Difference between revisions of "Homer vs. Dignity/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 19:28, February 24, 2022

[Bart tells the story of how he got an 'A' on an astronomy quiz.]

Bart: Well, it all started last week in Krabappel's class.

[Flashback to last week. Bart is alone in the classroom, standing next to a couple of animal cages.]

Bart: [voice-over] I was trying to breed the hamster with the lizard to create an unholy super-creature, when I saw an even worse crime against nature.

[Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel burst into the classroom, kissing and locked in a passionate embrace. Bart, unnoticed by the couple, quickly hides in a closet.]

Skinner: Ah, Head Lice Inspection Day. While the kids are out gettin' their nits picked, we can have our own private cootie call.

Mrs. Krabappel: Oh, you talk too much. Let's do it on Martin's desk!

Skinner: It is usually the cleanest.

[They go to the desk. Mrs. Krabappel brushes a pencil off and Skinner sets her down on it.]

Bart: [Watching from inside the closet] Eeeeewwwwwwww!!!! [closes the door and turns his back on it]

Bart: [voice-over] I needed to get my mind on something else—anything else. And for the first time in my life, education was the answer.

[Bart looks at the wall and notices a chart of the Solar System, with illustrations of the planets.]

Bart: [reading chart] Mercury... Venus... Earth... Mars...

Skinner: [offscreen, in the classroom] C'mon, Edna, don't be tardy!

Bart: [now even more focused on the chart] Mercury... Venus... Earth... Mars... Jupiter... Saturn... Uranus... Neptune... Pluto.

[Back to the present.]

Bart: So when I took the test, the answers were stuck in my brain. It was like a whole different kind of cheating!

[When the car runs out of gas driving home from The Singing Sirloin, Marge realizes that the family's finances are in a sorry state.]

Marge: Maybe we should talk to a financial planner.

Homer: [mishearing Marge] Financial panther, eh?

[Homer envisions himself standing in a bank lobby with a snooty banker.]

Banker: [condescendingly] Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.

Homer: [gesturing offscreen] Get 'im, Sheeba! [A panther leaps onscreen and savagely mauls the banker while Homer laughs.]

[Back to reality.]

Homer: I'm on board.

[Attempting to sort out the family finances, Homer and Marge pay a visit to Let's Get Fiscal.

Lindsey Naegle: Well, I see you have several mortgages, credit card debt, no savings, and you're supporting your father?

Homer: Just give the word and I'll cut him off.

Lindsey: I couldn't ask you to do that.

Homer: Consider it done.

[Smithers approaches Mr. Burns with a personal request.]

Smithers: I need some time off. You know, I've been writing a musical about the Malibu Stacy doll -

Burns: [incredulous, cutting Smithers off] A show about a doll? [laughs] Why not write a musical about the common cat? Or the King of Siam? Give it up, Smithers.

[With Smithers away, Mr. Burns wanders around the power plant looking for ways to amuse himself. He spies a vending machine stocked with candy.]

Burns: Ah! A candy shop. [speaking to vending machine] Yes, I'll take two pounds of Bristol's Toffee. Oh, and don't wrap it too tightly; I'm hungry now!

[Nothing happens.]

Burns: [lecturing the machine] You have made a powerful enemy today, my friend.

[Homer asks Mr. Burns for a raise, and Burns puts him to work as his official "prank monkey". They go into action at The Android's Dungeon.]

Comic Book Guy: [eating pink marshmallow Peeps] Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred. [sighs] If only the real chicks went down this easy.

[From outside the store, Burns and Homer watch Comic Book Guy.]

Burns: Look at that comic book fellow, calmly eating candy like a Spaniard. [hands Homer a briefcase] Time for monkey to shine.

Homer: [enters the store] I'd like to buy a mint condition Spider-Man #1, please.

Comic Book Guy: [sarcastically] And I'd like an hour on the holodeck with Seven of Nine.

[Homer sets the briefcase on the counter and opens it, revealing that it's full of money.]

Comic Book Guy: Saturn's rings! Let me get that for you.

[Comic Book Guy pulls a key from under his shirt, enters a combination into a keypad, and inserts the key into a lock. A sealed container with the comic (priced at $20,000) emerges from the counter. Painstakingly, delicately, and almost reverently, Comic Book Guy removes the comic from the container with a pair of tongs. Still grasping the comic with the tongs, he holds it out to Homer.]

Comic Book Guy: Paper bag, or triple Mylar?

Homer: [takes the comic] Ehh, no thanks, I'll just eat it here.

[He tears a page out of the comic and eats it.]

Comic Book Guy: [as Homer continues tearing pages out and eating them] Oh. Oh, no! What are you doing?!

[Comic Book Guy gasps and collapses in dismay, sobbing behind the counter. Homer nonchalantly finishes eating the comic, helps himself to a Peep, and leaves the store.]

[For the next prank, Homer and Mr. Burns are in a men's room stall at Springfield Stadium. Homer is wearing a bathrobe.]

Burns: Okay... Now!

[Holding Homer's bathrobe, Burns shoves him out into the crowded restroom, leaving him sprawled on the floor wearing a giant diaper.]

Homer: Little help? Little help, please. I made a boom-boom!

[Homer's performance evokes groans of disgust from the other men's room patrons: "Aw, gross!" "Get that outta here!" Just then, a woman bursts into the room.]

Mrs. Vanderbilt: The line in the ladies' room was far too long, and so I hope you don't mind if I - [she sees Homer and gasps]

Homer: Baby made a boom-boom!

Mrs. Vanderbilt: Oh, good heavens! [faints]

Burns: [laughing] Here you go, monkey.

[Burns rolls a wad of bills to Homer, and Homer chuckles.]

[At Dr. Hibbert's family practice office, Hibbert gives the kids six years' worth of shots. Homer pays him with a sizeable wad of bills.]

Marge: Homer, where did you get that ball of money?

Homer: I've been doing some outside projects for Mr. Burns.

Marge: Really? Like what?

Homer: Ahhh, you know, business stuff. Um, downsizing, e-solutions, the glass ceiling.

Marge: Hmm. Well, I'm proud of you. [gives Homer a hug] You're such a good provider. [to Bart and Lisa] Kids, come on. Thank your father for the injections.

Bart and Lisa: [grudgingly, rubbing their arms] Thank you, Dad.

[The next prank (at the Panda-Monium! exhibit at the Springfield Zoo) backfires terribly. While disguised as Sim-Sim, the zoo's new female panda, Homer is shocked by electrical prods, assaulted by Ping-Ping (the zoo's male panda), and sprayed by skunks. He loses the head of his costume, which leads to Lisa's discovering his new source of income. Now wearing nothing but a towel and his underwear, Homer sits on a bench while Lisa consoles him.]

Lisa: So this is your mysterious new job for Mr. Burns.

Homer: Yes. I humiliate myself for fistfuls of cash! [starts sobbing]

Lisa: Dad, you have to stop.

Homer: I know.

[Mr. Burns comes along, still laughing.]

Burns: Well done, monkey. That other panda gave some unexpected zazz to the festivities, eh?

Homer: Maybe for you! How come you didn't rescue me?

Burns: [laughs] Too busy trying to keep my sides from splitting! It's happened before. [laughs some more] Monty say, monkey do — what could be better?

Homer: Well, you could treat me with a little respect.

Burns: Oh, shut up, you tub of guts.

Homer: See? That's what I'm saying!

Burns: Well, a little dough-re-mi will smooth this over. [takes some money out of his pocket]

Lisa: [interrupting] He doesn't want your dirty money.

Burns: Oh, come now. Everyone has his price.

Lisa: Not my Dad.

Homer: [shushes her] The grown-ups are talking, honey.

Lisa: Dad! How can you put a price on your dignity?

Homer: She's right. Yes, I may be naked and reeking of panda love, but I've got to stop this before it goes too far.

Burns: Take that back, for [counts money] $903.

Homer: I retract my statement. [Burns shoves the money into his mouth.]

Lisa: [protesting] Dad!

Homer: I mean, screw you!

Burns: Well, well. It looks like my monkey has evolved into a man—a poor man. [walks away]

Homer: Whaa? Oh, why did he have to say that extra thing?

[After Homer and Lisa talk some more, Homer decides to donate his "prank monkey" money to needy children.]

Homer: [resolved] It's time to rebuild my self-esteem!

[He casts the towel aside and stands up. As he does so, his underwear catches on the bench and tears off, leaving him standing there naked. Mrs. Vanderbilt happens by and gets a full view of him.]

Mrs. Vanderbilt: Oh, Good Lord, what a week! [faints]

[His decision made, Homer takes a basket full of money to Costington's.]

Homer: [to clerk at counter] Excuse me, sir.

Clerk: Yee-e-e-es?

Homer: I'd like to buy all these toys [gestures expansively at the entire area of the store] for some needy children. Is this enough dirty-dirty money?

[The clerk puts on a rubber glove and feels around in the basket.]

Clerk: Why, it most certainly is! [He picks up a phone and dials.]

Clerk: [on phone] Mr. Costington? Something quite wonderful has happened! Ah-noo-o-o. Ah-noo-o-o. Ah-yee-e-e-esss!

[After making the donation, Homer is invited to meet Mr. Costington.]

Costington: Why, I don't think I've ever seen such generosity. You're a modern-day Kris Kringle, sir.

Homer: I'm just trying to dig myself out of a pit of shame.

Costington: Say no more. I've had a bit of a shoe-sniffing problem myself. [hesitantly] I'm still not allowed on the third floor.

Homer: That's okay. [they hug]

[Mr. Costington asks Homer to play the role of Santa Claus in the Costington's Thanksgiving Day parade, riding a float and throwing presents to the crowd. Homer accepts and enjoys the role, but Mr. Burns offers Homer a million dollars for one last prank: to throw fish guts instead of presents. Moments later, Lisa, watching the parade, sees Santa throwing fish guts at the crowd as seagulls attack them.]

Lisa: [disappointed] Oh, Dad. You sold your soul.

Homer: [appearing from out of the crowd] Not yet, honey.

Lisa: Dad! But if you're here, who's that on the float?

[Cut to a closer view of the float. It's actually Mr. Burns in the Santa costume.]

Burns: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Fish-mas! [throws more fish guts]

Marge: What's going on?

Homer: Let's just say Lisa gave me an early Christmas present: The gift of dignity.