Bart on the Road/Quotes
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< Bart on the Road
Revision as of 19:07, December 14, 2013 by Mythigator (talk | contribs)
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- Homer: What's wrong, honey?
- Lisa: There's something troubling me, dad, but I don't think I can tell you because it's a secret.
- Homer: Ah, you don't have to tell me, but I thought we trusted each other with our secrets now. I mean, I haven't told a soul about your boyfriend.
- Lisa: Langdon Alger? Oh, I don't like him anymore. Okay, but you gotta promise you won't get mad or tell anyone, especially Bart.
- Homer: I promise.
- Lisa: Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson to a week out in Knoxville and their car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong!
- Homer: [face reddens, then returns to normal] Yes, that's a real pickle. Could you excuse me for a moment? [puts on the radiation suit hood, which muffles his voice; yells his head off as the faceplate fogs up] All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.
- Lisa: No, no! Then he'll know I told.
- Nelson: What is this place?
- Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.
- Bart: Gentlemen, for our road trip I have taken the liberty of preparing an airtight and utterly plausible alibi for use on our parents.
- [Milhouse at home]
- Milhouse: I have been selected to represent the school at the national grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.
- [Martin at home]
- Martin: I've been selected to represent the school at the national grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.
- [Nelson at home]
- Nelson: [leaving his house] I'm goin' away for a week. See ya!
- Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait I wish I was going. Is that right, Bart?
- Bart: I dunno.
- Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?
- Bart: Maybe because you are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
- Lisa: That's not Latin. Mom, Bart's faking it.
- Marge: Lisa, you've had your glory. Now it's Bart's turn.
- Homer: Your turn.
- Lisa: Hmm, truth.
- Homer: Uh, do you have a crush on anyone?
- Lisa: Dad!
- Homer: Oh, I won't tell anybody.
- Lisa: Dad, you tell everybody everything. Even Moe knew when I threw up on the dentist.
- [Nelson grabs Milhouse's glasses]
- Milhouse: Hey! I need those to see.
- Pawnbroker: Ah, these lenses are perfect! Now I can re-bottom those antique Coke bottles. [he begins counting money] Three hundred, four hundred, five hundred, six hundred...
- Milhouse: Hey! Come back! hey!
- [crashes into the pyramid of Coke bottles]
- Pawnbroker: ...five hundred, four hundred, three hundred, two hundred, one hundred, zero.
- Bart: [reading from a handout] Go To Work With Your Parents Day?
- Principal Skinner: [over the P.A.] Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day. Tomorrow you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real-world situations.
- Lisa: I still don't understand why you get to stay home and watch Mom work.
- Bart: Because I've always been an advocate of women in the workplace, Lis. I can't help it if my mom's workplace contains our TV.
- Lisa: Okay, time for truth or dare. You go first.
- Homer: Ehh, truth. Ask me anything.
- Lisa: Who do you love most: me, Bart, or Maggie?
- Homer: D'oh! All right, dare.
- Bart: Mom, you're blocking the TV. If you need something to do, you can fill out my form—here. [hands Marge the form]
- Marge: [reading] Parent's occupation ... please note, homemaker is not allowed, as it is not real work, that's why you don't get paid for it ... ohhh.
- Patty: Some days, we don't let the line move at all.
- Selma: We call those weekdays. [both of them laugh]
- Patty: Good one.
- Nelson: [after seeing the movie, "Naked Lunch"] I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.
- Milhouse: [yells] Spring breeeak! Yeah [pause, then quiet] Well, when are we going to get rowdy?
- Bart: Maybe when we find something decent to do with this ID.
- Nelson: We could go rent a carpet shampooer.
- Martin: [to his flipping dog] Oh boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. [Nelson grabs Martin and tosses Flipsy out the window; Flipsy gets run over by a car]
- Nelson: HA-ha!
- Milhouse: Bart! Nelson hit me!
- Bart: He sure did.
- Homer: Hi, Lisa, how's your spring break going?
- Lisa: I'm learning about owls.
- Homer: Oh, owls, eh? So you probably wouldn't want to spend another day at work with me.
- Lisa: Sure I would. I can always learn about owls this summer at bird camp.
- Martin: [wakes up and looks out the window] Oh! We've arrived in the vast cornfields of Canada. How much further to the grammar rodeo?
- Nelson: Grammar rodeo? We're going to a grammar rodeo?
- Bart: We're not going to a grammar rodeo. That was just an alibi, Milton.
- Milhouse: [whispers] Martin.
- Bart: Martin.
- Homer: Oh! This is a map of nuclear sites around the country. As a safety inspector, I'm responsible for changing most of these light bulbs.
- Lisa: Why are there so many burnt-out ones?
- Homer: 'Cause they won't hire me an assistant.
- Marge: Lisa, you'll have a fine time at the plant with dad. You've been interested in nuclear power for years.
- Lisa: I signed numerous petitions to shut down that plant.
- Marge: Well, there you go.
- Nelson: [sees a sign about an Andy Williams concert] Andy Williams!
- Bart: Aw, we don't need to stop here.
- Nelson: Yes, we do. [punches Bart in the back of the head]
- Homer: [on the phone] Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura.
- Moe: Ura Snotball?
- Homer: What? How dare you? If I find out who this is, I'll staple an American flag to your butt and mail you to Iran. [hangs up]
- Bart: We got no car!
- Martin: We got no money!
- Milhouse: And no one knows we're here!
- Bart, Martin, & Milhouse: We're stranded!
- Nelson: But on the plus side, I knocked over the Sunsphere. [camera cuts back to wider angle] Ha-ha.
- Lisa: [on the phone with Bart] You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. [hold the phone away from her ear as Bart yells at her] Well, how badly do you wanna get home? Alright, alright, what about a courier, they travel for free too... [Bart is talking] No, that's a terrier, they're dogs.
- Marge: [answers phone] Hello? Oh hello, Principal Skinner… No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. Good night [hangs up] ... [the phone rings again and Marge answers] Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car was not crushed in Knoxville. I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that! [hangs up] ... [the phone rings again and Marge answers] Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam. [hangs up] ... [While this is going on Homer, has slowly dived under the covers in the bed ... he snorts] Homer, are you laughing at me?
