Free Range/Quotes

Quotes

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[In the living room of Jimbo's house, Jimbo and Dolph play a shoot-'em-up video game, and get blown up when Jimbo can't figure out how to throw a grenade.]

Jimbo: [scoffing] "This game'd be cool if they didn't make the controls so weak!"

Dolph: "Maybe you should file a complaint with the American Noob Society."

Jimbo: "Maybe I should file you!"

[Jimbo's mother calls out to the boys from the kitchen.]

Jimbo's mother: "Jimbo, do you and your friend like wieners?"

[Dolph snickers.]

Jimbo: "Yeah, Mom. And if you wanna call 'em hot dogs next time, that's cool, too."

Jimbo's mother: "Oh, the co-op keeps sending me too many eggs. We'll never eat all these eggs. Can you ask Dolph if his mom can use a huge amount of eggs?"

[A crafty look appears on Jimbo's face.]

Jimbo: "Hmmm, yeah, he—[quickly corrects himself]—I mean, she can definitely use eggs."

[Weeks later, Principal Skinner talks to Apu at the Kwik-E-Mart.]

Skinner: [exiting the men's room] "I don't like it, Apu."

Apu: "Be that as it may, our restrooms are fully cleaned twice a week."

Skinner: "No, no, I mean this article about the decrease in vandalism. It feels like the calm before the proverbial storm."

Apu: "Perhaps our brand new Mocha Squishee Latte could brighten your mood."

Skinner: "I'm afraid not, my friend. I must stay vigilant and deny myself the creature comforts of a false sense of security. I'll ... uh ... stick with my usual Squishee-ccino if you don't mind."

Apu: "It would be my pleasure."

[Meanwhile, outside the Kwik-E-Mart, Bart is about to play a prank: placing a banana peel where someone will slip on it.]

Principal Skinner: [exiting the store and confronting Bart] "Bart Simpson! You aren't up to any mischief with that banana peel, are you?"

Bart: "No, sir, sir! [thinking quickly] Uh ... this is where the trash can used to be ... guess they moved it."

Skinner: "See that you find the appropriate receptacle, young man!"

[Jimbo calls out to Bart from the roof of the store.]

Jimbo: "Hey! I need some ideas. If you help me out, I'll tell you the top secret bullies' method of climbing up on this roof."

Bart: [instantly appearing on the roof] "You mean like this?"

[Now that they're both on the Kwik-E-Mart roof, Jimbo and Bart talk.]

Bart: "Whatcha doing up here, man?"

Jimbo: "Eh, I come up here when I need to think."

Bart: "How often is that?"

Jimbo: "Look ... Me, Dolph and Kearney are sitting on this mother lode of eggs. And we've got ... What's the delinquent's equivalent of writer's block?"

Bart: "Delinquentitis?"

Jimbo: "Yeah! And it's tearing us apart. We couldn't agree on one plan, so we had a big falling out. Nobody's vandalized school property in weeks."

Bart: [pleased and surprised] "So you want my help? [thinks quickly] Well, with that many eggs you just gotta think extra large. So ... Step One: Hijack the Duff Blimp. Step Two: Egg all of Springfield. Voila!"

Jimbo: [scoffs] "That was, like, the first thing we thought of. I'll write that down just so I can laugh at it later. Guess ya can't trust a little kid to come up with quality deviltry."

Bart: [crestfallen] "Aww ..."

[Two days later, Martin is walking down the street eating a popsicle.]

Martin: "It's so refreshing to walk down the steet without being harangued or bullied. The sun is out, birds are chirping ... [puzzled] ... The Duff Beer Blimp is hovering above me ... ?"

[Three eggs come down from the blimp and hit Martin. Aboard the blimp are Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney.]

Jimbo: [using a megaphone] "Hey, kid! You just got egged!"

Martin: [angry] "I know!!"

[After egging Gil, the bullies revel in the good time they're having.]

Dolph: "This is really special, you guys."

Jimbo: "Yeah, I'd say this might actually be the sweetest gondola I've ever ridden in."

[Elsewhere, the organization Mothers Against Any And All Antisocial Delinquency (M.A.A.A.A.A.D.) is holding an awards ceremony outdoors, with Helen Lovejoy presiding.]

Helen: "So today, Mothers Against Any And All Antisocial Delinquency would like to acknowledge the following person for his efforts to curb vandalism ... Clancy Wiggum!"

Chief Wiggum: "Omigosh, I won! Lou, I won!"

Lou: "Nice work, Chief."

Helen: "Here's the award. It's a gold-plated bar chart showing the decrease in vandalism over the last month."

Wiggum: [taking the award from Helen] "Well, first of all, I'd like to thank -"

[Wiggum's acceptance speech is interrupted by a single egg coming down from the sky, scoring a direct hit on the award.]

Agnes Skinner: [pointing skyward] "Vandalism!"

Wiggum: "Wait ... [wiping the egg off of the award with his sleeve] Nope! The award clearly shows that vandalism is still down!"