Difference between revisions of "Homer vs. Patty and Selma/Quotes"
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{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Bart vs. Australia|A Star Is Burns}} | {{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Bart vs. Australia|A Star Is Burns}} | ||
| − | |||
| − | '''[[ | + | '''[[Homer]]''': "What the hell are you doing here?" |
| − | '''[[ | + | '''[[Selma]]''': "You came to us in order to be bailed out of your money problems. Now we own you like Siegfried owns Roy." |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | ''After Homer's debt to Patty and Selma has been revealed to Marge, thus revoking the agreement'' | + | :''After Homer's debt to Patty and Selma has been revealed to Marge, thus revoking the agreement.'' |
| − | |||
'''Homer''': "Time to fertilize the lawn. A couple of 500-pound bags ought to do it!" | '''Homer''': "Time to fertilize the lawn. A couple of 500-pound bags ought to do it!" | ||
| − | + | :''Homer tosses Patty and Selma out on the front lawn of the [[742 Evergreen Terrace|Simpsons residence]].'' | |
| − | ''Homer tosses Patty and Selma out on the front lawn of the Simpsons residence'' | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Lisa''': How's Dad today? | + | '''[[Lisa]]''': How's Dad today? |
| − | '''Marge''': Not too good, Lisa. Frankly, he's under the table. | + | '''[[Marge]]''': Not too good, Lisa. Frankly, he's under the table. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Carl''': Quit drowning in self-pity and come get drunk with us. | + | '''[[Carl]]''': Quit drowning in self-pity and come get drunk with us. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Homer''': Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks. You know that movie, "Young Frankenstein"? Scared the hell out of me! | + | '''Homer''': Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks. You know that movie, ''"Young Frankenstein"''? Scared the hell out of me! |
| − | '''Mel Brooks''': Umm, thanks. | + | '''{{ch|Mel Brooks}}''': Umm, thanks. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Lenny''': Hey, Homer! How come you've got money to burn? Or singe, anyway? | + | '''[[Lenny]]''': Hey, Homer! How come you've got money to burn? Or singe, anyway? |
'''Carl''': Yeah, Homer, what's your secret investment? | '''Carl''': Yeah, Homer, what's your secret investment? | ||
| Line 29: | Line 26: | ||
'''Homer''': Take a guess. | '''Homer''': Take a guess. | ||
| − | '''Barney''': Uh, pumpkins? | + | '''[[Barney]]''': Uh, pumpkins? |
| − | '''Homer''': [pause] Yeah, that's right, Barney. | + | '''Homer''': ''[pause]'' Yeah, that's right, Barney. This year, I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October and I got a feeling they're going to peak right around January. Then, bang! That's when I'll cash in. |
---- | ---- | ||
'''Broker''': Homer, you knuckle-beak, I told you a hundred times: you've got to sell your pumpkin futures before Hallowe'en! Before! | '''Broker''': Homer, you knuckle-beak, I told you a hundred times: you've got to sell your pumpkin futures before Hallowe'en! Before! | ||
| Line 38: | Line 35: | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Patty & Selma''': Hello, Homer. | + | '''[[Patty]] & Selma''': Hello, Homer. |
| − | '''Homer''': Marge, we had a deal: your sisters don't come here after 6:00 and I stop eating your lipstick. [wipes some off his teeth] | + | '''Homer''': Marge, we had a deal: your sisters don't come here after 6:00 and I stop eating your lipstick. ''[wipes some off his teeth]'' |
| − | '''Marge''': This is a special occasion. Patty and Selma just got promoted at the DMV! | + | '''Marge''': This is a special occasion. Patty and Selma just got promoted at the [[DMV]]! |
'''Selma''': Yeah, Homer: let your wife have a glimpse of success for once. | '''Selma''': Yeah, Homer: let your wife have a glimpse of success for once. | ||
| Line 49: | Line 46: | ||
---- | ---- | ||
'''Marge''': I'm sorry: Homer doesn't mean to be rude, he's just a very complicated man. | '''Marge''': I'm sorry: Homer doesn't mean to be rude, he's just a very complicated man. | ||
| − | + | :''[Homer appears at the bedroom window, breaks a plate over his head.]'' | |
| − | [Homer appears at the bedroom window, breaks a plate over his head] | ||
| − | |||
'''Homer''': Wrong! | '''Homer''': Wrong! | ||
| Line 58: | Line 53: | ||
'''Patty''': Granted, you got some kids out of him, but when the seed have been planted, you throw away the envelope. | '''Patty''': Granted, you got some kids out of him, but when the seed have been planted, you throw away the envelope. | ||
| − | '''Marge''': I wish you wouldn't put Homer down like that. | + | '''Marge''': I wish you wouldn't put Homer down like that. He may not be a big success like you, but I can always count on him to provide for |
the family. | the family. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Marge''': Homer! Homer, wake up! | + | '''Marge''': Homer! Homer, wake up! There's still a few minutes till our usual bedtime. |
| − | '''Homer''': Oh, my invention! | + | '''Homer''': Oh, my invention! All our money problems could have been... |
| − | '''Marge''': Money problems? | + | '''Marge''': Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble? ''[Homer imagines Marge dressed like a queen]'' |
| − | '''Homer''': Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. [Lisa walks up; Homer imagines her differently] And Lisa, my little princess. [Bart walks up] And who could forget dear Ratboy? | + | '''Homer''': Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. ''[Lisa walks up; Homer imagines her differently]'' And Lisa, my little princess. ''[Bart walks up]'' And who could forget dear Ratboy? |
| − | '''Bart''': Ratboy? | + | '''Bart''': Ratboy? I resent that. ''[gnaws on doorframe]'' |
'''Marge''': Bart, I told you before, stop gnawing on the drywall. | '''Marge''': Bart, I told you before, stop gnawing on the drywall. | ||
| Line 75: | Line 70: | ||
'''Bart''': What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them as is my understanding... | '''Bart''': What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them as is my understanding... | ||
| − | '''Milhouse''': It is a gorgeously fabulous day... marvelous, even. | + | '''[[Milhouse]]''': It is a gorgeously fabulous day... marvelous, even. |
'''Bart''': So, uh...what's your hurry to get to school? [slows down] | '''Bart''': So, uh...what's your hurry to get to school? [slows down] | ||
| − | '''Milhouse''': Nothing...what's your hurry? | + | '''Milhouse''': Nothing... what's your hurry? ''[slows down more]'' ''[Bart stops walking]'' That's enough, Bart. Fun is fun, but if we're late we're |
going to get in trouble. | going to get in trouble. | ||
| − | '''Bart''': You're right, Milhouse: fun is fun. | + | '''Bart''': You're right, Milhouse: fun is fun. ''[whistles]'' |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Principal Skinner: [over PA] Attention, students. | + | '''[[Principal Skinner]]''': ''[over PA]'' Attention, students. It's time once again to choose a gym class for the coming term so let's all prove how adult we can be by filing to the gym in a calm and orderly manner... even though it's first come, first serve, and the most popular sports fill up fast. ''[a mass hysteria takes over as everyone rushes to the gym]'' |
| − | '''Groundskeeper Willie''': [getting trampled] Aah! | + | '''[[Groundskeeper Willie]]''': ''[getting trampled]'' Aah! Too many wee ones. |
| − | '''Richard''': This gets uglier every year! | + | '''[[Richard]]''': This gets uglier every year! Any sign of Bart and Milhouse? |
| − | '''Lewis''': No...and if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them. | + | '''[[Lewis]]''': No... and if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them. |
| − | '''Ralph''': [at "tethered swimming"] I don't feel right. | + | '''[[Ralph]]''': ''[at "tethered swimming"]'' I don't feel right. |
---- | ---- | ||
'''Bart''': Oh, no, it's P.E. signup day! | '''Bart''': Oh, no, it's P.E. signup day! | ||
| − | '''Lisa''': How could you forget? | + | '''[[Lisa]]''': How could you forget? They had signs posted all over the library. |
| − | '''Milhouse''': Better sign up for something fast, man. | + | '''Milhouse''': Better sign up for something fast, man. Baseball just filled up... oof! ''[gets kicked]'' |
| − | '''Nelson''': So did Tae Kwon Do. | + | '''[[Nelson]]''': So did Tae Kwon Do. |
---- | ---- | ||
'''Principal Skinner''': Heh heh, there's only one class left, but it happens to be the coolest one of all. | '''Principal Skinner''': Heh heh, there's only one class left, but it happens to be the coolest one of all. | ||
| − | '''Bart''': Ballet? | + | '''Bart''': Ballet? Dancing is for girls. |
'''Principal Skinner''': Well, you should have gotten here earlier. | '''Principal Skinner''': Well, you should have gotten here earlier. | ||
| Line 112: | Line 107: | ||
'''Selma''': We'll take care of you. | '''Selma''': We'll take care of you. | ||
| − | '''Patty''': Yes, care. [they laugh evilly] [Homer starts laughing too; he continues long after they stop] Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here! | + | '''Patty''': Yes, care. ''[they laugh evilly]'' ''[Homer starts laughing too; he continues long after they stop]'' Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here! |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Teacher''': All right, girls, today we learn the dance of the Faerie Queens. | + | '''[[Ballet teacher|Teacher]]''': All right, girls, today we learn the dance of the Faerie Queens. You can either be a faerie, or a queen. It's wide open. |
| − | + | :''[Bart groans.]'' | |
| − | + | '''Teacher''': Ah! And what have we here? A young man maybe who thinks he can be the next Baryshnikov? | |
| − | |||
| − | '''Teacher''': Ah! And what have we here? | ||
| − | '''Bart''': I don't want to be the next anything. | + | '''Bart''': I don't want to be the next anything. I'm only taking this stupid class because they made me. |
| − | '''Teacher''': So, he has fire in the belly! | + | '''Teacher''': So, he has fire in the belly! But it will take more than bellyfire to be the next Baryshnikov |
'''Bart''': Look, Boris, I think ballet's for sissies. | '''Bart''': Look, Boris, I think ballet's for sissies. | ||
| − | ''Teacher''': Ha ha ha! Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined, but for the sissies, never! Now, put on this fuchiatard: you are a faerie. | + | '''Teacher''': Ha ha ha! Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined, but for the sissies, never! Now, put on this fuchiatard: you are a faerie. |
---- | ---- | ||
'''Teacher''': Is something wrong, Mr. Simpson? | '''Teacher''': Is something wrong, Mr. Simpson? | ||
| Line 132: | Line 125: | ||
'''Bart''': I don't like wearing tights, ma'am. | '''Bart''': I don't like wearing tights, ma'am. | ||
| − | '''Teacher''': But so many of your heroes wear tights: Batman, for example, and...Magellan. | + | '''Teacher''': But so many of your heroes wear tights: Batman, for example, and... Magellan. |
| − | '''Bart''': Look, I don't like this cootie platoon and I never well. | + | '''Bart''': Look, I don't like this cootie platoon and I never well. I'm out of here, and I'm out of this stupid outfit. ''[struggles to take it off; struggles turn graceful]'' Wait! Joy of movement increasing. Love of dance impossible to resist. ''[the other girls gasp with delight]'' Toes twinkling... look at me, girls! I'm doing ballet... and I love it! |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Patty''': Hmm...am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here? | + | '''Patty''': Hmm... am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here? |
'''Homer''': Request permission to slink by. | '''Homer''': Request permission to slink by. | ||
| − | '''Patty''': Permission pending. First...light our cigarettes. | + | '''Patty''': Permission pending. First... light our cigarettes. |
| − | '''Homer''': But you're already smoking cig -- [they stub them and take new ones, clearing their throats] You're really pushing it. | + | '''Homer''': But you're already smoking cig -- ''[they stub them and take new ones, clearing their throats]'' You're really pushing it. |
'''Selma''': Come on, Homer: you can't spell "obsequious" without I-O-U. | '''Selma''': Come on, Homer: you can't spell "obsequious" without I-O-U. | ||
| Line 148: | Line 141: | ||
'''Homer''': I'll have to trust you on that. | '''Homer''': I'll have to trust you on that. | ||
| − | '''Patty''': Well, Marge was always a good speller...let's ask her. | + | '''Patty''': Well, Marge was always a good speller... let's ask her. |
| − | '''Homer''': No! Don't tell Marge. | + | '''Homer''': No! Don't tell Marge. I'll be good, I'll be good! ''[lights their cigarettes, then tries to light the IOU]'' |
| − | '''Patty''': Tut tut tut! | + | '''Patty''': Tut tut tut! Just for that, you have to crawl around on the floor like the dog you are. |
| − | '''Homer''': [stammers] Yes, ma'am. | + | '''Homer''': ''[stammers]'' Yes, ma'am. ''[gets on all fours]'' ''[the twins laugh]'' |
| − | Patty: Now say, "I am Homer Simpson, the lowly dog" | + | '''Patty''': Now say, "I am Homer Simpson, the lowly dog" — in a dog's voice. |
| − | Homer: I am Homer Simpson... | + | '''Homer''': I am Homer Simpson... |
| − | Patty: Good, good. | + | '''Patty''': Good, good. Jump, Homer, jump! |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Marge: [walking in] What's going on in here? | + | '''Marge:''' ''[walking in]'' What's going on in here? |
| − | Homer: [in a dog's voice still] Absolutely nothing, Marge! | + | '''Homer:''' ''[in a dog's voice still]'' Absolutely nothing, Marge! |
| − | Marge: What's that paper? | + | '''Marge:''' What's that paper? |
| − | Homer: What paper? | + | '''Homer:''' What paper? ''[reaches for it]'' ''[it floats up and lands on top of the light]'' |
| − | Marge: [gasps] Homer! Is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters? | + | '''Marge:''' ''[gasps]'' Homer! Is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters? |
| − | Homer: I don't know, Marge, I can't be expected to keep track of all my wheelings and dealings. | + | '''Homer:''' I don't know, Marge, I can't be expected to keep track of all my wheelings and dealings. |
| − | Patty: He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns. | + | '''Patty:''' He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns. |
| − | Homer: [gasps] You told! [tosses Patty out] [tosses Marge out accidentally, runs out to get her] Sorry, Marge. [tosses Selma out] I never want to see you again! | + | '''Homer:''' ''[gasps]'' You told! ''[tosses Patty out]'' ''[tosses Marge out accidentally, runs out to get her]'' Sorry, Marge. ''[tosses Selma out]'' I never want to see you again! You either. |
| − | Marge: Homer...Homer, why didn't you tell me? | + | '''Marge:''' Homer... Homer, why didn't you tell me? |
| − | Homer: I was ashamed, Marge. | + | '''Homer:''' I was ashamed, Marge. I've failed you as a husband and a provider... and at best, I was a B+ dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight. ''[goes to the bedroom]'' |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Bart: See that? | + | '''Bart:''' See that? I started to do, like, a little arabesque, but then I just fully went for it and pulled off the demi-entrechat. Not that I'm into that kind of thing... ''[drinks a Tab]'' |
| − | Teacher: Bravissimo, Bart! Next week, class gives its first recital, and you, you will dance the male lead! | + | '''Teacher:''' Bravissimo, Bart! Next week, class gives its first recital, and you, you will dance the male lead! |
| − | Bart: Dance in front of the whole school? | + | '''Bart:''' Dance in front of the whole school? What is it with you and ballet? |
| − | Teacher: I have know you have great conflict, Bart: you love ballet, yet you fear the boys will laugh at you, no? | + | '''Teacher:''' I have know you have great conflict, Bart: you love ballet, yet you fear the boys will laugh at you, no? |
| − | Bart: No, I fear the girls will laugh at me. | + | '''Bart:''' No, I fear the girls will laugh at me. I fear the boys will beat the living snot out of me. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Lisa: Hey, Dad. | + | '''Lisa:''' Hey, Dad. Whatcha doin'? |
| − | Homer: Daddy has very important work to do. | + | '''Homer:''' Daddy has very important work to do. He's looking through the want ads to find a part-time job. |
| − | Lisa: Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival. | + | '''Lisa:''' Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival. |
| − | Homer: Oh. | + | '''Homer:''' Oh. No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Principal Skinner: You're going to have to work hard to win this crowd over. | + | '''Principal Skinner:''' You're going to have to work hard to win this crowd over. Most of them are here as part of detention. |
| − | |||
| − | |||
| − | + | '''Bart:''' Pretty big crowd. | |
| − | + | '''Principal Skinner:''' Mm hmm. We've even bussed in troublemakers from other schools. | |
| + | :''[Bart gulps apprehensively]'' | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Lisa: That spiky-haired masked dancer is really something. | + | '''Lisa:''' That spiky-haired masked dancer is really something. I wonder who he is? |
| − | Jimbo: He's graceful, yet masculine. | + | '''[[Jimbo]]''': He's graceful, yet masculine. So it's OK for me to enjoy this. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Bart: [thinking] They love me; I'm accepted. | + | '''Bart:''' ''[thinking]'' They love me; I'm accepted. I don't need this mask any more. ''[out loud]'' Behold, the masked dancer is me, Bart! ''[removes mask; everyone gasps]'' It is I who have won your acclaim. |
| − | Jimbo: Bart does ballet! | + | '''Jimbo:''' Bart does ballet! |
| − | Kearney: He dances like girls! | + | '''[[Kearney]]''': He dances like girls! |
| − | Nelson: Ha ha! | + | '''Nelson:''' Ha ha! |
| − | Bart: Go ahead and laugh. | + | '''Bart''': Go ahead and laugh. But I took a chance and did something I wanted to do. And if that makes me a sissy, well, then... I guess I'm a sissy. |
| − | Jimbo: [pause] He's a sissy! | + | '''Jimbo:''' [pause] He's a sissy! Let's rush him. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Homer: Stupid driving test at the stupid DMV where stupid Patty and stupid Selma work! | + | '''Homer:''' Stupid driving test at the stupid DMV where stupid Patty and stupid Selma work! Sometimes I think God is teasing me... just like he teased Moses in the desert. |
| − | Marge: Tested, Homer! | + | '''Marge:''' Tested, Homer! God tested Moses. And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time. |
| − | Homer: Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. | + | '''Homer:''' Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes... yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now that's sarcasm. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Patty: Well, well, well: look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's license. | + | '''Patty:''' Well, well, well: look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's license. |
| − | Homer: Look, all I ask is that you be fair. | + | '''Homer:''' Look, all I ask is that you be fair. |
| − | Patty: Oh! Did not adjust side mirror. | + | '''Patty:''' Oh! Did not adjust side mirror. Minus one point. |
| − | Selma: Failed to check blind spot. | + | '''Selma:''' Failed to check blind spot. Minus two points. |
| − | Homer: You won't be happy until my family thinks I'm a loser, will you? | + | '''Homer:''' You won't be happy until my family thinks I'm a loser, will you? |
| − | Patty: You are a loser, Homer...and we're winners. | + | '''Patty:''' You are a loser, Homer... and we're winners. You gotta learn that. |
| − | Selma: Ooh, seat belt twisted. | + | '''Selma:''' Ooh, seat belt twisted. Minus one point. |
| − | Homer: Nagging the driver. | + | '''Homer:''' Nagging the driver. Minus ten points for you! |
| − | Patty: Grazed a cone. | + | '''Patty:''' Grazed a cone. Minus five points! |
| − | Homer: Being a jerk. | + | '''Homer:''' Being a jerk. Minus a million points! |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Super [to Patty & Selma] | + | '''Super:''' ''[to Patty & Selma]'' Ladies, please don't tell me you're smoking in a government building. Because that is precisely the kind of infraction that can cost a couple of sisters their promotion. ''[they gasp, and stammer]'' |
| − | Homer: [chuckles to himself] [sees Marge looking unhappy] [sighs] I'll never forgive myself for this. [grabs both cigarettes, drags] | + | '''Homer:''' ''[chuckles to himself]'' ''[sees Marge looking unhappy]'' ''[sighs]'' I'll never forgive myself for this. ''[grabs both cigarettes, drags]'' |
| − | Super: Wait a minute! | + | '''Super:''' Wait a minute! Those are yours, sir? |
| − | Homer: [monotone] Yes. | + | '''Homer:''' ''[monotone]'' Yes. ''[coughs]'' I am in flavor country. |
| − | Super: [skeptical] Both of them? | + | '''Super:''' ''[skeptical]'' Both of them? |
| − | Homer: [hacks] It's a big country. | + | '''Homer:'' ''[hacks]'' It's a big country. |
| − | Super: Ladies, I apologize. | + | '''Super:''' Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than {{ch|Hitler}}. ''[she slaps him]'' |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Patty: Homer, um...I'm speechless. | + | '''Patty:''' Homer, um... I'm speechless. You just saved our hides. |
| − | |||
| − | |||
| − | + | ''Homer:'' Please, on top of everything else, don't make me picture your hides! | |
| − | + | '''Marge:''' That's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters. | |
| − | + | '''Homer:''' I didn't do it for them... I did it for you, Marge. I'd kill for you. Please ask me to kill for you... | |
| − | + | '''Marge:'' No, Homey. You see? You see, this is the stuff I've been telling you about that you never see! | |
| − | + | '''Patty:''' Homer... we're... sorry. | |
| − | + | '''Selma:''' If there's anything we can do to make it up... | |
| − | + | '''Homer:''' Call off the debt? | |
| − | + | '''Patty:''' Or, say, we could let you pass your driver's test... | |
| − | + | '''Homer:''' Call off the debt? | |
| − | + | '''Patty:''' Uh... well... | |
| + | '''Homer:''' Debt's off! Let's go, Marge. ''[squeals away in his car]'' | ||
{{Season 6|Q}} | {{Season 6|Q}} | ||
Revision as of 05:39, December 23, 2018
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Homer: "What the hell are you doing here?"
Selma: "You came to us in order to be bailed out of your money problems. Now we own you like Siegfried owns Roy."
- After Homer's debt to Patty and Selma has been revealed to Marge, thus revoking the agreement.
Homer: "Time to fertilize the lawn. A couple of 500-pound bags ought to do it!"
- Homer tosses Patty and Selma out on the front lawn of the Simpsons residence.
Lisa: How's Dad today?
Marge: Not too good, Lisa. Frankly, he's under the table.
Carl: Quit drowning in self-pity and come get drunk with us.
Homer: Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks. You know that movie, "Young Frankenstein"? Scared the hell out of me!
Mel Brooks: Umm, thanks.
Lenny: Hey, Homer! How come you've got money to burn? Or singe, anyway?
Carl: Yeah, Homer, what's your secret investment?
Homer: Take a guess.
Barney: Uh, pumpkins?
Homer: [pause] Yeah, that's right, Barney. This year, I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October and I got a feeling they're going to peak right around January. Then, bang! That's when I'll cash in.
Broker: Homer, you knuckle-beak, I told you a hundred times: you've got to sell your pumpkin futures before Hallowe'en! Before!
Homer: All right, let's not panic: I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
Patty & Selma: Hello, Homer.
Homer: Marge, we had a deal: your sisters don't come here after 6:00 and I stop eating your lipstick. [wipes some off his teeth]
Marge: This is a special occasion. Patty and Selma just got promoted at the DMV!
Selma: Yeah, Homer: let your wife have a glimpse of success for once.
Homer: All right, that's the last straw: time to take out the trash! But first, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Marge: I'm sorry: Homer doesn't mean to be rude, he's just a very complicated man.
- [Homer appears at the bedroom window, breaks a plate over his head.]
Homer: Wrong!
Selma: When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?
Patty: Granted, you got some kids out of him, but when the seed have been planted, you throw away the envelope.
Marge: I wish you wouldn't put Homer down like that. He may not be a big success like you, but I can always count on him to provide for the family.
Marge: Homer! Homer, wake up! There's still a few minutes till our usual bedtime.
Homer: Oh, my invention! All our money problems could have been...
Marge: Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble? [Homer imagines Marge dressed like a queen]
Homer: Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. [Lisa walks up; Homer imagines her differently] And Lisa, my little princess. [Bart walks up] And who could forget dear Ratboy?
Bart: Ratboy? I resent that. [gnaws on doorframe]
Marge: Bart, I told you before, stop gnawing on the drywall.
Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them as is my understanding...
Milhouse: It is a gorgeously fabulous day... marvelous, even.
Bart: So, uh...what's your hurry to get to school? [slows down]
Milhouse: Nothing... what's your hurry? [slows down more] [Bart stops walking] That's enough, Bart. Fun is fun, but if we're late we're going to get in trouble.
Bart: You're right, Milhouse: fun is fun. [whistles]
Principal Skinner: [over PA] Attention, students. It's time once again to choose a gym class for the coming term so let's all prove how adult we can be by filing to the gym in a calm and orderly manner... even though it's first come, first serve, and the most popular sports fill up fast. [a mass hysteria takes over as everyone rushes to the gym]
Groundskeeper Willie: [getting trampled] Aah! Too many wee ones.
Richard: This gets uglier every year! Any sign of Bart and Milhouse?
Lewis: No... and if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them.
Ralph: [at "tethered swimming"] I don't feel right.
Bart: Oh, no, it's P.E. signup day!
Lisa: How could you forget? They had signs posted all over the library.
Milhouse: Better sign up for something fast, man. Baseball just filled up... oof! [gets kicked]
Nelson: So did Tae Kwon Do.
Principal Skinner: Heh heh, there's only one class left, but it happens to be the coolest one of all.
Bart: Ballet? Dancing is for girls.
Principal Skinner: Well, you should have gotten here earlier.
Homer: You're my last, last chance: bottom-of-the-barrel, hail-mary, long-shot, wish-you-would-do-it-but-probably-won't final resort to lend me money.
Selma: We'll take care of you.
Patty: Yes, care. [they laugh evilly] [Homer starts laughing too; he continues long after they stop] Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here!
Teacher: All right, girls, today we learn the dance of the Faerie Queens. You can either be a faerie, or a queen. It's wide open.
- [Bart groans.]
Teacher: Ah! And what have we here? A young man maybe who thinks he can be the next Baryshnikov?
Bart: I don't want to be the next anything. I'm only taking this stupid class because they made me.
Teacher: So, he has fire in the belly! But it will take more than bellyfire to be the next Baryshnikov
Bart: Look, Boris, I think ballet's for sissies.
Teacher: Ha ha ha! Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined, but for the sissies, never! Now, put on this fuchiatard: you are a faerie.
Teacher: Is something wrong, Mr. Simpson?
Bart: I don't like wearing tights, ma'am.
Teacher: But so many of your heroes wear tights: Batman, for example, and... Magellan.
Bart: Look, I don't like this cootie platoon and I never well. I'm out of here, and I'm out of this stupid outfit. [struggles to take it off; struggles turn graceful] Wait! Joy of movement increasing. Love of dance impossible to resist. [the other girls gasp with delight] Toes twinkling... look at me, girls! I'm doing ballet... and I love it!
Patty: Hmm... am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?
Homer: Request permission to slink by.
Patty: Permission pending. First... light our cigarettes.
Homer: But you're already smoking cig -- [they stub them and take new ones, clearing their throats] You're really pushing it.
Selma: Come on, Homer: you can't spell "obsequious" without I-O-U.
Homer: I'll have to trust you on that.
Patty: Well, Marge was always a good speller... let's ask her.
Homer: No! Don't tell Marge. I'll be good, I'll be good! [lights their cigarettes, then tries to light the IOU]
Patty: Tut tut tut! Just for that, you have to crawl around on the floor like the dog you are.
Homer: [stammers] Yes, ma'am. [gets on all fours] [the twins laugh]
Patty: Now say, "I am Homer Simpson, the lowly dog" — in a dog's voice.
Homer: I am Homer Simpson...
Patty: Good, good. Jump, Homer, jump!
Marge: [walking in] What's going on in here?
Homer: [in a dog's voice still] Absolutely nothing, Marge!
Marge: What's that paper?
Homer: What paper? [reaches for it] [it floats up and lands on top of the light]
Marge: [gasps] Homer! Is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters?
Homer: I don't know, Marge, I can't be expected to keep track of all my wheelings and dealings.
Patty: He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns.
Homer: [gasps] You told! [tosses Patty out] [tosses Marge out accidentally, runs out to get her] Sorry, Marge. [tosses Selma out] I never want to see you again! You either.
Marge: Homer... Homer, why didn't you tell me?
Homer: I was ashamed, Marge. I've failed you as a husband and a provider... and at best, I was a B+ dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight. [goes to the bedroom]
Bart: See that? I started to do, like, a little arabesque, but then I just fully went for it and pulled off the demi-entrechat. Not that I'm into that kind of thing... [drinks a Tab]
Teacher: Bravissimo, Bart! Next week, class gives its first recital, and you, you will dance the male lead!
Bart: Dance in front of the whole school? What is it with you and ballet?
Teacher: I have know you have great conflict, Bart: you love ballet, yet you fear the boys will laugh at you, no?
Bart: No, I fear the girls will laugh at me. I fear the boys will beat the living snot out of me.
Lisa: Hey, Dad. Whatcha doin'?
Homer: Daddy has very important work to do. He's looking through the want ads to find a part-time job.
Lisa: Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival.
Homer: Oh. No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine.
Principal Skinner: You're going to have to work hard to win this crowd over. Most of them are here as part of detention.
Bart: Pretty big crowd.
Principal Skinner: Mm hmm. We've even bussed in troublemakers from other schools.
- [Bart gulps apprehensively]
Lisa: That spiky-haired masked dancer is really something. I wonder who he is?
Jimbo: He's graceful, yet masculine. So it's OK for me to enjoy this.
Bart: [thinking] They love me; I'm accepted. I don't need this mask any more. [out loud] Behold, the masked dancer is me, Bart! [removes mask; everyone gasps] It is I who have won your acclaim.
Jimbo: Bart does ballet!
Kearney: He dances like girls!
Nelson: Ha ha!
Bart: Go ahead and laugh. But I took a chance and did something I wanted to do. And if that makes me a sissy, well, then... I guess I'm a sissy.
Jimbo: [pause] He's a sissy! Let's rush him.
Homer: Stupid driving test at the stupid DMV where stupid Patty and stupid Selma work! Sometimes I think God is teasing me... just like he teased Moses in the desert.
Marge: Tested, Homer! God tested Moses. And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
Homer: Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes... yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now that's sarcasm.
Patty: Well, well, well: look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's license.
Homer: Look, all I ask is that you be fair.
Patty: Oh! Did not adjust side mirror. Minus one point.
Selma: Failed to check blind spot. Minus two points.
Homer: You won't be happy until my family thinks I'm a loser, will you?
Patty: You are a loser, Homer... and we're winners. You gotta learn that.
Selma: Ooh, seat belt twisted. Minus one point.
Homer: Nagging the driver. Minus ten points for you!
Patty: Grazed a cone. Minus five points!
Homer: Being a jerk. Minus a million points!
Super: [to Patty & Selma] Ladies, please don't tell me you're smoking in a government building. Because that is precisely the kind of infraction that can cost a couple of sisters their promotion. [they gasp, and stammer]
Homer: [chuckles to himself] [sees Marge looking unhappy] [sighs] I'll never forgive myself for this. [grabs both cigarettes, drags]
Super: Wait a minute! Those are yours, sir?
Homer: [monotone] Yes. [coughs] I am in flavor country.
Super: [skeptical] Both of them?
'Homer: [hacks] It's a big country.
Super: Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler. [she slaps him]
Patty: Homer, um... I'm speechless. You just saved our hides.
Homer: Please, on top of everything else, don't make me picture your hides!
Marge: That's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters.
Homer: I didn't do it for them... I did it for you, Marge. I'd kill for you. Please ask me to kill for you...
'Marge: No, Homey. You see? You see, this is the stuff I've been telling you about that you never see!
Patty: Homer... we're... sorry.
Selma: If there's anything we can do to make it up...
Homer: Call off the debt?
Patty: Or, say, we could let you pass your driver's test...
Homer: Call off the debt?
Patty: Uh... well...
Homer: Debt's off! Let's go, Marge. [squeals away in his car]
