Difference between revisions of "Trash of the Titans/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 07:29, May 20, 2021

Homer: [walking trash out to curb] Ow, ow! Stupid trash. Rotten, stinky, [vengeful] hate world, revenge soon, take out on everyone. [steps in a puddle] Ewwww, garbage water! [to sky, fist raised] You're pushin' me, baby!

[Garbage truck drives by Simpson residence. Homer chases after it carrying the trash can.]

Homer: Hey! Wait! Stop! I have garbage! [loses breath and drops trash can in the street] You guys are the lousiest garbagemen ever! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, you trash-eatin' stink bags!

[Garbage truck stops.]

Homer: Uh oh.

[Truck beeps and reverses, stopping short of Homer.]

Garbageman #1: What did you call us?

Homer: [nervous] Uhh, I don't know. A lot of people were yelling stuff.

Garbageman #2: You called us trash-eating stinkbags.

Garbageman #1: Didn't you learn anything from Love Day?

Homer: That was yesterday, moron.

[Simpson residence. Homer enters kitchen with his pajamas stuffed with garbage.]

Homer: Good news everyone! I got in a fight with the garbagemen and they're cutting off our service!

Marge: Oh lord! Now what are we going to do? Just let the trash pile up?

Homer: Well, I'd rather live in a dump than in a world run by snooty garbagemen!

Lisa: Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?

Homer: I never apologize! I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Marge: Homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile attacked me again.

Homer: That's not how she tells it.

[Ned tiptoes through the garbage on the Simpsons' front lawn toward the door.]

Ned: [quietly] Easy, Ned. Don't breathe in.

[Garbage falls on Ned. Homer is on second floor.]

Homer: Sorry, Ned! I didn't see you down there! [to Bart, hiding under window] Got him.

Ned: I hate to be a Fussy Freddy and all, but Maude's folks are here and they're a tad touchy about odors.

Homer: Well, then you better close your windows before the sun hits Diaper Hill.

[Homer points to a pile of used diapers. Rod climbs on top.]

Rod: Look, Daddy, I'm king of the mountain!

Ned: Rod! Get off of there!

Homer: Good morning, trash pile. How's --

[Homer looks onto front lawn to see the trash has been removed.]

Homer: Hey! Woo hoo! I won!

[Kitchen.]

Homer: This is a very very proud day for us, especially me. Your father, me, beat city hall! It's just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won!

Lisa's Brain: Oh, I know. I heard it too. Here's some music. [imagines soft piano music]

Homer: And to think you wanted me to crawl, Marge! Well, this man does not crawl, he stands tall! That rhymes Marge, and you know it rhymes. Admit it!

[Marge lets out her signature annoyed grunt.]

Marge: Oh, Homer, you didn't beat city hall! They picked up our trash because I wrote a letter of apology to the sanitation commissioner and signed your name. Period.

Homer: You signed my name? I feel so violated!

Marge: You've have signed my name lots of times.

Homer: But this isn't like a loan application or a will! You signed away my dignity. And I'm going to get it back. Lisa, do I have my pants on?

Lisa: [dreamily] Yes.

Homer: Perfect.

Paul McGuinness: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I help you?

Homer: [with accent] Potato man.

Paul McGuinness: Where the hell have you been?

[The image of the band on the video wall is replaced by Homer's face.]

Homer: Hello, Springfield! It's me, Homer!

Bono: What the... bloody hell?

Homer: [to Bono] Quiet, you! [to crowd] I know you want to see these rocking rockers, but I know you're also concerned about the race for sanitation commissioner. So let me give you the 911!

[Homer walks out on stage, the audience immediately boos.]

Bono: Hold on people, he is talking about waste management! That affects the whole damn planet!

[The rest of the band have a conversation in the background]

Larry: Oh, here we go! Want to duck out to Moe's for a pint?

The Edge: Can I come?

Larry: Hmmm... no.

The Edge: Wankers.

Bono: [into mic] Now, Homer... Ray Patterson is a fine public servant. Why should the people of Springfield --

[Crowd cheers yelling "Yeah Springfield!"]

Bono: [sighs and lowers mic] Why should they vote for you?

Homer: That's a very good question, Bono. [addresses crowd] Cause I'd be the most whack, tricked-out sanitation commissioner ever! Can you dig it?!

[Crowd is silent, Homer nervously tugs his collar and begins to dance.]

Bono: [into mic, unimpressed] Wow, look at him go. You're the real lord of the dance, Homer.

[Bono motions for the guards to take Homer away, guard grab Homer and haul him off stage.]

Homer: [grabbing side of stage set] No, no! Bono, help me! [lets go]

Bono: Don't worry, folks. He'll get the help he needs.

[U2 begins playing as the video wall shows Homer being held by one guard and beaten by two other guards.]

[Homer wins the election. He gets the news looking at a newspaper dispenser.]

Newspaper headline: SIMPSON WINS IN LANDSLIDE. Says "crazy promises" key to victory.

Homer: Woo hoo!

Lisa: Dad, are you not going to buy it?

Homer: 50 cents? Not likely.

[An angry Mayor Quimby comes into Homer's office.]

Mayor Quimby: Simpson, you idiot! You spent your entire year's budget in a month! Your department's broke!

Homer: Uh... oh no! Wait! I think I've got the perfect solution.

Mayor Quimby: You'd better! 'Cause those garbage men won't work for free!

Homer: D'oh!

Homer: D'oh! Oh, Patterson was right. I'm crashing and burning! Crashing and burning!

[Marge reviews expense reports.]

Marge: How could you spend $4.6 million in one month?

Homer: They let me sign checks with a stamp, Marge. A stamp!

Lisa: You know, Dad, there's a lesson in all this. Many cities have problems with garbage disposal, and it's time we realize you can't just --

Homer: Wait! Shut up! I just thought of something.

[Homer runs out of the house and speeds off in the car.]

[Sanitation Commissioner's office. Homer walks in carrying a briefcase and is greeted by several angry garbagemen carrying weapons.]

Homer: Morning, boys!

Garbageman #1: Where's our paychecks, ya bum?

Head Garbageman: My men ain't working another minute till we get paid!

[Homer unhinges briefcase to show it is full of money.]

Homer: Will cash be ok?

Head Garbageman: [with a huge smile] Will it!

[Quimby leans into Homer's office.]

Quimby: Did I hear a, uh, briefcase opening?

Homer: I bet you're all wondering where I got the money?

Bart: Dealing drugs?

Lisa: Drugs?

Marge: I'll have to say drugs, too.

Homer: Close, but you're way off.

[Homer pulls off to the outskirts of town where garbage trucks are shoving garbage into a mine shaft.]

Homer: Look at that beautiful garbage. Other cities don't want it, so they pay me to dump it in this old abandoned mine.

Lisa: That's awful! I almost wish it were drugs!

Bart: Some of it is.

[Bart points to a garbage truck from New York.]