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The Cartridge Family/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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183
"The Cartridge Family"
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- Homer: It's a handgun! Isn't it great? This is the trigger, and this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die.
- Marge: Homer, I don't allow guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?
- Homer: I thought Smithers did it.
- Lisa: That would have made a lot more sense.
- Homer: [walking out of store to his car] Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two... [at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom] ...let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods...
- Lisa: Dad...it's 3 A.M! Can't you mutter in your room?
- Homer: Marge kicked me out.
- Lisa: [groans] All right. Go ahead.
- Homer: Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children...
- Homer: I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please.
- Gun Shop Owner: Aisle six, next to the sympathy cards.
- Moe: And that's how, with a few minor adjustments, you can turn a regular gun into five guns.
- TV Announcer: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Big Salsa!
- Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people.
- TV Announcer: And they'll all be signing autographs!
- Homer: Woo-hoo!
- Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge, it's a tool. Like a butcher's knife or a harpoon, or... or an alligator.
- Lady: Lookin' for a good time, sailor?
- Bart: I certainly am!
- Marge: No you're not! [to the lady] He's really not.
- Homer: [to Marge] Come to the NRA meeting with me and if you still don't think guns are great, we'll argue some more.
- Homer: But I have to have a gun. It's in the Constitution.
- Lisa: Dad, the 2nd Amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days. It has no meaning today.
- Homer: You couldn't be more wrong Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants and start shoving you around. Do you want that? [pokes Lisa] Huh? [shoves her] Do ya!?
- Homer: I'm sorry I lied to you Marge, but this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
- Announcer: This match will decide which nation is the greatest on Earth: Mexico or Portugal!
- [The Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier.]
- Marge: Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?
- Bart: Um...
- Homer: Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!
- [Points gun to himself.]
- Marge: Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.
- Homer: You said the breakfast table.
- Marge: It's the same table!
- Homer: Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on. [Homer attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board.]
- Homer: Oh... I guess the safety was on. [he tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest]
- Homer: I'd better just put it down.
- [He sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes.]
- Lisa: No offense Mom, but that was pretty cool.
- Salesman: But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives!
- Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.
- Marge: I'm a lucky woman.
- Homer: And I'm a wonderful man.
- Marge: Homer, we've got to get out of here!
- Homer: Ooh, but I want to do some rioting. [pushes one of the Scotsmen]
- Scotsman: [turns to face Homer, screaming] Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker!
- Homer: All done! [runs off]
- Salesman: Looks like you called me just in time. This home isn't secure at all. [he begins to pocket a few items from around the house]
- Homer: [to Marge] What did I tell you, Marge?
- Salesman: Intruders could come in down the chimney, through the mail slot, even hidden in your groceries.
- [Homer grabs for his gun, but the cashier holds onto it.]
- Cashier: Sorry, the law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.
- Homer: Five days? But I'm mad now!
- [The cashier pulls the gun away from Homer.]
- Homer: I'd kill you if I had my gun.
- Cashier: Yeah, well, you don't.
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