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Bart's Girlfriend/Quotes
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- Jessica: You're bad Bart, and I like it.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Now the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ballgown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind you opponent with luxury. [Bart ties a set of balloon to his kilt, making it fly off with them and show his buttocks, which makes everyone gasp.] Aah, 'tis no more than what God gave me, you puritan pukes.
- Bart: [hides behind a tree and laughs.] That'll hold me. At least until I get my hands on some kind of explosives.
- Homer: Son, if you can look me in the eye and say you didn't take the collection money, that's all I need.
- Bart: I didn't take it.
- Homer: Why you little- [Homer strangles Bart] How could you look at me and lie like that?
- Marge: Homer stop that! I believe him.
- Homer: Tell me, if he didn't take the money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes?
- Marge: That's what he wore to church!
- Principal Skinner: Congratulations Simpson. You just fell for our sting and won yourself three months detention. There's no such thing as Scotchtoberfest.
- Groundskeeper Willie: There's not? Ya used me Skinner! Ya used me!
- Bart: Three months!? Aww!
- Jessica: Hi Bart. I saw the way they set you up. That was really unfair.
- Bart: Ohh!
- Jessica: Want to have dinner at my house tonight?
- Bart: Really? Uh, sure.
- Jessica: Great. We eat at 7:00.
- Bart: There's only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut!
- Marge: 30 cents off Shake N' Bake? Homer!
- Homer: We can spare it Marge. We've been blessed.
- Homer: My own son going on his first date. [singing] Sunrise, Sunset, Sunrise, Sunset, [faster] Cats and the cradle and the silver spoon. Yes, we have no bananas. [starts sobbing]
- Marge: Aw, Homie it is sweet Bart is going on a date.
- Homer: No, it's not that, they have no bananas.
- Marge: [in the distance] Bart! Lisa! Time for church!
- Luann Van Houten: [in the distance] Milhouse! Time for church.
- Jewish Man: [in the distance] Shlomo! Time for your violin lesson!
- Bart: Uh, I should get to class.
- Jessica: What's the hurry?
- Bart: We could get in trouble for being late.
- Jessica: Aw, you worry too much! Now come on, if you stay here a while, I'll let you hold my hand. [She and Bart do so, next to a fire alarm pull station, which Jessica uses Bart's hand to set off the alarm system.] [laughs] Teamwork! C'mon, Bart. [runs off with him]
- [Kids and teachers evacuate the building in a panic as a fire truck arrives. Groundskeeper Willie pushes through the crowd.]
- Groundskeeper Willie: If I don't save the wee turtles, who will? [Kicks down the science lab door and runs in, seconds later he comes out with small turtles nipping on him as he rolls around on the floor in agony] Yah! Save me from the wee turtles! They were too quick for me! Aaagh!
- Bart: Why the crap do we have to go to church anyway?
- Marge: You just answered your own question with that commode mouth.
- Lisa: Bart, we can't just let her get away with this.
- Bart: Give it up, Lis: she's a criminal mastermind. She's got 108 IQ, she reads at a fifth grade level, and... [sighs] her hair smells like red Fruit Loops.
- Lisa: Yeah? Well, I eat Fruit Loops for breakfast.
- Marge: [after taking a troll doll away from Bart] I don't want you playing with something that has such bizarre hair. Awful, awful hair.
- Lisa: Don't be so hard on yourself, Bart. It's not your fault Jessica doesn't like you.
- Bart: Is it my hair? My overbite? The fact that I've worn the same clothes day in, day out for the last four years?
- Lisa: No, Bart. I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along. She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter and you're the devil's cabana boy.
- Mrs. Albright: [when Bart comes into class] Bart Simpson?
- Bart: Yes, ma'am. I'd like to return to your wonderful Sunday school, please.
- Mrs. Albright: [nervous] Uh, but Bart, we banned you from Sunday school. You were happy, we were happy, everybody was happy... particularly the hamster. [the hamster sees Bart and cowers]
- Reverend Lovejoy: Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"
- Bart: But... but... but...
- Helen Lovejoy: [plugs her ears] Make him stop, make him stop!
- Bart: You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug!
- Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
- Homer: New glasses?
- Marge: No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.
- Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
- Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
- Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
- Marge: That's not what I meant.
- Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.
- Lisa: I can't believe it, Bart. I'd always thought Jessica was so sweet!
- Bart: She's like a Milk Dud, Lis: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.
- Bart: [hears singing from the church] Jessica!
- Lisa: Bart, be strong! You don't need that little hellcat.
- Bart: Oh, Lis: she's already drawing me to her with her beautiful siren song. [opens the church door and sees Ned Flanders singing falsetto] [shudders] That's very disturbing.
- [Homer puts a coupon in the collection plate]
- Marge: 30 cents off Shake n' Bake... Homer!
- Homer: We can spare it, Marge. We've been blessed.
- Helen Lovejoy: I'll just take that -- [sees empty collection plate] [gasps] Everyone turn around and look at this!
- Grampa: What is it? A Unitarian?
- [everyone surrounds Bart]
- Bart: [thinking] Now just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand. [speaks aloud] I...
- Helen Lovejoy:—took the money? Yes, we know.
- Moe: He confessed!
- Bart: OK! [jumps out window]
- Homer: Stop him! He's headed for the window!
- Bart: We gotta talk.
- Jessica: Listen, thanks for not turning me in. That was sweet.
- Bart: Well, it seems like if you really care for me, you should come forward.
- Jessica: Oh, don't you see? It's because I care for you that I can't come forward.
- Bart: [thinks] That doesn't make any sense.
- Jessica: All right, then I just don't feel like it, OK?
- Bart: Jessica, you're really beautiful, but you are not very nice.
- Jessica: Duh.
- Bart: You know, with the way you're treating me, why should I protect you?
- Jessica: Because, if you tell, no one will believe you. Remember I'm the sweet, perfect minister's daughter and you're just yellow trash.
- Lisa: [entering Bart's treehouse] So here's where you're hiding!
- Bart: Yeah. This is my only refuge from the taunts and accusations of the townspeople.
- Jasper: [appearing at the window] Thief! [Bart pulls the blind]
- Lisa: Bart, we can't just let her get away with this!
- Bart: Give it up, Lis: she's a criminal mastermind. She's got 108 IQ, she reads at a fifth-grade level, and... [sighs] her hair smells like red Froot Loops.
- Lisa: [threatening] Yeah? Well I eat Froot Loops for breakfast.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Now, for our offertory reading, Lisa Simpson - who we'll all be keeping an eye on.
- Lisa: I know most of you have already judged my brother guilty without any proof, but doesn't the Bible teach us "Judge not, lest ye be judged", Reverend?
- Reverend Lovejoy: [sullen] I think it may be somewhere towards the back.
- Lisa: There is someone among us with a guilty conscience. After much soul-searching I decided it would be wrong of me to name names. But I urge that guilty person here, under the eyes of God, to come forward, to confess, and save yourself from the torment of your own personal hell!
- Principal Skinner: Aah! I smelled some marijuana smoke in Vietnam!
- Grampa: I was the one that canceled Star Trek!
- Dr. Hibbert: I left my Porsche keys inside Mrs. Glick!
- Lisa: I am talking to the collection money thief! Only you can come forward and end this injustice!
- [Jessica looks around, smiling and saying nothing.]
- Lisa: Oh, what the heck - it was Jessica Lovejoy!
- [In Jessica's room, the townspeople discover the collection money under her mattress.]
- Principal Skinner: *That's* the collection money!
- Moe: [sniffs it] Oh yeah, smells like church.
- Reverend Lovejoy: I guess it's obvious what's happened here: Bart Simpson has somehow managed to sneak his bedroom into my house. [everyone stares at him; he becomes annoyed] Well, come on! Use your imaginations!
- Jessica: No, Dad. *I* did it. [tears in her eyes] It's your classic cry for attention.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Well, young lady, I suppose we brought you home from boarding school a little prematurely.
- Jessica: I was *expelled*, Dad! Remember the pipe bomb, the Glee Club brawl? Remember the school *chapel* collection plate? [Reverend Lovejoy covers his ears and starts singing "Bringing in the Sheaves"] Exploding toilets ring a bell? Come on, Dad! Pay attention to me! We're going there...
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