Free Range/Quotes

Quotes

[In the living room of Jimbo's house, Jimbo and Dolph play a shoot-'em-up video game, and get blown up when Jimbo can't figure out how to throw a grenade.]

Jimbo: [scoffing] This game'd be cool if they didn't make the controls so weak!

Dolph: Maybe you should file a complaint with the American Noob Society.

Jimbo: Maybe I should file you!

[Jimbo's mother calls out to the boys from the kitchen.]

Jimbo's mother: Jimbo, do you and your friend like wieners?

[Dolph snickers.]

Jimbo: Yeah, Mom. And if you wanna call 'em hot dogs next time, that's cool, too.

Jimbo's mother: Oh, the co-op keeps sending me too many eggs. We'll never eat all these eggs. Can you ask Dolph if his mom can use a huge amount of eggs?

[A crafty look appears on Jimbo's face.]

Jimbo: Hmmm, yeah, he—[quickly corrects himself]—I mean, she can definitely use eggs.

[Weeks later, Principal Skinner talks to Apu at the Kwik-E-Mart.]

Skinner: [exiting the men's room] I don't like it, Apu.

Apu: Be that as it may, our restrooms are fully cleaned twice a week.

Skinner: No, no, I mean this article about the decrease in vandalism. It feels like the calm before the proverbial storm.

Apu: Perhaps our brand new Mocha Squishee Latte could brighten your mood.

Skinner: I'm afraid not, my friend. I must stay vigilant and deny myself the creature comforts of a false sense of security. I'll ... uh ... stick with my usual Squishee-ccino if you don't mind.

Apu: It would be my pleasure.

[Meanwhile, outside the Kwik-E-Mart, Bart is about to play a prank: placing a banana peel where someone will slip on it.]

Principal Skinner: [exiting the store and confronting Bart] Bart Simpson! You aren't up to any mischief with that banana peel, are you?

Bart: No, sir, sir! [thinking quickly] Uh ... this is where the trash can used to be ... guess they moved it.

Skinner: See that you find the appropriate receptacle, young man!

[Jimbo calls out to Bart from the roof of the store.]

Jimbo: Hey! I need some ideas. If you help me out, I'll tell you the top secret bullies' method of climbing up on this roof.

Bart: [instantly appearing on the roof] You mean like this?

[Now that they're both on the Kwik-E-Mart roof, Jimbo and Bart talk.]

Bart: Whatcha doing up here, man?

Jimbo: Eh, I come up here when I need to think.

Bart: How often is that?

Jimbo: Look ... Me, Dolph and Kearney are sitting on this mother lode of eggs. And we've got ... What's the delinquent's equivalent of writer's block?

Bart: Delinquentitis?

Jimbo: Yeah! And it's tearing us apart. We couldn't agree on one plan, so we had a big falling out. Nobody's vandalized school property in weeks.

Bart: [pleased and surprised] So you want my help? [thinks quickly] Well, with that many eggs you just gotta think extra large. So ... Step One: Hijack the Duff Blimp. Step Two: Egg all of Springfield. Voila!

Jimbo: [scoffs] That was, like, the first thing we thought of. I'll write that down just so I can laugh at it later. Guess ya can't trust a little kid to come up with quality deviltry.

Bart: [crestfallen] Aww ...

[Two days later, Martin is walking down the street eating a popsicle.]

Martin: It's so refreshing to walk down the steet without being harangued or bullied. The sun is out, birds are chirping ... [puzzled] ... The Duff Beer Blimp is hovering above me ... ?

[Three eggs come down from the blimp and hit Martin. Aboard the blimp are Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney.]

Jimbo: [using a megaphone] Hey, kid! You just got egged!

Martin: [angry] I know!!

[After egging Gil, the bullies revel in the good time they're having.]

Dolph: This is really special, you guys.

Jimbo: Yeah, I'd say this might actually be the sweetest gondola I've ever ridden in.

[Mothers Against Any And All Antisocial Delinquency (M.A.A.A.A.A.D.) is holding an awards ceremony outdoors, with Helen Lovejoy presiding.]

Helen: So today, Mothers Against Any And All Antisocial Delinquency would like to acknowledge the following person for his efforts to curb vandalism ... Clancy Wiggum!

Chief Wiggum: Omigosh, I won! Lou, I won!

Lou: Nice work, Chief.

Helen: Here's the award. It's a gold-plated bar chart showing the decrease in vandalism over the last month.

Wiggum: [taking the award from Helen] Well, first of all, I'd like to thank --

[Wiggum's acceptance speech is interrupted by a single egg coming down from the sky, scoring a direct hit on the award.]

Agnes Skinner: [pointing skyward] Vandalism!

Wiggum: Wait ... [wiping the egg off of the award with his sleeve] Nope! The award clearly shows that vandalism is still down!

[Aboard the blimp, the bullies realize who they've just egged.]

Kearney: Cheezit, the cops! Hard starboard!

Jimbo: [at controls] Speak English!

Dolph: Turn right, Einstein!

Jimbo: [grumbling] Why'd they make these controls so weak?

[In Bart's neighborhood, Bart and Milhouse are playing with action figures as the blimp flies overhead.]

Jimbo: Hey, Simpson! Nice dolls!

[Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney each throw an egg. All three eggs hit Bart.]

Milhouse: [indignantly, yelling back at the bullies] They're called action figures! [to Bart] Wow! What are the odds of that happening? [notices Bart is grinning from ear to ear] Hey, what are you smiling about?

Bart: [in awe] They used my idea!