Homer vs. Patty and Selma/Quotes
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- Homer: "What the hell are you doing here?"
- Selma: "You came to us in order to be bailed out of your money problems. Now we own you like Siegfried owns Roy."
- After Homer's debt to Patty and Selma has been revealed to Marge, thus revoking the agreement.
- Homer: "Time to fertilize the lawn. A couple of 500-pound bags ought to do it!"
- Homer tosses Patty and Selma out on the front lawn of the Simpsons residence.
- Carl: Quit drowning in self-pity and come get drunk with us.
- Homer: Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks. You know that movie, "Young Frankenstein"? Scared the hell out of me!
- Mel Brooks: Umm, thanks.
- Lenny: Hey, Homer! How come you've got money to burn? Or singe, anyway?
- Carl: Yeah, Homer, what's your secret investment?
- Homer: Take a guess.
- Barney: Uh, pumpkins?
- Homer: [pause] Yeah, that's right, Barney. This year, I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October and I got a feeling they're going to peak right around January. Then, bang! That's when I'll cash in.
- Broker: Homer, you knuckle-beak, I told you a hundred times: you've got to sell your pumpkin futures before Hallowe'en! Before!
- Homer: All right, let's not panic: I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
- Patty & Selma: Hello, Homer.
- Homer: Marge, we had a deal: your sisters don't come here after 6:00 and I stop eating your lipstick. [wipes some off his teeth]
- Marge: This is a special occasion. Patty and Selma just got promoted at the DMV!
- Selma: Yeah, Homer: let your wife have a glimpse of success for once.
- Homer: All right, that's the last straw: time to take out the trash! But first, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
- Marge: I'm sorry: Homer doesn't mean to be rude, he's just a very complicated man.
- [Homer appears at the bedroom window, breaks a plate over his head.]
- Homer: Wrong!
- Selma: When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?
- Patty: Granted, you got some kids out of him, but when the seed have been planted, you throw away the envelope.
- Marge: I wish you wouldn't put Homer down like that. He may not be a big success like you, but I can always count on him to provide for
the family.
- Marge: Homer! Homer, wake up! There's still a few minutes till our usual bedtime.
- Homer: Oh, my invention! All our money problems could have been...
- Marge: Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble? [Homer imagines Marge dressed like a queen]
- Homer: Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. [Lisa walks up; Homer imagines her differently] And Lisa, my little princess. [Bart walks up] And who could forget dear Ratboy?
- Bart: Ratboy? I resent that. [gnaws on doorframe]
- Marge: Bart, I told you before, stop gnawing on the drywall.
- Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them as is my understanding...
- Milhouse: It is a gorgeously fabulous day... marvelous, even.
- Bart: So, uh...what's your hurry to get to school? [slows down]
- Milhouse: Nothing... what's your hurry? [slows down more] [Bart stops walking] That's enough, Bart. Fun is fun, but if we're late we're
going to get in trouble.
- Bart: You're right, Milhouse: fun is fun. [whistles]
- Principal Skinner: [over PA] Attention, students. It's time once again to choose a gym class for the coming term so let's all prove how adult we can be by filing to the gym in a calm and orderly manner... even though it's first come, first serve, and the most popular sports fill up fast. [a mass hysteria takes over as everyone rushes to the gym]
- Groundskeeper Willie: [getting trampled] Aah! Too many wee ones.
- Richard: This gets uglier every year! Any sign of Bart and Milhouse?
- Lewis: No... and if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them.
- Ralph: [at "tethered swimming"] I don't feel right.
- Bart: Oh, no, it's P.E. signup day!
- Lisa: How could you forget? They had signs posted all over the library.
- Milhouse: Better sign up for something fast, man. Baseball just filled up... oof! [gets kicked]
- Nelson: So did Tae Kwon Do.
- Principal Skinner: Heh heh, there's only one class left, but it happens to be the coolest one of all.
- Bart: Ballet? Dancing is for girls.
- Principal Skinner: Well, you should have gotten here earlier.
- Homer: You're my last, last chance: bottom-of-the-barrel, hail-mary, long-shot, wish-you-would-do-it-but-probably-won't final resort to lend me money.
- Selma: We'll take care of you.
- Patty: Yes, care. [they laugh evilly] [Homer starts laughing too; he continues long after they stop] Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here!
- Teacher: All right, girls, today we learn the dance of the Faerie Queens. You can either be a faerie, or a queen. It's wide open.
- [Bart groans.]
- Teacher: Ah! And what have we here? A young man maybe who thinks he can be the next Baryshnikov?
- Bart: I don't want to be the next anything. I'm only taking this stupid class because they made me.
- Teacher: So, he has fire in the belly! But it will take more than bellyfire to be the next Baryshnikov
- Bart: Look, Boris, I think ballet's for sissies.
- Teacher: Ha ha ha! Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined, but for the sissies, never! Now, put on this fuchiatard: you are a faerie.
- Teacher: Is something wrong, Mr. Simpson?
- Bart: I don't like wearing tights, ma'am.
- Teacher: But so many of your heroes wear tights: Batman, for example, and... Magellan.
- Bart: Look, I don't like this cootie platoon and I never well. I'm out of here, and I'm out of this stupid outfit. [struggles to take it off; struggles turn graceful] Wait! Joy of movement increasing. Love of dance impossible to resist. [the other girls gasp with delight] Toes twinkling... look at me, girls! I'm doing ballet... and I love it!
- Patty: Hmm... am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?
- Homer: Request permission to slink by.
- Patty: Permission pending. First... light our cigarettes.
- Homer: But you're already smoking cig -- [they stub them and take new ones, clearing their throats] You're really pushing it.
- Selma: Come on, Homer: you can't spell "obsequious" without I-O-U.
- Homer: I'll have to trust you on that.
- Patty: Well, Marge was always a good speller... let's ask her.
- Homer: No! Don't tell Marge. I'll be good, I'll be good! [lights their cigarettes, then tries to light the IOU]
- Patty: Tut tut tut! Just for that, you have to crawl around on the floor like the dog you are.
- Homer: [stammers] Yes, ma'am. [gets on all fours] [the twins laugh]
- Patty: Now say, "I am Homer Simpson, the lowly dog" — in a dog's voice.
- Homer: I am Homer Simpson...
- Patty: Good, good. Jump, Homer, jump!
- Marge: [walking in] What's going on in here?
- Homer: [in a dog's voice still] Absolutely nothing, Marge!
- Marge: What's that paper?
- Homer: What paper? [reaches for it] [it floats up and lands on top of the light]
- Marge: [gasps] Homer! Is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters?
- Homer: I don't know, Marge, I can't be expected to keep track of all my wheelings and dealings.
- Patty: He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns.
- Homer: [gasps] You told! [tosses Patty out] [tosses Marge out accidentally, runs out to get her] Sorry, Marge. [tosses Selma out] I never want to see you again! You either.
- Marge: Homer... Homer, why didn't you tell me?
- Homer: I was ashamed, Marge. I've failed you as a husband and a provider... and at best, I was a B+ dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight. [goes to the bedroom]
- Bart: See that? I started to do, like, a little arabesque, but then I just fully went for it and pulled off the demi-entrechat. Not that I'm into that kind of thing... [drinks a Tab]
- Teacher: Bravissimo, Bart! Next week, class gives its first recital, and you, you will dance the male lead!
- Bart: Dance in front of the whole school? What is it with you and ballet?
- Teacher: I have know you have great conflict, Bart: you love ballet, yet you fear the boys will laugh at you, no?
- Bart: No, I fear the girls will laugh at me. I fear the boys will beat the living snot out of me.
- Lisa: Hey, Dad. Whatcha doin'?
- Homer: Daddy has very important work to do. He's looking through the want ads to find a part-time job.
- Lisa: Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival.
- Homer: Oh. No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine.
- Principal Skinner: You're going to have to work hard to win this crowd over. Most of them are here as part of detention.
- Bart: Pretty big crowd.
- Principal Skinner: Mm hmm. We've even bussed in troublemakers from other schools.
- [Bart gulps apprehensively]
- Lisa: That spiky-haired masked dancer is really something. I wonder who he is?
- Jimbo: He's graceful, yet masculine. So it's OK for me to enjoy this.
- Bart: [thinking] They love me; I'm accepted. I don't need this mask any more. [out loud] Behold, the masked dancer is me, Bart! [removes mask; everyone gasps] It is I who have won your acclaim.
- Jimbo: Bart does ballet!
- Kearney: He dances like girls!
- Nelson: Ha ha!
- Bart: Go ahead and laugh. But I took a chance and did something I wanted to do. And if that makes me a sissy, well, then... I guess I'm a sissy.
- Jimbo: [pause] He's a sissy! Let's rush him.
- Homer: Stupid driving test at the stupid DMV where stupid Patty and stupid Selma work! Sometimes I think God is teasing me... just like he teased Moses in the desert.
- Marge: Tested, Homer! God tested Moses. And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
- Homer: Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes... yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now that's sarcasm.
- Patty: Well, well, well: look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's license.
- Homer: Look, all I ask is that you be fair.
- Patty: Oh! Did not adjust side mirror. Minus one point.
- Selma: Failed to check blind spot. Minus two points.
- Homer: You won't be happy until my family thinks I'm a loser, will you?
- Patty: You are a loser, Homer... and we're winners. You gotta learn that.
- Selma: Ooh, seat belt twisted. Minus one point.
- Homer: Nagging the driver. Minus ten points for you!
- Patty: Grazed a cone. Minus five points!
- Homer: Being a jerk. Minus a million points!
- Super: [to Patty & Selma] Ladies, please don't tell me you're smoking in a government building. Because that is precisely the kind of infraction that can cost a couple of sisters their promotion. [they gasp, and stammer]
- Homer: [chuckles to himself] [sees Marge looking unhappy] [sighs] I'll never forgive myself for this. [grabs both cigarettes, drags]
- Super: Wait a minute! Those are yours, sir?
- Homer: [monotone] Yes. [coughs] I am in flavor country.
- Super: [skeptical] Both of them?
'Homer: [hacks] It's a big country.
- Super: Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler. [she slaps him]
- Patty: Homer, um... I'm speechless. You just saved our hides.
Homer: Please, on top of everything else, don't make me picture your hides!
- Marge: That's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters.
- Homer: I didn't do it for them... I did it for you, Marge. I'd kill for you. Please ask me to kill for you...
'Marge: No, Homey. You see? You see, this is the stuff I've been telling you about that you never see!
- Patty: Homer... we're... sorry.
- Selma: If there's anything we can do to make it up...
- Homer: Call off the debt?
- Patty: Or, say, we could let you pass your driver's test...
- Homer: Call off the debt?
- Patty: Uh... well...
- Homer: Debt's off! Let's go, Marge. [squeals away in his car]
