Difference between revisions of "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?/Quotes"

Revision as of 13:36, August 27, 2012

[It's time for the annual company physicals at Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.]

Tester: [looking at readout] "This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat!"

[The tester turns to see Homer eating a chicken drumstick while he's suspended in the buoyancy tank.]

Tester: "Hey, no eating in the tank!"

Homer: "Go to Hell."

Marge: "How was your day at work, dear?"

Homer: [matter-of-factly] "Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough."

[The results from the company physical show that radiation from the nuclear plant has made Homer sterile. To keep him from suing, Mr. Burns concocts a story about Homer getting the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. All he has to do is sign a form (which is actually a waiver). At Homer's insistence, Burns includes a trophy and a big awards ceremony.]

Lisa: "This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!"

Bart: "What about the Emmys?"

Lisa: "I stand corrected."

[Burns introduces Smokin' Joe Frazier, who presents the award.]

Joe Frazier: "And now, the winner of the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence ..."

Homer: [eyes closed, crossing fingers] "Please-please-please-please-please!"

Lisa: "Dad, you know you won!"

Homer: "Don't jinx it!"

[Meanwhile, Homer's half-brother Herb has been living as a bum since losing his car company. He sees a young mother struggling to understand her baby, and gets the idea of inventing a baby translator to make his fortune back.]

Herb: [talking to fellow bums] "I'm tellin' you, all a man needs is an idea. And I've got an idea!"

Bum: "Then how come you're still a bum?"

Herb: "All right, a man needs two things. An idea, and money to get it off the ground."

[While the family is in a furniture store shopping for a new couch, Homer tries out a fancy vibrating recliner called the "Spinemelter 2000" and falls in love.]

Homer: [still vibrating] "I-I-I-I-'l-l-l-l-l t-t-t-a-a-a-k-k-k-e-e-e i-i-i-t-t-t-t-t-t!!!!"

Marge: [looking at price tag] "This chair is two thousand dollars! We could buy a whole living room set for that."

Homer: "Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service ... but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer."

[After accidentally going to the Flanders house, Herb rings the Simpsons' doorbell and waits for someone to answer.]

Herb: "What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?"

[The door finally opens. It's Homer.]

Homer: "Herb?"

[Herb punches Homer in the jaw and walks inside.]

Bart and Lisa: "Unky Herb!"

Herb: "Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you." [They hug.]

Homer: [rubbing his head] "You weren't so glad to see me."

Herb: "I'm sorry, Homer. But I'm still mad at you. Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face!"

Homer: "Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?"

Herb: "I'll try, but I'm not making any promises."

[The Simpsons and Herb sit down to dinner. Bart makes small talk.]

Bart: "Unky Herb, what advice would you give to a boy who will most likely become a bum like yourself?"

Herb: "Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese."

[After borrowing Homer's $2,000 of "Excellence" money and spending hours working with Maggie, Herb is ready to unveil his baby translator prototype.]

Herb: "Now, I bet you're all wondering what's under this sheet."

Bart: "Not really. We peeked inside while you were in the john."

Herb: "Well, here it is again. My baby translator!" [pulls the sheet off]

Marge: [impressed] "Oooooooooo!!!"

Herb: "Marge, you don't have to humor me."

Marge: "Well, it's pretty ingrained."

Herb: "What do you think, Homer?"

Homer: "Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew two thousand dollars on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks!"

Herb: "Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?"

Homer: "I'll try, but I can't."

[Maggie takes her pacifier out of her mouth and babbles. The translator goes into action.]

Maggie: [via translator] "Lavish attention on me and entertain me."

Marge: [gasps] "Maggie! You talked!"

Herb: "You see? It tells you exactly what's on the baby's mind."

Lisa: [covering Maggie's eyes] "Maggie? Maggie?"

Maggie: [via translator] "Where did you go?"

Lisa: [uncovering Maggie's eyes] "Peek-a-boo!"

Maggie: [via translator] "Oh, there you are. Very amusing."

Herb: "Well, Homer, now what do you think?"

Homer: "I don't know, Herb. People are afraid of new things. You should have taken an existing product and put a clock in it or something."

Marge: "Homer, every mother in the country is going to want one of these."

[Maggie takes her pacifier out of her mouth and babbles again.]

Maggie: [via translator] "I have soiled myself. How embarrassing."

[At the Baby Convention, Herb's translator is a big hit and sells extremely well, making him his fortune back. Herb pays Homer back the $2,000 he borrowed and gives gifts to Marge and the kids.]

Homer: [looking forlorn] "Herb, I don't think there's a vibrating chair in that bag for me."

Herb: "Homer, walk me to my car." [They go outside.]

Homer: "What do I get? What do I get? It's not another punch in the face, is it? Because if it is, I don't want it."

Herb: "This is what you get. I forgive you. You can call me brother, and I can do the same."

Homer: "That's it?"

Herb: "That's it."

Homer: "I see your point - brother."

Herb: "Give me a hug - brother."

Homer: "All right, but I've never really hugged a man before."

[As the two brothers embrace, a delivery truck from "The Seatery" pulls into the driveway, behind Homer.]

Herb: "Homer, I bought you the damn chair."

[Now ecstatic, Homer covers Herb with kisses.]