Climbing Hamburger Hill

Climbing Hamburger Hill

Tapped Out Quest Information Level: 7 Update: Food Wars Required characters: Krusty, Rich People, Homer, Normal Springfielders, Lisa Optional characters: Cayman Island Banker, Mr. Burns, The Rich Texan, Dimwillie, Bart, See Currency-earning jobs Internal name(s): ClimbingHamburgerHill ID(s): 270001 - 270005 Previous quest(s): A Healthy Distaste Next quest(s): Victory With a Side of Fries

Climbing Hamburger Hill is an event-exclusive questline in The Simpsons: Tapped Out. It was introduced in the Food Wars content update.

Dialogue

Pt. 1

After completing A Healthy Distaste Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. I get that this is an exclusive country club, but do you really need a live tiger guarding the door? That killer kitty cat keeps the riff-raff out. You'd be surprised how many people come in here hat in hand asking for moolah. It makes me want to vomit, Krusty. You should see the pathetic look in their eyes when they're about to debase themselves and beg for— Wait, why are you looking at us like that? You gotta help me, I'm begging you! I canceled my Krusty Burger expansion plans because I got scared off by Low-Fat Lad, but now everyone came crawling back to my deep-fried cash cow, but my financing fell through! Krusty Burger can't keep up with demand, and I need an extra-large cash infusion! Task: "Collect Condiments" (x125). Task: "Make Krusty Try to Revive Krusty Burger Expansion". The job takes place at Beloved Billionaires Club, Billionaire Haven, Elite Yacht Club, or a Krusty Burger and takes 4 hours. If Cayman Island Banker is owned: Task: "Make Cayman Islands Banker Refuse to Fund Expansion". The job takes place at Beloved Billionaires Club, Billionaire Haven, Elite Yacht Club, or a Krusty Burger and takes 4 hours. Task: "Make Richies Invest in Their Own Fast Food Joints" (x3). The jobs take place at an Eatery or a Brown House and take 4 hours. You won't loan me the money to build more Krusty Burger restaurants?! Nope! We're gonna invest in our own fast food joints. Mine's called Yee-Haw Hotdogs. I had my pistols retrofitted to shoot relish. I'm opening a Chinese buffet called Fortune Cookie Kitchen — we serve fortune cookies for the entree and give you kung pao chicken when the check comes. So none of you will finance me? Not even you, Cayman Island Banker guy? People love Krusty Burger now! This is a sure thing! Sorry, I'm also opening a restaurant that serves fortune cookies. Quest reward: 100 and 10 Low-Fat Lad

Pt. 2

After completing Pt. 1 Kent Brockman here for "Eye on Springfield" — although since we're talking about fast food restaurants, maybe we should call it "Tongue on Springfield". We definitely can't call it "Hands on Springfield" as I recently learned in a very educational HR meeting... We're here with some entrepreneurs who are starting up restaurants hoping that Springfielders are tired of waiting to get into Krusty Burger. Tell us about your new fast food venture, Mr. Fortune. At Fortune Cookie Kitchen, we don't use the term "fast food". We prefer "quick cuisine," or "swift sustenance," or "expedited edibles". Coincidentally, I'm having a huge sale on thesauruses at Fortune Megastores! Thank you for the very useful information. And how about you, Mr. Burns? What made you decide to serve exclusively plant-based hamburgers at your X-Cell-Ent Burger chain? The animal rights protesters have become quite boring so I decided to see how far I could push the tree huggers. Sometimes I send them carrot peels in the mail for fun. You're a monster, Burns! And even local schmo Homer Simpson is getting in on the action. How did you come to try your hand in the fast food biz? Well Kent, I literally plunged my hand into a deep fryer on accident and the smell was to die for! After this Cayman Islands Banker guy got a whiff, he invested in Kentucky Fried Simpson! Surely you don't plan on deep-frying yourself and selling it to people? I don't? And finally we have Dimwillie, CEO and spokesburger for Dimwillie's. Aw shucks, gee whiz! I don't know about all this fancy business talk. I just make hamburgers and hope people will like them. Wow, a refreshingly simple and honest statement! You might go far in this town, Dimwillie— Mr. Simpson, will you stop trying to eat your hand! Sorry... Task: "Collect Condiments" (x125). Task: "Make Homer Be Confused About What "Fried Simpson" Is". The job takes place at an Eatery and takes 4 hours. If Mr. Burns is owned: Task: "Make Burns Mess With the Tree Huggers". The job takes place at the World's Largest Redwood, Springfield Park Entrance, Springfield National Park, Uriah's Heap Recycling Center, Cooling Towers, or a Brown House and takes 4 hours. Task: "Make Springfielders Flock to Dimwillie's" (x5). The jobs take place at Dimwillie's or a Brown House and take 4 hours. Golly gee, I sure am happy that people like eating my hamburgers. They're simple like me! The burgers are just okay, but who wouldn't be won over by Dimwillie's "aw shucks" earnestness? I've always secretly suspected that Krusty is laughing at us and not with us. Who, me? Why would I laugh at a woman whose idea of a joke is saying "Won't someone think of the children?" I see what you mean, Helen. Aw now, don't be cross at ol' Krusty. Everything gets old when you don't have any new material. Golly gee! Haha! His jokes are staler than his hamburger buns! Everyone's a comedian, huh? Well you realize this means war, Dimwillie. I hope so. What? Aw shucks, I didn't say nothin'! I'm just a simple hamburger salesman. Here, have one. No thank you! Wait, is it free? Then I'll take it — but I won't like it. Quest reward: 100 and 10 Kentucky Fried Simpson

Pt. 3

After completing Pt. 2 Will you guys please take another look at funding my Krusty Burger expansion plans? Krusty, how did you get back into our club?! I distracted your guard tiger with a bucket of beef. You fed him Krusty Burgers? That's animal cruelty! Relax, I checked with a veterinarian and he said you can feed a tiger anything Grade C and above. So I got some beef from Dimwillie's... Did someone say my name? What's meathead doing here? We love this guy. Our money's all in Dimwillie's now. Okay, but can Dimwillie make you a star? I still have my own studio and a TV show, you know. I could be on TV? That gives me some ideas... Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't accept unsolicited ideas. Or solicited ones. But I'll plaster your face on TV! Task: "Collect Condiments" (x125). Task: "Make Krusty Use Stardom to Appeal to Rich Guy Egos". The job takes place at Beloved Billionaires Club, Billionaire Haven, Elite Yacht Club, Dimwillie's, or a Krusty Burger and takes 4 hours. If The Rich Texan is owned: Task: "Make The Rich Texan Envision Stardom". The job takes place at Beloved Billionaires Club, Billionaire Haven, Elite Yacht Club, Dimwillie's, or a Krusty Burger and takes 4 hours. If Dimwillie is owned: Task: "Make Dimwillie Schmooze Rich Guys Even Harder". The job takes place at Beloved Billionaires Club, Billionaire Haven, Elite Yacht Club, Dimwillie's, or a Krusty Burger and takes 4 hours. Okay, Rich Texan, just stand here and when the director points to you, say your line: "Yee haw!" I want to start in a oner and then pan over into a two-shot that tracks me down this hallway right as magic hour hits so the light'll flare real nice on that there 55mm lens. Easy there, Alfred Half-cocked. This is a kid's show filmed in a Cold War-era studio that's mostly made of asbestos. Can we take our places? We're going live in 3...2...1... Hey-hey, kids! Today we've got a very special guest who just LOVES eating at Krusty Burger. Isn't that right, Rich Texan? Yee...uh, I mean...Yee... uhhh...line?! Quest reward: 100 and 10 X-Cell-Ent Burger

Pt. 4

After completing Pt. 3 I looked like a durn fool! I haven't froze up like that since I went ice fishing during a blizzard in my skivvies while drinkin' a frozen daiquiri and then forgot what I was supposed to say! What a disaster. Now I'm in even worse shape than I was before... Hey look, it's that moron from Krusty Burger who couldn't remember his line! Yeah, what a dope! Seeing him on TV really made me...uh...uh... Never want to go to Krusty Burger again? No, it made me hungry! That guy was so...uh... Relatable? Exactly. Two Krusty Burgers please! Hey, being dumb and relatable is my thing! Don't worry, pal, there's plenty of stupidity to go around. There's only room for one moronic burger chain in this town... Task: "Collect Condiments" (x150). If Dimwillie is owned: Task: "Make Dimwillie Unleash Burger Army". The job takes place at a Krusty Burger or Eatery and takes 4 hours. Task: "Make Krusty Cringe at the Carnage". The job takes place at a Krusty Burger or Eatery and takes 4 hours. Task: "Make Springfielders Run for Cover" (x5). The jobs take place at a Visitable Home, Simpson House, or Brown House and take 4 hours. I can't believe you people are letting these burger soldiers force you to eat at Dimwillie's. Yeah, it is kinda weird that an army of burger people are threatening us... Wait a minute, is this a Halloween update? It must be! I love when things are non-canonical. Hey, watch — I'm gonna smash my arm though this window and nothing's gonna happen! Look, just a bunch of ketchup pouring out of my arm and me getting all woozy. Happy Halloweeee... Um, we should probably call 911. There's a lot of "ketchup" coming out of his arm... Aw, don't worry, he fell into the condiments station. The Dimwillie's special sauce stopped the bleeding. Great, now his burgers save lives, too?! Quest reward: 100 and 10 Burger Soldiers and Wrecked Krusty Burger

Pt. 5

After completing Pt. 4 I don't know why everyone's so bent outta shape — I love martial law! Whenever I get caught after curfew, they sentence me to two hours hard flavor at Dimwillie's. Well I hate it, Dimwillie's doesn't even have a vegetarian option. I asked for vegetable soup and they gave me a cup of Dimwillie's Special Sauce! Oooh, a milkshake! Dad, it's not a— I love this familiar flavor. *drinks more* Something weird is going on around here... You mean weirder than an army of burger-people taking over our town and making people eat here at Dimwillie's? Krusty, what are you doing in here? Did the burger soldiers force you to come? No, I'm just hiding out to avoid my creditors. Looks like Dimwillie has won the burger wars. Well, "golly gee", Krusty. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. Looks like my brand of simple folksiness and the lowest prices in town have put me on top. How does he keep the prices so low... Not so fast, Dimwillie! Task: "Collect Condiments" (x200). If Dimwillie is owned: Task: "Make Dimwillie Force Springfielders to Eat His Burgers". The job takes place at Dimwillie's and takes 4 hours. Task: "Make Krusty Prepare to Surrender the Burger Wars". The job takes place at Dimwillie's, the Old Abandoned Warehouse, Warehouse Hideout, or a Brown House and takes 4 hours. Task: "Make Lisa Investigate Dimwillie's Special Sauce". The job takes place at Dimwillie's, the Old Abandoned Warehouse, Warehouse Hideout, or a Brown House and takes 4 hours. If Bart is owned: Task: "Make Bart Investigate Dimwillie's Special Sauce". The job takes place at Dimwillie's, the Old Abandoned Warehouse, Warehouse Hideout, or a Brown House and takes 4 hours. Yep, Dimwillie's special sauce is 100% identical to Krusty's! You can't prove that! I believe I just did, with the beakers and the bunsen burners and the comparing of the listed ingredients. It was the perfect crime. But how did you figure it out? The first clue was when your special sauce stopped the bleeding on Lenny's arm. I knew Krusty would be so cheap as to mix in sawdust to stretch the sauce, which clotted on Lenny's arm. It's true! And then our dad chugged it down and said it tasted familiar. This is a man who has ingested gallons of Krusty Sauce in his life. And finally, we saw your army of burger soldiers painstakingly squeezing hundreds of Krusty Sauce packets into Dimwillie's buckets. Ugh. This is what happens when you employ literal hamburgers to do your dirty work. And now I'm finally gonna run you out of town! Oh, yeah? You and what army? That would be me and my army of fellow trial lawyers. Golly gee... Quest reward: 100 and 10 Fast Food Grampa

Currency-earning jobs

Task Character(s) Time Location(s) Reward Swipe Condiments From Restaurants Krusty, Homer, Mr. Burns, Lisa, Bart, Marge, Wiggum 4h Eatery 5, 45 "Borrow" Condiments From Krusty Burger Dimwillie, Hero Kirk Krusty Burger 8, 70

Behind the Laughter

The quest name is a reference to the 1987 war film Hamburger Hill.

The Simpsons: Tapped Out Food Wars quests
A Healthy Distaste • Climbing Hamburger Hill • Victory With a Side of Fries
Dimwillie	Law & Side Orders
Hero Kirk	Everybody's Hero
Fast Food Grampa	I'll Flip the Burger and Melt Cheese With You