Difference between revisions of "In Marge We Trust/Quotes"

Revision as of 07:24, December 30, 2018

Reverend Lovejoy: [putting letters on the church bulletin board. He talks to Marge] Can you believe this? They give you five Q's and only two U's. What a world!

Agnes: Seymour, I'm tired. Tell them we're going next.

Skinner: Well, I'm not principal of the line, Mother.

Agnes: And you never will be!

Reverend Lovejoy: The Lord will hear your lamentations and bring solace to your ills.

Moe: The Lord or Marge Simpson!

Lenny: Amen to that!

Reverend Lovejoy: Um, could we please NOT yell out things in the church.

Akira: [reading the Mr. Sparkle box] He identifies himself as "a magnet for foodstuffs." He boasts that he will "banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts."

[Homer falls asleep during Lovejoy's sermon and smacks his head.]

Homer: DAMN IT!

Reverend Lovejoy: Well, I seem to have lost my place... so I'll start over.

Moe: Aw, for the love of crumb cake!

Reverend Lovejoy: Our sermon today is on constancy.

[Ned Flanders calls Reverend Lovejoy with an "emergency".]

Ned: I think I swallowed a toothpick!

Kearney: I'm sleepy. Let's go to school.

Marge: You've got to get him out of there.

Zookeeper: Jeez, I'd like to, but if they don't kill the intruder, it's really bad for their society.

Bart: They're going to kill him?

Zookeeper: Eventually. First, they'll eat his skin.

Marge: Oh, my goodness! Kids! Homer! We're late for church. [pulls off the blanket, revealing her church clothes] I'm glad I dressed last night.

Homer: Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.

Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.

Homer: Well, in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God.

Reverend Lovejoy: Lovejoy here.

Principal Skinner: [on phone] Reverend, this is Principal Skinner. I'm facing a crisis, and I didn't know to whom to turn.

Reverend Lovejoy: All right.

Principal Skinner: Mother's gone too far. She's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented "Man Without a Face" I didn't even know he had a problem!

[While Homer, Bart, and Lisa are at the dump.]

Homer: Okay, who's up for some scrounging? [begins to scrounge, coming up with a basketball, deflated into a bowl-like shape] Hey, here's a perfectly good basketball half.

Lisa: I found a Malibu Stacey with no head. [a rat pops up from Stacey's torso] Aah! [drops Stacey]

Homer: [laughs, then a raccoon emerges from the basetball and attacks Homer] Aah! Oh, my God! Help me, Lisa!

[It is a flashback to the '70s. Ned Flanders goes into Reverend Lovejoy's office.]

Ned Flanders: Reverend, I'm, uh, I'm afraid something has happened.

Reverend Lovejoy: Well sit down and rap with me brother, that's what I'm here for.

Ned Flanders: Well, I was talked into doing a dance called "The Bump", but my hip slipped and my buttocks came into contact with the buttocks of another young man!

[When Bart and Lisa find a box that has a face which looks like Homer on it.]

Lisa: What the heck is that?

Bart: Maybe it's a box from the future.

Lisa: It looks Japanese.

Homer: What's going on? Wha... why am I on a Japanese box? [babbles worriedly]

Moe: Yeah, hi, I'm calling for Reverend Lovejoy. Who is this?

Marge: Oh, well, this is um, the uh... The Listen Lady.

Moe: Yeah, well listen, lady, I got so many problems I, I don't even know where to begin here.

Marge: Okay... um, why don't you start from the top?

Moe: All righty. Uh, number one, I've lost the will to live.

Marge: Aw, that's ridiculous, Moe. You've got lots to live for.

Moe: Really? That's not what Reverend Lovejoy's been telling me. Wow, you're good, thanks. [hangs up]

[The phone rings; Moe calls back.]

Moe: Hi, it's me again. I've got another problem. Uh, this one's about my cat. [a cat yowls in the background] Yeah, shut up, I'm asking her!

Marge: Homer! Will you get that crazy box of off the dinner table? It came from the dump.

Homer: But Marge, I'm obsessed with it. Where did it come from? What is it a box of? How'd my face get on it?

Bart: Hey, if they got a picture of you, that means they can see you. They're probably watching us right now.

Marge: That's ridiculous. Nobody is watching us right now. [the family stares nervously at the camera for a few seconds]

[Marge the "Listen Lady" helps out Lenny.]

Lenny: See, all along I've been telling Carl I'm married to a beauty queen. Now, he's coming over for dinner.

Marge: Oh, Lenny, I'm sure he'll like your wife no matter what she looks like.

Lenny: No, no, no, no, no, it's worse than that. I don't even have a wife. I just said I did to, you know, be a big shot.

Marge: Oh. Well, it's time to start telling the truth. Now, when I have to tell my husband the truth, I cook him a big, delicious dinner. By the time he's done eating, he's too full and tired to care what I have to say.

Lenny: Wow, that's great! When Carl comes over, I'll stuff him 'till he don't know what's what.

Reverend Lovejoy: Hmmm. I'm a shepherd without a flock. [looks heaven-ward] What have I done to lose them?

Saint Eleutherius: [comes to life in a stained glass window, surrounded by a bright light] The real question is: What have you done to keep them?

Reverend Lovejoy: [gasps] St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia!

Saint Eleutherius: That's my name, don't wear it out.

Saint Bartholomew: To inspire men, you must be brave. I introduced Christianity to Mongolia. It didn't take, but it was worth a try.

Saint Lucian: Tell us, good Reverend, what great deeds have you done to inspire the hearts of men?

Reverend Lovejoy: Well, I had the vestibule recarpeted.

Saint Donickus: I've appeared in over eight thousand visions, and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.

Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, now please, I, I thought saints were supposed to be friendly.

Saint Donickus: You ... you're just lucky God isn't here. [the light fades, and the saints return to their repose on the windows]

[Reverend Lovejoy is playing sadly with his train set]

Reverend Lovejoy: Attention, HO-scale passengers. The dining car is closed. Root beer is still available, but the cost is now six-fifty. If the passengers will look to their right, you will see a sad man. That is all.

Lisa: Hey! It was all a coincidence.

Bart: Yep. There's your answer, fishbulb.

Homer: Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.

Bart: We are home.

Homer: That was fast.

Reverend Lovejoy: [walks into the room] Yes, Marge?

Marge: Reverend, I gave Ned Flanders some bad advice. Now he could be in real trouble.

Reverend Lovejoy: [exasperated] What happened now? Did he swallow a paper clip?

Marge: No, he's disappeared. Oh, I'm in way over my head. I mean, where do the helpers turn when they need help?

[Reverend Lovejoy looks out the basement window. As if on cue, a bright light streams through the glass and an organ can be heard. The camera pulls back to reveal that Marge has accidentally backed into the keyboard.]

Marge: Eh? [stands up] Sorry.

[At Donny's Discount Gas Station.]

Marge: Donny?

Donny: What?

Marge: Did you see a man being chased by some young hooligans?

Donny: I see lots of stuff.

Lisa: Did you see that?

Donny: Yes. [points to the zoo across the street]

[Flanders is being surrounded by baboons.]

Flanders: Help! What do I do?

Lisa: Play dead!

Homer: No! Run around in circles!

Bart: No, act like a lion!

Marge: Swipe at the dominant male! Come on, Ned, knock that monkey down!

Reverend Lovejoy: Say your prayers, you heathen baboon!

Bart: Wow.

Lisa: Oh, those poor monkeys.

Marge: They started it.

Flanders: You saved me, Reverend. You really went above and beyond. Thank you.

Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, don't thank me, thank Marge Simpson. She taught me that there's more to being a minister than not caring about people.

Flanders: [chuckles] Amen.

[At church.]

Reverend Lovejoy: Baboons to the left of me, baboons to the right, the speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs. A pair of great apes rose up at me, but biff! Bam! I sent them flying like two hairy footballs. A third came screaming at me, and that's when I got mad...

Homer: Now, that's religion.