Difference between revisions of "Selma's Choice/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 07:10, February 26, 2022

Troy McClure: Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore!

Homer: Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?

Bart and Lisa: We're under six.

Homer: And I'm a college student!

Marge: Kids, I have some bad news. I'm afraid your great-aunt Gladys has... passed on.

Bart: Gladys, Gladys... big puffy hair, about yea high, big dent in forehead?

Marge: No... Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.

Bart: [thinks for a moment; then shudders] Oh yeah, there she is.

Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another day.

Lisa: I understand.

Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.

Homer: [whining] But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!

Marge: Homer, quit pouting.

Homer: I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.

Bart & Homer: On top of Spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball...

Marge: If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral!

Homer: Ding-dong the witch is dead..

Bart: Which old witch?

Homer: The wicked witch!

Marge: Homer!

Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.

Selma: Her legend will live forever.

Homer's Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.

Homer: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!

Marge: HOMER!

Homer: Wha--? D'oh!

Homer: Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. [hugs them]

Selma: He's hugging us. What do we do?

Patty: Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.

Selma: Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.

[At Aunt Gladys' funeral, Lisa goes up to the casket.]

Lisa: Goodbye Great Aunt Gladys. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better.

Bart: [in a raspy voice from behind the casket] Don't worry about it.

[Lisa runs away screaming; Bart laughs.]

Lionel Hutz: Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Gladys Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?

Aunt Gladys: I would like to begin by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and... [Homer fast-forwards the tape]

Marge: Homer!

Homer: All in favor of skipping the poem? [everyone but Marge raises their hands] Thank you. [continues fast-forwarding]

Aunt Gladys: Now let's get down to business. [Voice changes to Lionel Hutz] To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.

Marge: MR. HUTZ!

Lionel Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would!

Aunt Gladys: To Marge, I leave my potato chips that resemble celebrities. They're all here: Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right down to Jay Leno. These chips were my children. Marjorie, take special care of them.

Homer: [eats the chips, and looks at them] Uh oh. [continues to eat them]

Aunt Gladys: To my sister Jackie, I leave my pet Iguana, Jub-Jub.

Mrs. Bouvier: Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?

Selma: Aunt Gladys was right. There's something missing in our lives.

Patty: Don't worry. We'll get that barking dog record tomorrow.

[after a poor date with Hans Moleman]

Selma: Get out of my car. [drives off]

Hans Moleman: This isn't my house.

Marge: Selma! You're back from your date already?

Selma: Yeah. I was so upset I ate a jar of expired olives. [sighs] I guess I'll never have a baby.

Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may seem a little presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?

Homer: [laughs] I don't know. You gotta be pretty lame to make it with a robot. [Marge whispers in his ear] I knew that.

Marge: "101 Frozen Pops." [turns the page] A Nobel Prize Winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh, one of the Sweathogs.

Selma: I checked. It's not Horshack.

Bart: [after seeing Homer extremely sick in bed] Oh, man, Dad's dead.

Marge: [to Selma] I want to thank you for taking care of the kids on such short notice.

Selma: We'll have fun, won't we kids?

Bart: To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself.

Selma: That's the spirit.

Lisa: [reading from the pamphlet] The Duff Beer-amid contains so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it. 22 immigrant laborers died during its construction.

Selma: Eh, there's plenty more where that came from.

Abe Lincoln Robot: Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed refreshing drink from hops and barley. [drinks his Duff and starts beatboxing] We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to say,if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I said the only way! Break down! [crushes a beer can on his head]

Lisa: This is a disgrace.

Selma: Settle down. Anything this bad has to be educational. Bart!

Bart: Let's see if they wore underwear back then. Ahh! [robot Washington glances evilly behind Bart, his pupils become crimson]

Bart: [reading] "Beer Goggles: See life through the eyes of a drunk." [puts them on; Selma becomes a foxy lady] Wow!

Selma: You're charming the pants off of me.

Bart: [removes his glasses] What did you say, Aunt Selma?

Selma: I said take off those damn glasses!

Marge: [to Homer] You know, I rented another movie, in case you felt better. [hands it to him]

Homer: "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules".

Marge: With Norman Fell as Zeus.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Lisa: They're all around me... no way out... Hahaha-hahi – No way out, I tell you!

Selma: What's wrong? Er, you just put your head right here... Grrrrrrrrrrr—

Lisa: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!! Ha-ha! Ha-hih!

Selma: Can't ya do something?!

Surly: Hey, Surly only looks out for one guy – Surly!

Selma: Hm, sorry, Surly.

Surly: Shut up.

Selma: Don't blame these kids, it's not their fault. I think their father's missing a chromosome.

Officer: [with Lisa, who is covered with a towel and acting jittery] We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.

Lisa: [raises her arms] I am the Lizard Queen!

Homer: Come to Homercles!

Marge: [laughs] I can't, the beans'll burn.

Homer: Homercles cares not for beans! [lifts up Marge on her shoulder]

Homer: Hi, kids, how was Duff Gardens?

Lisa: Can't talk, coming down. [takes some pills]

Selma: Oh, Jub-Jub.

Patty: When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.