Difference between revisions of "A Star Is Burns/Quotes"

Revision as of 16:04, November 21, 2012

[The Springfieldians have a town meeting to discuss improving the town's image and attracting more tourism. Marge suggests hosting a film festival and having townspeople enter their own movies.]

Mayor Quimby: All in favor of Marge Simpson's film festival idea?

Crowd: [chanting in unison] Film festival! Film festival!

Marge: You like my idea? Actually, I have several others—

Crowd: [in unison, cutting her off] Don't push your luck! Don't push your luck!

[On TV, Rainier Wolfcastle is appearing on Coming Attractions, Jay Sherman's show. Wolfcastle talks about his new movie, McBain: Let's Get Silly, which depicts him as a comedian, alternating between telling bad jokes and dispatching hecklers (and many other audience members) with various weapons.]

Wolfcastle: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost eighty million dollars.

Jay: [disgusted] How do you sleep at night?

Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

Jay: [even more disgusted] Just asking. Yeesh!

[At the airport, the Simpsons meet Jay Sherman, who's come to judge the Springfield Film Festival.]

Marge: Hello, I'm Marge Simpson, and this is my husband, Homer.

Jay: Oh, nice to meet you, Marge. I saw your hair from the plane. [to Homer] And this must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil.

Homer: It was a Gummi Bear.

[Preparing to make his movie for the film festival, Mr. Burns meets with Señor Spielbergo, his director.]

Burns: Listen, Señor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.

Spielbergo: [looking doubtful] Er, Schindler es bueno. Señor Burns es el diablo.

Burns: Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod: We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit! Now go out there and win me that festival!

[At the Simpson home, Jay Sherman talks with Patty and Selma while Homer watches.]

Patty: Okay, Sherman, you're a movie expert.

Selma: So tell us. Who's gay?

Jay: Oh, I don't know ... [mumbling] Harvey Fierstein.

Selma: No!

Patty: "Who else?"

[Homer whispers into Jay's ear.]

Jay: Oh. MacGyver's gay.

[Patty and Selma growl and advance on Jay, who cowers from them. Homer giggles.]

[The scene shifts to outside. Jay has been stripped to his underwear and is dangling from the rain gutter by the waistband of his shorts.]

Bart: [seeing Jay and laughing] You badmouthed MacGyver, didn't you?

Dr. Hibbert: [walking to the movies in drag, then seeing the film festival is being held] Oh, I thought they were showing The Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight.

[At the film festival, Hans Moleman's Man Getting Hit by Football has just been shown.]

Homer: [laughing to the point of tears] This contest is over! Give that man the ten thousand dollars!

Jay Sherman: [disapprovingly] This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos.

Homer: But ... the ball! His groin! It works on so many levels! [still laughing] Roll it again!

[Mr. Burns' film festival entry, A Burns for All Seasons, has just been shown. To Burns' shock, the film draws a strong negative reaction from the audience.]

Mr. Burns: Smithers, are they booing me?

Smithers: Oh, no, sir. They're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns".

Burns: [to crowd] Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?

Crowd: Boooooooooooo!

Hans Moleman: [to himself] I was saying "Boo-urns".

[The jury members are casting their votes for grand prize at the Springfield Film Festival. Jay Sherman is dismayed that Mr. Burns' movie is drawing votes.]

Jay: How can you vote for Burns' movie?

Krusty: Let's just say it moved me ... TO A BIGGER HOUSE!! Oops, I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.

[A remake of Hans Moleman's movie is an Academy Award contender.]

George C. Scott: [on screen, getting hit by football] Ow! My groin!