Difference between revisions of "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer/Quotes"

Revision as of 17:41, May 11, 2015

[In the Simpson house, Marge has been acting strangely all morning: Cutting things out of the newspaper, running the vacuum cleaner during Homer's phone conversation with Lenny (which keeps him from hearing about something big and annual), and now smoking a cigarette. Homer is suspicious when she doesn't want him to open the front door to let fresh air into the house.]

Homer: "What's wrong with you? What are you trying to hide from me? [opens the front door and sniffs] What's that smell? Onions ... chili powder ... cumin ... juicy ground chuck? Oh, my God, I'm missing the Chili Cook-Off! [whining and fidgeting] I'm missing the Cook-Off, it's going on right now, and I'm missing it!"

Marge: "All right! I was trying to keep it from you! But I had a good reason. Every time you go to that Cook-Off you get as drunk as a poet on payday!"

[Flashback to last year's Chili Cook-Off. People are shocked as a naked Homer is cavorting in the cotton candy machine.]

Homer: [drunk, slurred speech] "Look at me! I'm a puffy pink cloud!"

[Return to present.]

Homer: "Well, of course everything looks bad when you remember it!"

[Homer interrupts Marge while she's looking at Lenny's crafts booth.]

Homer: "Maaaaaarrge! We're missing the chili! Less artsy, more fartsy!"

Marge: "Homer, I happen to like handicrafts much more than stuffing my face."

Homer: "Fine, I'll come find you when I'm ready to stop having fun."

[While Homer goes to the chili, Marge takes in the square dancing. Smithers approaches her.]

Smithers: "Evenin', little lady. Ya reckon a square could get a dance?"

Marge: "It looks so complicated. Do you know how?"

Smithers: "Ma'am, I wouldn't honk the honk if I couldn't tonk the tonk."

Chief Wiggum: "That Homer Simpson! He thinks he is the Pope of Chilitown!"

[Homer's first taste of Chief Wiggum's chili burns his mouth due to Wiggum's including a bunch of Guatemalan Insanity Peppers in his recipe. Homer returns with his mouth protected by candle wax, then casually gulps down several of the peppers while a shocked crowd watches.]

Mayor Quimby: "Good Lord, this can't be happening!"

Dr. Hibbert: "By all medical logic, steam should be shooting out of his ears."

Krusty: "His ears if we're lucky!"

Homer: [hallucinating due to the peppers] "I hope I didn't brain my damage."

Coyote: "There is a lesson you must learn."

Homer: "If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of you."

[The next morning, Homer wakes up on a golf course and attempts to rationalize his chili hallucination.]

Homer: "Huh? Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap. Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop. [The pro shop is shaped like a giant pyramid.] And that talking coyote was really just a talking dog."

Dog: "Hi, Homer. Find your soulmate!"

Homer: "Hey, wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talking dog."

Dog: [barks]

Homer: "Damn straight!"

[In search for his soul mate, Homer calls a Personals ad.]

Homer: "Hello? Is this ..uh... G B M? Uh, yeah. I read in the personals you were seeking a soulmate. Well, I also like rainy days and movies. Uh-huh ... [apprehensively] uh, no, I don't like that ... or that ... No, it's not that I'm afraid. [now speaking very quickly] I'm gonna hang up now, bye-bye!"

[In the lighthouse, Marge catches up to Homer and they patch up their differences.]

Homer: "Wow, Marge, you really do understand me. See, I thought we weren't soulmates because ..."

Marge: [completing Homer's sentence] "We had a fight?"

Homer: "Right, and we don't like the same things. It's like you're from Venus ..."

Marge: "And you're from Mars."

Homer: "Oh, sure, give me the one with all the monsters."

Homer: "Hey Barney, soulmate! Let me buy you a beer."

Barney: "Okay, but I'm not your soulmate. I'm really more of a chum."

Homer: "What about you, Lenny?"

Lenny: "I'm a crony."

Homer: "Carl?"

Carl: "I'd say acquaintance."

Larry: "Colleague."

Sam: "Sympathizer."

Bumblebee Man: "Compadre."

Kearney: "Associate."

Dr. Hibbert: "Contemporary."

Moe: "I'm a well-wisher, in that I don't wish you any specific harm."

[Homer is in the lighthouse, and his silhouette is being projected into the sky by the lighthouse's lamp.]

Bart: [looking out a window and seeing the silhouette] "Hey, look! Is that Dad?"

Lisa: "Either that, or Batman's really let himself go!"