'Round Springfield/Quotes
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- Krusty: Hey kids, it's story time! [laughs] I'm going to tell you the story of Krusty's expensive new suit. His sexual harassment suit![laughs nervously] Anyway, as part of Krusty's plea bargain, he has a new court-ordered sidekick, Ms. No Means No! [in a faux-infatuated tone] Woah! You're hot! Let's get some dinner right after the show!
- [Ms. No Means No blows her whistle and shows Krusty a "NO" Sign]
- Krusty: [nervously] I have dinner with all my employees, right Sideshow Mel?
- Sideshow Mel: We've never spoken outside of work.
- [Krusty laughs nervously while Mel and No Means No stare angrily at him]
- Bart: I'm surprised he doesn't try to blame his problems on his Percodan addiction.
- Krusty: Wasn't my fault, it was the Percodan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our new sponsor- [shocked] Percodan?! Aw crap!
- Homer: Lisa, when you get to be our age, you learn a few things. Like when a sign says 'Do not feed the bears' [holds up his arm with a bear cub having its claws and teeth sunk into it] man, you better not feed the bears.
- Bart: Mrs Krabappel, I can't take the test, I have a stomachache.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Well, that's a lame excuse for an excuse - Ha!
- Bart: Look, if you ignore me and I die, you'll get in a lot of trouble.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Read page six of the School Charter.
- Bart: No teacher shall be held accountable if Bart Simpson dies.
- Mrs. Krabappel: We're also absolved if Milhouse gets eaten by the school snake.
- [Cut to Milhouse, who has been eaten by the school snake.]
- Milhouse: Hey, cool, there's a rabbit in here!
- Homer: Lisa, honey, are you going to be okay?
- Lisa: Bleeding Gums was my hero and I never got to tell him how I felt.
- Homer: Oh, I'm sure he knew, and I'm sure that wherever he is now, he's happy.
- Lisa: But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do.
- [Suddenly, Maggie gives Lisa a pacifier.]
- Lisa: Thank you. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die?
- Homer: Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over.
- Lisa: Uh huh.
- Homer: Remember, honey?
- Lisa: Yeah.
- Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
- Lisa: [wailing] Oh, Dad! [weeps]
- Lisa: Isn't anybody gonna show up?
- Reverend Lovejoy: Lisa, we've waited an hour. [clears throat] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bid farewell to Blood and Guts Murphy.
- Lisa: No! It was Bleeding Gums Murphy.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Anyway, Bloody Gums Murphy was quite the sousaphone player.
- Lisa: Saxophone! He was a jazz musician! You didn't know him! Nobody knew him, but he was a great man, and I won't rest until all of Springfield knows the name Bleeding Gums Murphy!
- Krusty: And I contend that those tourists were decapitated before they entered the Krustyland House of Knives. Next question?
- Reporter: What about that little boy who got appendicitis from eating your cereal?
- [camera pans right to Bart and Lionel Hutz]
- Krusty: To prove that this Metal-O is harmless, I will personally eat one.
- [eats a normal Krusty-O]
- Krusty: See? There's nothing- [begins screaming in agony] BOY! THIS THING IS SHREDDING MY INSIDES!
- Sideshow Mel: Uh, Krusty. That wasn't the metal one, that was a regular Krusty-O.
- Krusty: [weakly] It's poison...