Difference between revisions of "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy/Quotes"
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| − | + | {{qf|[[Bart]]}} "Mom, Dad, I saw a UFO!" | |
| − | : | + | :''[Reaches for light switch]'' |
| − | + | {{qf|[[Homer]] and [[Marge]]}} "Don't turn on that light! Don't turn on that light!" | |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Lisa]]}} Mom! Dad! Look, this biography of Peter Ueberroth is only 99 cents. And I found the new [[Al Gore]] book. ''[holds it up]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} ''[reading the cover]'' ''[[Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow]]''. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Lisa}} Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, ''Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future''. | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} Homer, wake up! Wake up! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Wha? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} We need to talk about the...marital difficulties we've been having lately. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} I simply can't wait that long. Maybe we should get some help... how about a book? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[excited]'' Ooh, OK! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} A tasteful book. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[unexcited]'' Oh, all right. | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Grampa]]}} Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Nevermind, you wouldn't understand. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} Flu? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} No. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} Protein deficiency? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} No. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} No. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} Unsatisfying sex life? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} N- yes. But please, don't you say that word. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex. | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Kids! Here's $50, why not go to the movies, then take a cab to your aunts' house? Stay there, phone call you later. Now, now, now! | |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Ooh, mama! This is finally, really happening. After years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes, I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme...and quick! | |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} Here he is: {{Ch|Rex Harrison}} and {{Ch|Paul Anka}} rolled into one. Ooh, hmm. That tonic really works—you and Grampa should bottle it | |
and go into business together. | and go into business together. | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} You can make a lot of money... | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Yeah! Where are my pants? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again. | |
| − | |||
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} Step right up, folks, and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's patented revitalizing toniiic. Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her-prizing, revitalizing tonic. | |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Kirk van Houten]]}} Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together... and I found something for Milhouse down at the mall, too: ''[hands it to him]'' A pup tent! | |
| − | + | {{qf|[[Milhouse]]}} Oh, boy! Now I can sleep out in the yard. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Kirt van Houten}} Yeah! Every single night. | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Milhouse}} What's going on? Where are all the grown-ups? | |
| − | + | {{qf|[[Nelson]]}} Who cares? With no adults, I run this city. ''[pauses, looks awkward]'' Um... carry on. ''[walks off]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} Listen to this: ''[reads]'' "Unexplainable behavior: individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena, e.g., telephone explosions." | |
| − | + | {{qf|Milhouse}} Jeez... if it's in a book, it's gotta be true! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} Scary, no? ''[points at author's photo]'' And this guy's head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Ralph}} ''[walking up]'' Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren't around and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove. | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} Hurry up! We've got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid... | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Great. I'm going to be stuck in the car all weekend with that wheezy windbag. | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} You're the worst shill I've ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine shill business. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music! ''[turns radio playing banjo music off; banjo music stops]'' | |
| − | |||
:''[pickup full of hillbillies stops and turns around]'' | :''[pickup full of hillbillies stops and turns around]'' | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} OK, it's not painfully clear the adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Milhouse}} You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too? | |
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:''[he and Bart start wrestling]'' | :''[he and Bart start wrestling]'' | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Lisa}} Hey! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's | |
Razor? "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one." | Razor? "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one." | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} So what's the simplest explanation? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Lisa}} I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Everyone}} Aah! Reverse vampires! Reverse vampires! | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} Hey, wait a minute! That's Amos Pearson's moose farm. Make a right here. | |
:''[Homer does so and they get out of the car.]'' | :''[Homer does so and they get out of the car.]'' | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Ew! Why are we stopping at this dump? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} That's the house you grew up in, son. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Wow. Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} Yeah, we lived here 'til the bank foreclosed in '63. Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk. Something must have spooked 'em good. | |
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:''[flashback to young Homer in the barn]'' | :''[flashback to young Homer in the barn]'' | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Nah, stupid cows! Nyah, nyeah, nyeah nyeah, nyeah! ''[flaps his tongue at them]'' Boo, boo, boo! Aah! Aah! | |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} ''[points to old TV]'' There she is, the old Radiation King. You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end. | |
:''[Abe points out young Homer's shadow burned into the floor and wall. Flashback to Homer watching Kennedy on TV.]'' | :''[Abe points out young Homer's shadow burned into the floor and wall. Flashback to Homer watching Kennedy on TV.]'' | ||
| − | + | {{qf|{{Ch|John F. Kennedy|Kennedy}}}} If I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question with yet another flip remark. ''[reporters laugh and sigh]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Wow. ''[walks into kitchen]'' Look at me, er, uh, Mom: I am, er, uh, President Kennedy. | |
| − | + | {{qf|[[Mona Simpson]]}} Oh, Abe. Maybe our Homer could grow up to be President some day. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} You, President? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like you from ever becoming president. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead! | |
| − | + | :''[Back to the present.]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} Quit your daydreaming, melonhead! | |
| − | |||
| − | ''[Back to the present.]'' | ||
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could have been something more than I am. Like a travel agent, to great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} Who are you to complain? You locked me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every [[Christmas]]. | |
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:''[in the car]'' | :''[in the car]'' | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} That's 'cause you're a screw-up. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} You're the screw-up! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} Why you little... ''[strangles Homer]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} All right, all right. That's it: we're going home! I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[gasps, stops the car]'' Get out. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} I'm sorry I said that. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Out. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} I'm going to get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive away... ''[Homer drives off]'' Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. ''[later that night, he still stands there]'' Dang. | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident...he didn't want to have me. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} You didn't want to have Bart. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} You tell Bart all the time! You told him this morning. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} But when I do it, it's cute. | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Milhouse}} The Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people... | |
| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} Thank you. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Milhouse}} ...under the supervision of the reverse vampires... | |
| − | + | {{qf|Lisa}} ''[sighs]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Milhouse}} ...are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner! | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood, the son that puts the fun in | |
Simpson & Son, my son, Barney! | Simpson & Son, my son, Barney! | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Barney]]}} ''[walks out from behind a curtain]'' I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. ''[belches]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Man}} That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Barney}} Oh -- ''[collapses]'' | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very ''[stares at Bart's candy bar]'' sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolatey-- Put it away, boy! -- situation. | |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} But I'm using my whole ass. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Lisa}} Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking. | |
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:''[Homer gets in the car and drives off.]'' | :''[Homer gets in the car and drives off.]'' | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking." | |
| − | + | {{qf|Lisa}} That's what I assumed. | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Dad! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} Son! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} No, I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} You know what? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Grampa}} What? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} We're both screw-ups. | |
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{{Season 6|Q}} | {{Season 6|Q}} | ||
Revision as of 08:21, December 1, 2018
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This article or section needs to be cleaned up to fit in with the Manual of Style. |
- Bart: "Mom, Dad, I saw a UFO!"
- [Reaches for light switch]
- Homer and Marge: "Don't turn on that light! Don't turn on that light!"
- Lisa: Mom! Dad! Look, this biography of Peter Ueberroth is only 99 cents. And I found the new Al Gore book. [holds it up]
- Marge: [reading the cover] Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow.
- Lisa: Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future.
- Marge: Homer, wake up! Wake up!
- Homer: Wha?
- Marge: We need to talk about the...marital difficulties we've been having lately.
- Homer: Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex.
- Marge: I simply can't wait that long. Maybe we should get some help... how about a book?
- Homer: [excited] Ooh, OK!
- Marge: A tasteful book.
- Homer: [unexcited] Oh, all right.
- Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
- Homer: Nevermind, you wouldn't understand.
- Grampa: Flu?
- Homer: No.
- Grampa: Protein deficiency?
- Homer: No.
- Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
- Homer: No.
- Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life?
- Homer: N- yes. But please, don't you say that word.
- Grampa: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.
- Homer: Kids! Here's $50, why not go to the movies, then take a cab to your aunts' house? Stay there, phone call you later. Now, now, now!
- Homer: Ooh, mama! This is finally, really happening. After years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes, I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme...and quick!
- Marge: Here he is: Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one. Ooh, hmm. That tonic really works—you and Grampa should bottle it
and go into business together.
- Homer: You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution?
- Marge: You can make a lot of money...
- Homer: Yeah! Where are my pants?
- Marge: You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again.
- Grampa: Step right up, folks, and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's patented revitalizing toniiic. Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her-prizing, revitalizing tonic.
- Kirk van Houten: Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together... and I found something for Milhouse down at the mall, too: [hands it to him] A pup tent!
- Milhouse: Oh, boy! Now I can sleep out in the yard.
- Kirt van Houten: Yeah! Every single night.
- Milhouse: What's going on? Where are all the grown-ups?
- Nelson: Who cares? With no adults, I run this city. [pauses, looks awkward] Um... carry on. [walks off]
- Bart: Listen to this: [reads] "Unexplainable behavior: individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena, e.g., telephone explosions."
- Milhouse: Jeez... if it's in a book, it's gotta be true!
- Bart: Scary, no? [points at author's photo] And this guy's head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa!
- Ralph: [walking up] Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren't around and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove.
- Grampa: Hurry up! We've got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid...
- Homer: Great. I'm going to be stuck in the car all weekend with that wheezy windbag.
- Grampa: You're the worst shill I've ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine shill business.
- Homer: They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music! [turns radio playing banjo music off; banjo music stops]
- [pickup full of hillbillies stops and turns around]
- Bart: OK, it's not painfully clear the adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people.
- Milhouse: You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too?
- [he and Bart start wrestling]
- Lisa: Hey! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's
Razor? "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one."
- Bart: So what's the simplest explanation?
- Lisa: I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark.
- Everyone: Aah! Reverse vampires! Reverse vampires!
- Grampa: Hey, wait a minute! That's Amos Pearson's moose farm. Make a right here.
- [Homer does so and they get out of the car.]
- Homer: Ew! Why are we stopping at this dump?
- Grampa: That's the house you grew up in, son.
- Homer: Wow. Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted.
- Grampa: Yeah, we lived here 'til the bank foreclosed in '63. Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk. Something must have spooked 'em good.
- [flashback to young Homer in the barn]
- Homer: Nah, stupid cows! Nyah, nyeah, nyeah nyeah, nyeah! [flaps his tongue at them] Boo, boo, boo! Aah! Aah!
- Grampa: [points to old TV] There she is, the old Radiation King. You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end.
- [Abe points out young Homer's shadow burned into the floor and wall. Flashback to Homer watching Kennedy on TV.]
- Kennedy: If I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question with yet another flip remark. [reporters laugh and sigh]
- Homer: Wow. [walks into kitchen] Look at me, er, uh, Mom: I am, er, uh, President Kennedy.
- Mona Simpson: Oh, Abe. Maybe our Homer could grow up to be President some day.
- Grampa: You, President? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like you from ever becoming president. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead!
- [Back to the present.]
- Grampa: Quit your daydreaming, melonhead!
- Homer: Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could have been something more than I am. Like a travel agent, to great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.
- Grampa: Who are you to complain? You locked me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas.
- [in the car]
- Homer: Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me.
- Grampa: That's 'cause you're a screw-up.
- Homer: You're the screw-up!
- Grampa: Why you little... [strangles Homer]
- Homer: All right, all right. That's it: we're going home! I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic.
- Grampa: If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident!
- Homer: [gasps, stops the car] Get out.
- Grampa: I'm sorry I said that.
- Homer: Out.
- Grampa: I'm going to get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive away... [Homer drives off] Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. [later that night, he still stands there] Dang.
- Marge: Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life.
- Homer: Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident...he didn't want to have me.
- Marge: You didn't want to have Bart.
- Homer: I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child.
- Marge: You tell Bart all the time! You told him this morning.
- Homer: But when I do it, it's cute.
- Milhouse: The Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people...
- Bart: Thank you.
- Milhouse: ...under the supervision of the reverse vampires...
- Lisa: [sighs]
- Milhouse: ...are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner!
- Grampa: And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood, the son that puts the fun in
Simpson & Son, my son, Barney!
- Barney: [walks out from behind a curtain] I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. [belches]
- Man: That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas.
- Grampa: I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.
- Barney: Oh -- [collapses]
- Homer: Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very [stares at Bart's candy bar] sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolatey-- Put it away, boy! -- situation.
- Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.
- Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.
- Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary.
- Homer: Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
- [Homer gets in the car and drives off.]
- Bart: I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking."
- Lisa: That's what I assumed.
- Homer: Dad!
- Grampa: Son!
- Homer: I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
- Grampa: No, I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
- Homer: You know what?
- Grampa: What?
- Homer: We're both screw-ups.
