Difference between revisions of "Bart on the Road/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 06:49, August 8, 2024

Homer: What's wrong, honey?

Lisa: There's something troubling me, dad, but I don't think I can tell you because it's a secret.

Homer: Ah, you don't have to tell me, but I thought we trusted each other with our secrets now. I mean, I haven't told a soul about your boyfriend.

Lisa: Langdon Alger? Oh, I don't like him anymore. Okay, but you gotta promise you won't get mad or tell anyone, especially Bart.

Homer: I promise.

Lisa: Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson to a week out in Knoxville and their car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong!

Homer: [face reddens, then returns to normal] Yes, that's a real pickle. Could you excuse me for a moment? [puts on the radiation suit hood, which muffles his voice; yells his head off as the faceplate fogs up] All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.

Lisa: No, no! Then he'll know I told.

Nelson: What is this place?

Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.

Bart: Gentlemen, for our road trip I have taken the liberty of preparing an airtight and utterly plausible alibi for use on our parents.

[Milhouse at home.]

Milhouse: I have been selected to represent the school at the national grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.

[Martin at home.]

Martin: I've been selected to represent the school at the national grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.

[Nelson at home.]

Nelson: [leaving his house] I'm goin' away for a week. See ya!

Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait I wish I was going. Is that right, Bart?

Bart: I dunno.

Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?

Bart: Maybe because you are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."

Lisa: That's not Latin. Mom, Bart's faking it.

Marge: Lisa, you've had your glory. Now it's Bart's turn.

Homer: Your turn.

Lisa: Hmm, truth.

Homer: Uh, do you have a crush on anyone?

Lisa: Dad!

Homer: Oh, I won't tell anybody.

Lisa: Dad, you tell everybody everything. Even Moe knew when I threw up on the dentist.

[Nelson grabs Milhouse's glasses.]

Milhouse: Hey! I need those to see.

Pawnbroker: Ah, these lenses are perfect! Now I can re-bottom those antique Coke bottles. [he begins counting money] Three hundred, four hundred, five hundred, six hundred...

Milhouse: Hey! Come back! hey!

[Crashes into the pyramid of Coke bottles.]

Pawnbroker: ...five hundred, four hundred, three hundred, two hundred, one hundred, zero.

Bart: [reading from a handout] Go To Work With Your Parents Day?

Principal Skinner: [over the P.A.] Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day. Tomorrow you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real-world situations.

Lisa: I still don't understand why you get to stay home and watch Mom work.

Bart: Because I've always been an advocate of women in the workplace, Lis. I can't help it if my mom's workplace contains our TV.

Lisa: Okay, time for truth or dare. You go first.

Homer: Ehh, truth. Ask me anything.

Lisa: Who do you love most: me, Bart, or Maggie?

Homer: D'oh! All right, dare.

Bart: Mom, you're blocking the TV. If you need something to do, you can fill out my form—here. [hands Marge the form]

Marge: [reading] Parent's occupation... please note, homemaker is not allowed, as it is not real work, that's why you don't get paid for it... ohhh.

Patty: Some days, we don't let the line move at all.

Selma: We call those weekdays. [both of them laugh]

Patty: Good one.

Nelson: [after seeing the movie, "Naked Lunch"] I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

Milhouse: [yells] Spring breeeak! Yeah [pause, then quiet] Well, when are we going to get rowdy?

Bart: Maybe when we find something decent to do with this ID.

Nelson: We could go rent a carpet shampooer.

Martin: [to his flipping dog] Oh boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. [Nelson grabs Martin and tosses Flipsy out the window; Flipsy gets run over by a car]

Nelson: HA-ha!

Milhouse: Bart! Nelson hit me!

Bart: He sure did.

Homer: Hi, Lisa, how's your spring break going?

Lisa: I'm learning about owls.

Homer: Oh, owls, eh? So you probably wouldn't want to spend another day at work with me.

Lisa: Sure I would. I can always learn about owls this summer at bird camp.

Martin: [wakes up and looks out the window] Oh! We've arrived in the vast cornfields of Canada. How much further to the grammar rodeo?

Nelson: Grammar rodeo? We're going to a grammar rodeo?

Bart: We're not going to a grammar rodeo. That was just an alibi, Milton.

Milhouse: [whispers] Martin.

Bart: Martin.

Homer: Oh! This is a map of nuclear sites around the country. As a safety inspector, I'm responsible for changing most of these light bulbs.

Lisa: Why are there so many burnt-out ones?

Homer: 'Cause they won't hire me an assistant.

Marge: Lisa, you'll have a fine time at the plant with dad. You've been interested in nuclear power for years.

Lisa: I signed numerous petitions to shut down that plant.

Marge: Well, there you go.

Nelson: [sees a sign about an Andy Williams concert] Andy Williams!

Bart: Aw, we don't need to stop here.

Nelson: Yes, we do. [punches Bart in the back of the head]

Homer: [on the phone] Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura.

Moe: Ura Snotball?

Homer: What? How dare you? If I find out who this is, I'll staple an American flag to your butt and mail you to Iran. [hangs up]

Bart: We got no car!

Martin: We got no money!

Milhouse: And no one knows we're here!

Bart, Martin, & Milhouse: We're stranded!

Nelson: But on the plus side, I knocked over the Sunsphere. [camera cuts back to wider angle] Ha-ha.

Lisa: [on the phone with Bart] You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. [hold the phone away from her ear as Bart yells at her] Well, how badly do you wanna get home? Alright, alright, what about a courier, they travel for free too... [Bart is talking] No, that's a terrier, they're dogs.

Marge: [answers phone] Hello? Oh hello, Principal Skinner... No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. Good night [hangs up]... [the phone rings again and Marge answers] Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car was not crushed in Knoxville. I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that! [hangs up]... [the phone rings again and Marge answers] Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam. [hangs up]... [While this is going on Homer, has slowly dived under the covers in the bed... he snorts] Homer, are you laughing at me?