Difference between revisions of "The PTA Disbands/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 12:37, September 27, 2022

Milhouse: This bus has seen better days.

Bart: Well, at least it's safer than the old bus.

[Shot of old bus, propped up on blocks. A leaf from a tree falls on it; it explodes.]

Milhouse: Uh oh, time to move: the hole's getting bigger.

[They climb onto the seat in front as their seat falls through.]

Edna Krabappel: Seymour, the children are playing in the hole again. Shouldn't you get that fixed?

Principal Skinner: Edna, you know they just cut the school's budget. If I had the money I'd fix the exhaust leak in the back. Actually, I think it's causing some of our low test scores.

[Shot of the children in the back surrounded by smoke and drooling, except for Ralph Wiggum, who looks normal.]

Female Tour Guide: This civil war cannon had been fully restored and is in ready-to-fire condition, but it's a good thing we're not firing it, because it happens to be aimed at the main support leg of that lookout tower. People don't realize that these cannons are very sensitive, and the slightest jolt could set them off.

[The bus from Springfield Elementary arrives and skids into the cannon, knocking one of its wheels off.]

Female Tour Guide: Of course for safety reasons, we don't keep the cannon loaded. It's just common sense.

[The School Bus needs to be filled with gas.]

Skinner: Otto, we need you to fill up the bus. Here's the "credit card". [presents him with a hose]

Otto: Ohh.

Skinner: And a mint for afterwards.

Skinner: Five dollars a child?! Last year it was free!

Ticket lady: Hmph. New ownership. [left sign reads: "Diz-Nee HISTORICAL PARK – SORRY, BUT THERE'S PROFIT TO BE HAD."]

Principal Skinner: Beh – but we don't have that kind of money! In fact, no school could afford the –

[A double decker bus with "Shelbyville Elementary" arrives. Shelbyville's Principal Valiant departs bus.]

Principal Valiant: Here is the admission, plus, er, something for you. See that they get a little extra education, would you?

Ticket agent: [bright] Yes sir, Principal Valiant!

Principal Skinner: He thinks he's so hot ever since he swept the Princi Awards. Those things are rigged.

[Reenactment of the war.]

Guide: On May 21, 1864, the men of the Ninth Bearded Infantry were sunning and fluffing their beards in the sun. Suddenly, enemy troops crested that hill over there.

Man 1: Fort Springfield, we surrender unconditionally!

Man 2: We're sick. We need leeches and hacksaws to saw off our gangrenous limbs!

Guide: But the Springfield Brigade was too brave to accept the surrender.

Man 3: Come on, boys! Those white flags are no match for our muskets. [they charge]

Guide: And the Springfielders heroically slaughtered their enemies as they prayed for mercy.

[The Shelbyville children watch the mayhem and cheer.]

[The Springfield Elementary children are behind a fence far away from the battle scene.]

Bart: It's hard to see what's going on; I can only make out the fat soldiers.

Skinner: All right, children, switch.

[One of the soldiers spots the children.]

Man 4: Hey, they're trying to learn for free!

Guide: [sees them] Get 'em!

Man 3: Use your phony guns as clubs!

Skinner: Run, children! [they take off, followed by the soldiers] Start the bus, Otto, start the bus!

[Otto, siphoning, swallows some gasoline by accident and coughs.]

Otto: Damn! I shouldn't have eaten the mint first. [starts the bus] Okay, hop on! [the children, for the most part, do so]

Üter: Wait, wait! [he stumbles; the soldiers catch up and surround him]

Krabappel: Well, Seymour, because of your penny-pinching, we're coming back from a field trip with the fewest children yet.

Skinner: God bless the man who invented permission slips. [smooches slips]

[In the school cafeteria.]

Krabappel: I don't care what you say, I can taste the newspaper.

Skinner: Posh! Shredded newspapers add much-needed roughage and essential inks. Besides, you didn't notice the old gym mats.

Lunchlady Doris: [through a grinder] There's very little meat in these gym mats.

Krabappel: Our demands are very reasonable. By ignoring them, you're selling out these children's future!

Skinner: Oh, Edna. We all know that these children HAVE no future.

[Everyone stops and stares at Skinner.]

Skinner: Prove me wrong, children. Prove me wrong.

Lisa: I've never seen them fight like that, Bart. I'm worried that all this posturing and saber-rattling could lead to a teachers' strike.

Bart: [scheming] Strike, eh? [cracks his knuckles; they snap painfully] Ouch! My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of... [picks up milk carton, reads it] "Malk"?

Krabappel: How do you expect us to teach with these supplies? Well, this pointer's so old, it's worn down to a nub.

Skinner: [takes it] It still points, doesn't it?

Krabappel: Stop that! And look at this: the only books we have are ones that were banned by other schools.

Skinner: Well, the kids have to learn about "Tek War" sooner or later. [walks off]

Krabappel: Go away, Bart, this is not a good time.

Bart: I saw you two fighting...I'm worried there could be a strike and the school would shut down.

Krabappel: [scoffs] I'm sure you'd really hate that. There's not going to be a strike, Bart.

Bart: Yeah...Skinner says you wouldn't have the won tons to go through with it.

Krabappel: Skinner said that?

Bart: Bart: Well, I had to clean it up a little.

[In Skinner's office.]

Bart: Basically, Krabappel said you'd give the teachers everything they want.

Skinner: She did?

Bart: Bart: Yeah. She said you'd fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Skinner: We'll see about that. Simpson, I always thought you were... sneaky and manipulative. Now, I see you're really a very sensitive little boy.

Bart: Bart: Thank you, sir.

Skinner: Aww...

Lisa: Relax? I can't relax. Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God! I'm losing my perspicacity. Aaaaah!

Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look.

Bart: You, with the crane! Spin around real fast!

[Crane operator shrugs, then does so. Its girder drops and a man screams terrifyingly.]

Bart: Now you! Dump three tons of sand onto that Porta-Potty.

[A man enters the Porta-Potty as it gets covered. A construction foreman snatches the megaphone from Bart and runs off.]

Foreman: [in Bart's voice] Hey! Can't you tell my voice from a ten-year-old kid's? Ugh! Ay carumba!

Lisa: I'll never get into the ivy league now. At this rate, I probably won't even get into Vassar.

Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady!

Bart: Milhouse, I found a hive of killer bees; you wanna go throw rocks at it?

Milhouse: Sorry, Bart, I'm deeply immersed in the Teapot Dome scandal.

Bart: Huh?

Milhouse: However, it might be feasible in a fortnight.

Bart: Wha?

Milhouse: I can play in two weeks.

Bart: Juh?

Dolph: All this free time – I never thought I'd get sick of Razor Fight II: The Slashening.

Kearney: I probably should stop. My doctor says I have the wrists of an 80-year-old.

Bart: Krabappel said you would give the teachers anything they wanted.

Skinner: She did?

Bart: Yeah. She said you would fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Bart: Now for Operation Strike-Make-Go-Longer. Y'know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute.

[The teachers spread the message to one another.]

Teacher with glasses: Skinner says the teachers will crack any minute, purple monkey dishwasher.

Edna: Well, we'll show him! Especially for that purple monkey, dishwasher remark.

Homer: Lousy teachers, trying to palm off our kids on us!

Lisa: But, Dad, by striking, they're trying to effect the change in management so that they could be more happier and more productive.

Homer: Lisa! If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in everyday and do it really half-assed. That's the American way!

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.

Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.

Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome. [looks out window]

Bart: [creepily] Hello, mother dear.

Marge: That's it, we have to get them back to school.

Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here!

Lisa: [enters, mirthful] Ah-ha-ha...

Homer: In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Ned Flanders: Well, I guess this is a case where we'll have to agree to disagree.

Skinner: I don't agree to that.

Krabappel: Neither do I.

PTA member: Oh my God – the PTA has disbanded! A-ah-ah-AH! [jumps out a window]

Ned Flanders: No, no! The PTA has not disbanded.

PTA member: [jumps inside in reverse] Whhahh! [calmly sits down]

Jasper: Talkin' out of turn, that's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window, that's a paddlin'. Starin' at my sandals, that's a paddlin'. Paddlin' the school canoe, oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'.

Bart: Uh, I think I got your lunch.

[He hands Lisa a note from his lunch bag: "I Am Very Proud Of You. Love, Mom."]

Lisa: Oh yeah, I didn't think this was for me.

[She hands Bart a note from her lunch bag: "Be Good. For The Love Of God, Please Be Good."]

Abe: Oh! Oh, um, okay, um, hmm... um, here.

[He turns the sharpener, but Jasper gets pulled further.]

Abe: D'oh! Okay, uh, okay, let's see, um... what if I did this?

[He turns the sharpener, but Jasper gets even pulled further.]

Abe: Um... you're on your own.

[Abe leaves.]

Bart: That's it – I can't take this any more, Milhouse, I've got to get the real teachers back.

Milhouse: Bart, you'll never get Krabappel and Skinner together again. They're like two positively charged ions.

Bart: Zuh?