm regular Kirk. When I stopped taking my meds, everyone liked me.
- Marge: I didn't. But if you ever cared about your friendship with Homer, take this.
- Marge: This is incredible.
- Kirk: Oh, I couldn't even get the color right. The missiles don't even work. I'm so stupid.
