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Difference between revisions of "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson/Quotes"

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< The Secret War of Lisa Simpson
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{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase|The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson}}
 
{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase|The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson}}
  
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{{qf|Instructor}} ''[to Bart]'' Since you've already attended public school, we're assuming you've already had experience with small arms. So, we're gonna give you something... a little more advanced. ''[hands Bart a mini-rocket launcher]''
+
{{qf|[[Chief Wiggum]]}} Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?
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{{qf|[[Bart]]}} Wow.
 
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:''[Bart begins firing away at his targets, destroying four. The last rocket flies off into the distance.]''
 
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{{qf|Instructor}} Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target.
 
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{{qf|Bart}} ''[slyly]'' Did I?
 
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:''[Cut to [[Springfield Elementary]]. Principal Skinner is standing next to the smoldering crater that was his car.]''
 
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{{qf|[[Nelson]]}} ''[from the school window]'' Ha ha!
 
 
----
 
----
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{{qf|[[Marge]]}} It certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of the semester.
+
{{qf|Announcer}} The moon. For several years, she has fascinated many. But will man ever walk on her fertile surface? Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so.
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{{qf|{{ap|The Commandant|The Secret War of Lisa Simpson|Commandant}}}} Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent "freak-outs," so that freed up a couple of bunks.
+
{{qf|[[Adlai Stevenson II]]}} I have no objection to man walking on the moon.
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{{qf|Bart}} Freak-outs?
 
 
----
 
----
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{{qf|Bart}} But if you quit, it would be like an expert knot-tyer quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot!
+
{{qf|[[Lisa]]}} Where's [[Miss Hoover]]?
−
{{qf|[[Lisa]]}} Why did you say that?
+
{{qf|[[Janey Powell]]}} Hey, her car's gone.
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{{qf|Bart}} I don't know. I was just looking at my shoelaces. But the point is, you're gonna make it, Lise, and I'll stick by you.
+
{{qf|[[Ralph Wiggum]]}} Maybe she drove to the moon.
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{{qf|Lisa}} Don't do that. Why should we both be outcasts?
 
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{{qf|Bart}} Then I'll stick by you in secret. Like a sock maker secretly working on a top secret sock that . . .
 
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{{qf|Lisa}} Will you stop looking at your feet!
 
 
----
 
----
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{{qf|Commandant}} Lights out! (The lights go out and a thump is heard) Ow! Damn it! Lights on! Lights on!
+
{{qf|Lisa}} It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two film strips, and an hour and a half of "magazine time." I just don't feel challenged.
 +
{{qf|[[Principal Skinner]]}} Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining... furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation...
 
----
 
----
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{{qf|Marge}} Lisa, if you ever want to quit and come home, I'll be here in half a jif.
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{{qf|[[Marge]]}} Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of the semester.
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{{qf|Bart}} I want to quit and come home! (pause) I want to quit and come home!
+
{{qf|{{ap|The Commandant|The Secret War of Lisa Simpson}}}} Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent "freak-outs," so that freed up a couple of bunks.
−
{{qf|Marge}} (kissing him goodbye) Oh, honey, I heard you the first time.
+
{{qf|[[Bart]]}} "Freak-outs?"
 +
{{qf|[[Homer]]}} If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester?
 
----
 
----
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{{qf|Commandant}} Gentlemen, we now have a girl cadet among our ranks, so there are going to be a few changes. First of all, Franklin, you are no longer the girliest cadet here.
+
{{qf|Lisa}} Hey, look, it's the school motto.
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{{qf|[[Franklin]]}} ''[in a very effeminate voice]'' Well, we'll see about that.
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{{qf|Bart}} ''[reading]'' "I'll die before I surrender, Tim." ''[to Lisa]'' Who's Tim?
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{{qf|Commandant}} Second of all, this is now the girls' barracks, so pack your things, you're moving in with Company L.
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{{qf|Lisa}} Apparently Tim was someone who was with the general moments before he was shot right in the head.
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{{qf|Cadet}} Company L? But they smell!
 
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{{qf|Commandant}} Yes, we've all heard the chant... Now fall out!
 
 
----
 
----
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{{qf|Lisa}} ''[on "The Eliminator"]'' If only I was back in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on! Oh, God, I'm delirious.
+
{{qf|Instructor}} Since you attended public school, I'm going to assume that you're already proficient with small arms. So, we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.
 
----
 
----
−
{{qf|[[Chief Wiggum]]}} We'll start the tour in a second. I just gotta check the answering machine. ''[checks it and there are 75 messages]'' Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands? ''[deletes them]''
+
{{qf|Bart}} I'm sorry I froze you out, Lis. I--I just didn't want the guys to think I'd gone soft on the girl issue.
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} Ech, I'm tired of being an issue, Bart. Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.
 +
{{qf|Bart}} But if you quit, it'll be like an expert knot-tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot!
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} Why'd you say that?
 +
{{qf|Bart}} I dunno. I was just looking at my shoelaces.
 
----
 
----
−
{{qf|Chief Wiggum}} Now, what I am about to show you next may shock and educate you. Hold onto your values as we step through the looking glass into a hippie pot party. ''[flicks a switch, lighting a mannequin with a joint crudely stuck to his mouth]'' While Johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea. ''[lights up another mannequin, of a woman opening wide to eat a baby sandwich; the crowd gasps]'' That's right, she's got the munchies for a California Cheeseburger.
+
{{qf|Bart}} I thought you came here looking for a challenge.
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} Duh! A challenge I could do.
 
----
 
----
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{{qf|[[Ralph]]}} [[Miss Hoover]], the movie's over.
+
{{qf|The Commandant}} Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the State Supreme Court has determined that forcing cadets to cross "The Eliminator" is a barbaric and malicious practice.
−
{{qf|Lisa}} Where's Miss Hoover?
+
{{qf|Lisa}} ''[under her breath]'' Yes!
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{{qf|[[Janey]]}} ''[looks out the window]'' Hey, her car's gone.
+
{{qf|The Commandant}} Hence, you will be the last class to be subjected to it.
−
{{qf|Ralph}} Maybe she drove to the moon.
 
 
----
 
----
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{{qf|Lisa}} ''[to Principal Skinner]'' It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two filmstrips, and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged.
+
{{qf|The Commandant}} The wars of the future will not be fought on a battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today, remember always, your duty is clear: to build and maintain those robots. Thank you.
−
{{qf|[[Principal Skinner]]}} Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.
 
−
----
 
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{{qf|[[Homer]]}} ''[yelling over the loud ringing]'' You really did it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
 
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{{qf|Lisa}} When do you expect the ringing will stop?
 
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{{qf|Chief Wiggum}} In about 10 to 15 seconds.
 
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{{qf|Marge}} I certainly hope ''[the ringing stops]'' so. ''[realizes she's still yelling]'' Ooh! ''[puts her hand to her mouth]'' That's better.
 
−
----
 
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{{qf|Marge}} ''[to Bart]'' Now about your punishment, young man.
 
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{{qf|Bart}} I know, I'll go to my room to think about what I did.
 
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{{qf|Homer}} Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage.
 
−
----
 
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{{qf|Chief Wiggum}} Hey, what about military school? It set my brother straight. Now he owns and operates a famous cave.
 
−
----
 
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{{qf|Bart}} Military school?! You lied to me!
 
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{{qf|Homer}} ''[chuckles]'' Well, I'm sorry if you heard, "Disneyland," but I distinctly said, "military school."
 
−
----
 
−
:''[When the commandant shows the Simpsons a classroom.]''
 
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{{qf|Cadet}} Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
 
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{{qf|Lisa}} They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school.
 
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{{qf|Teacher}} But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?
 
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{{qf|Marge}} Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.
 
−
----
 
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{{qf|Bart}} Please don't make me stay, dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes!
 
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{{qf|Homer}} Let go my leg.
 
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{{qf|Bart}} No!
 
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{{qf|Homer}} Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school.
 
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{{qf|Lisa}} And so am I. ''[everyone else gasps]'' This school has everything I ever wanted.
 
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{{qf|Marge}} Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.
 
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{{qf|Bart}} No jail can hold me. ''[runs off, only to be returned by the school M.P.s a few seconds later]''
 
−
----
 
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{{qf|Cadet}} What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud?
 
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{{qf|Lisa}} Is there any answer I can give that won't result in more push-ups?
 
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:''[The cadets talk amongst themselves.]''
 
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{{qf|Cadet}} No.
 
−
----
 
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{{qf|Lisa}} Okay, I'm not going to give up. Solitude never hurt anyone. [[Emily Dickinson]] lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.
 
−
----
 
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{{qf|Commandant}} Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked very hard developing academic skills and general killing skills.
 
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{{qf|Bart}} ''[to Lisa]'' My killing teacher says I'm a natural.
 
−
----
 
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{{qf|Lisa}} ''[reading a note from Bart]'' Meet me at "the Eliminator" after lights out. P.S., The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you. Ohhh ... ''[holds her tray up just in time to deflect meatballs coming at her]''
 
−
----
 
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{{qf|Cadet #2}} We're going to make your life a living hell for the rest of the semester.
 
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{{qf|Leader}} But graduation's in 3 hours.
 
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{{qf|Anderson}} We'd better go change!
 
−
----
 
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{{qf|Homer}} Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns?
 
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{{qf|Bart}} Sir! Yes, Sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!
 
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{{qf|Marge}} Well, he seems to have gotten more confidence.
 
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{{qf|Homer}} Uh, yeah, I've always said that the boy could use more confidence.
 
−
----
 
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{{qf|Bart}} Cleaning graffiti off a statue makes a mockery of everything I believe in!
 
−
----
 
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:''[After conquering "The Eliminator".]''
 
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{{qf|Lisa}} You thought I couldn't do it but I could, I did, and I could do it again! Let's do it again!
 
−
----
 
−
{{qf|Homer}} ''[yelling to be heard]'' You really did it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
 
−
{{qf|Lisa}} When do you expect the ringing will stop?
 
−
{{qf|Wiggum}} ''[looking at his watch]'' In about ten to fifteen seconds.
 
−
{{qf|Marge}} I certainly hope ''[the ringing stops]'' so.  ''[realizes she's still yelling]''  Ooh!  ''[puts her hand to her mouth]''
 
−
{{qf|Marge}} That's better.
 
−
:''[Maggie removes to pacifiers she had been using as earplugs.]''
 
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{{qf|Marge}}Now about your punishment, young man.
 
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{{qf|Bart}} ''[gets up]'' I know, I'll go to my room to think about what I did.
 
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{{qf|Homer}} Oh, no, your room is full of toys.  You're going to the, uh, garage.
 
−
{{qf|Bart}} ''[leaves]''  You're the boss.
 
−
{{qf|Marge}} I tell you, Chief, I just don't know what we're going to do with him.
 
−
{{qf|Wiggum}} You know, you do have options. ''[Bart rides by the living room window on a lawn mower]'' For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How weddedare you to the Bart you know?
 
−
{{qf|Homer}} Not very.
 
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{{qf|Marge}} No-o-o! No drugs! Bart just needs a little discipline.
 
−
{{qf|Wiggum}} Uh, hey, what about military school? It set my brother straight.  Now he owns and operates a famous cave.
 
−
{{qf|Marge}} You know, maybe Chief Wiggum is right.  Military school is a good idea.
 
−
:''[The family looks out the front window.  Bart rides by in the opposite direction, followed by police cars with their lights flashing.]''
 
  
 
{{Season 8|Q}}
 
{{Season 8|Q}}
 
{{DEFAULTSORT:Secret War of Lisa Simpson/Quotes}}
 
{{DEFAULTSORT:Secret War of Lisa Simpson/Quotes}}

Latest revision as of 16:01, May 27, 2023


Season 8 Episode Quotes
← 177 "The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase"
178
"The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
"The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson" 179 →


Chief Wiggum: Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?
Announcer: The moon. For several years, she has fascinated many. But will man ever walk on her fertile surface? Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so.
Adlai Stevenson II: I have no objection to man walking on the moon.
Lisa: Where's Miss Hoover?
Janey Powell: Hey, her car's gone.
Ralph Wiggum: Maybe she drove to the moon.
Lisa: It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two film strips, and an hour and a half of "magazine time." I just don't feel challenged.
Principal Skinner: Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining... furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation...
Marge: Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of the semester.
The Commandant: Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent "freak-outs," so that freed up a couple of bunks.
Bart: "Freak-outs?"
Homer: If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester?
Lisa: Hey, look, it's the school motto.
Bart: [reading] "I'll die before I surrender, Tim." [to Lisa] Who's Tim?
Lisa: Apparently Tim was someone who was with the general moments before he was shot right in the head.
Instructor: Since you attended public school, I'm going to assume that you're already proficient with small arms. So, we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.
Bart: I'm sorry I froze you out, Lis. I--I just didn't want the guys to think I'd gone soft on the girl issue.
Lisa: Ech, I'm tired of being an issue, Bart. Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.
Bart: But if you quit, it'll be like an expert knot-tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot!
Lisa: Why'd you say that?
Bart: I dunno. I was just looking at my shoelaces.
Bart: I thought you came here looking for a challenge.
Lisa: Duh! A challenge I could do.
The Commandant: Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the State Supreme Court has determined that forcing cadets to cross "The Eliminator" is a barbaric and malicious practice.
Lisa: [under her breath] Yes!
The Commandant: Hence, you will be the last class to be subjected to it.
The Commandant: The wars of the future will not be fought on a battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today, remember always, your duty is clear: to build and maintain those robots. Thank you.
Season 8 Quotes
Treehouse of Horror VII • You Only Move Twice • The Homer They Fall • Burns, Baby Burns • Bart After Dark • A Milhouse Divided • Lisa's Date with Density • Hurricane Neddy • El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer • The Springfield Files • The Twisted World of Marge Simpson • Mountain of Madness • Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious • The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show • Homer's Phobia • Brother from Another Series • My Sister, My Sitter • Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment • Grade School Confidential • The Canine Mutiny • The Old Man and the Lisa • In Marge We Trust • Homer's Enemy • The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase • The Secret War of Lisa Simpson
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