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Difference between revisions of "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson/Quotes"

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{{tabQ|episode=The Secret War of Lisa Simpson}}
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{{TabQ}}
 
{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase|The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson}}
 
{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase|The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson}}
  
'''Instructor''' [to Bart]: Since you've already attended public school, we're assuming you've already had experience with small arms. So, we're gonna give you something... a little more advanced. (Hands Bart a mini-rocket launcher)
+
{{qf|[[Chief Wiggum]]}} Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?
 
 
'''Bart''': Wow.
 
 
 
(Bart begins firing away at his targets, destroying four. The last rocket flies off into the distance)
 
 
 
'''Instructor''': Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target.
 
 
 
'''Bart''': (slyly) Did I?
 
 
 
(Cut to Springfield Elementary. Principal Skinner is standing next to the smoldering crater that was his car.)
 
 
 
'''Nelson''': (from the school window) Ha ha!
 
----
 
'''Marge''': It certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of the semester.
 
 
 
'''Commandant''': Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent "freak-outs," so that freed up a couple of bunks.
 
 
 
'''Bart''': Freak-outs?
 
----
 
'''Bart''': But if you quit, it would be like an expert knot-tyer quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot!
 
 
 
'''Lisa''': Why did you say that?
 
 
 
'''Bart''': I don't know. I was just looking at my shoelaces. But the point is, you're gonna make it, Lise, and I'll stick by you.
 
 
 
'''Lisa''': Don't do that. Why should we both be outcasts?
 
 
 
'''Bart''': Then I'll stick by you in secret. Like a sock maker secretly working on a top secret sock that . . .
 
 
 
'''Lisa''': Will you stop looking at your feet!
 
----
 
'''Commandant''': Lights out! (The lights go out and a thump is heard) Ow! Damn it! Lights on! Lights on!
 
----
 
'''Marge''': Lisa, if you ever want to quit and come home, I'll be here in half a jif.
 
 
 
'''Bart''': I want to quit and come home! (pause) I want to quit and come home!
 
 
 
'''Marge''': (kissing him goodbye) Oh, honey, I heard you the first time.
 
----
 
'''Commandant''': Gentlemen, we now have a girl cadet among our ranks, so there are going to be a few changes. First of all, Franklin, you are no longer the girliest cadet here.
 
 
 
'''Franklin''': (in a very effeminate voice) Well, we'll see about that.
 
 
 
'''Commandant''': Second of all, this is now the girls' barracks, so pack your things, you're moving in with Company L.
 
 
 
'''Cadet''': Company L? But they smell!
 
 
 
'''Commandant''': Yes, we've all heard the chant...Now fall out!
 
----
 
'''Lisa''': (On "The Eliminator") If only I was back in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on! Oh, God, I'm delirious.
 
----
 
'''Chief Wiggum''': We'll start the tour in a second. I just gotta check the answering machine. [checks it and there are 75 messages] Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands? [deletes them]
 
----
 
'''Chief Wiggum''': Now, what I am about to show you next may shock and educate you. Hold onto your values as we step through the looking glass into a hippie pot party. [flicks a switch, lighting a mannequin with a joint crudely stuck to his mouth] While Johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea. [lights up another mannequin, of a woman opening wide to eat a baby sandwich; the crowd gasps] That's right, she's got the munchies for a California Cheeseburger.
 
----
 
Ralph: Miss Hoover, the movie's over.
 
 
 
Lisa: Where's Miss Hoover?
 
 
 
Janey: [looks out the window] Hey, her car's gone.
 
 
 
Ralph: Maybe she drove to the moon.
 
----
 
'''Lisa''' [to Principal Skinner]: It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two filmstrips, and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged.
 
 
 
'''Principal Skinner''': Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.
 
----
 
'''Homer''': [yelling over the loud ringing] You really did it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
 
 
 
'''Lisa''': When do you expect the ringing will stop?
 
 
 
'''Chief Wiggum''': In about 10 to 15 seconds.
 
 
 
'''Marge''': I certainly hope [the ringing stops] so. [realizes she's still yelling] Ooh! [puts her hand to her mouth] That's better.
 
----
 
'''Marge''' [to Bart]: Now about your punishment, young man.
 
 
 
'''Bart''': I know, I'll go to my room to think about what I did.
 
 
 
'''Homer''': Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage.
 
 
----
 
----
'''Chief Wiggum''': Hey, what about military school? It set my brother straight. Now he owns and operates a famous cave.
+
{{qf|Announcer}} The moon. For several years, she has fascinated many. But will man ever walk on her fertile surface? Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so.
 +
{{qf|[[Adlai Stevenson II]]}} I have no objection to man walking on the moon.
 
----
 
----
'''Bart''': Military school?! You lied to me!
+
{{qf|[[Lisa]]}} Where's [[Miss Hoover]]?
 
+
{{qf|[[Janey Powell]]}} Hey, her car's gone.
'''Homer''': [chuckles] Well, I'm sorry if you heard, "Disneyland," but I distinctly said, "military school."
+
{{qf|[[Ralph Wiggum]]}} Maybe she drove to the moon.
 
----
 
----
[When the commandant shows the Simpsons a classroom]
+
{{qf|Lisa}} It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two film strips, and an hour and a half of "magazine time." I just don't feel challenged.
 
+
{{qf|[[Principal Skinner]]}} Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining... furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation...
'''Cadet''': Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
 
 
 
'''Lisa''': They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school.
 
 
 
'''Teacher''': But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?
 
 
 
'''Marge''': Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.
 
 
----
 
----
'''Bart''': Please don't make me stay, dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes!
+
{{qf|[[Marge]]}} Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of the semester.
 
+
{{qf|{{ap|The Commandant|The Secret War of Lisa Simpson}}}} Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent "freak-outs," so that freed up a couple of bunks.
'''Homer''': Let go my leg.
+
{{qf|[[Bart]]}} "Freak-outs?"
 
+
{{qf|[[Homer]]}} If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester?
'''Bart''': No!
 
 
 
'''Homer''': Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school.
 
 
 
'''Lisa''': And so am I. [everyone else gasps] This school has everything I ever wanted.
 
 
 
'''Marge''': Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.
 
 
 
'''Bart''': No jail can hold me. [runs off, only to be returned by the school M.P.s a few seconds later]
 
 
----
 
----
'''Cadet''': What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud?
+
{{qf|Lisa}} Hey, look, it's the school motto.
 
+
{{qf|Bart}} ''[reading]'' "I'll die before I surrender, Tim." ''[to Lisa]'' Who's Tim?
'''Lisa''': Is there any answer I can give that won't result in more push-ups?
+
{{qf|Lisa}} Apparently Tim was someone who was with the general moments before he was shot right in the head.
 
 
(The cadets talk amongst themselves)
 
 
 
'''Cadet''': No.
 
 
----
 
----
'''Lisa''': Okay, I'm not going to give up. Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known ... then went crazy as a loon.
+
{{qf|Instructor}} Since you attended public school, I'm going to assume that you're already proficient with small arms. So, we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.
 
----
 
----
'''Commandant''': Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked very hard developing academic skills and general killing skills.
+
{{qf|Bart}} I'm sorry I froze you out, Lis. I--I just didn't want the guys to think I'd gone soft on the girl issue.
 
+
{{qf|Lisa}} Ech, I'm tired of being an issue, Bart. Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.
'''Bart''': [to Lisa] My killing teacher says I'm a natural.
+
{{qf|Bart}} But if you quit, it'll be like an expert knot-tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot!
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} Why'd you say that?
 +
{{qf|Bart}} I dunno. I was just looking at my shoelaces.
 
----
 
----
'''Lisa''': [reading a note from Bart] Meet me at "the Eliminator" after lights out. P.S., The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you. Ohhh ... [holds her tray up just in time to deflect meatballs coming at her.]
+
{{qf|Bart}} I thought you came here looking for a challenge.
 +
{{qf|Lisa}} Duh! A challenge I could do.
 
----
 
----
'''Cadet #2''': We're going to make your life a living hell for the rest of the semester.
+
{{qf|The Commandant}} Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the State Supreme Court has determined that forcing cadets to cross "The Eliminator" is a barbaric and malicious practice.
 
+
{{qf|Lisa}} ''[under her breath]'' Yes!
'''Leader''': But graduation's in 3 hours.
+
{{qf|The Commandant}} Hence, you will be the last class to be subjected to it.
 
 
'''Anderson''': We'd better go change!
 
 
----
 
----
'''Homer''': Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns?
+
{{qf|The Commandant}} The wars of the future will not be fought on a battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today, remember always, your duty is clear: to build and maintain those robots. Thank you.
 
 
'''Bart''': Sir! Yes, Sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!
 
 
 
'''Marge''': Well, he seems to have gotten more confidence.
 
 
 
'''Homer''': Uh, yeah, I've always said that the boy could use more confidence.
 
----
 
'''Bart''': Cleaning graffiti off a statue makes a mockery of everything I believe in!
 
----
 
(After conquering "The Eliminator.")
 
 
 
'''Lisa''': You thought I couldn't do it but I could, I did, and I could do it again! Let's do it again!
 
----
 
 
 
'''Homer''': [yelling to be heard] You really did it this time, Bart!
 
You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
 
 
 
'''Lisa''': When do you expect the ringing will stop?
 
 
 
'''Wiggum''': [looking at his watch] In about ten to fifteen seconds.
 
 
 
'''Marge''': I certainly hope [the ringing stops] so.  [realizes she's
 
still yelling]  Ooh!  [puts her hand to her mouth]
 
 
 
'''Marge''': That's better.
 
[Maggie removes to pacifiers she had been using as earplugs]
 
 
 
'''Marge''':Now about your punishment, young man.
 
 
 
'''Bart''': [gets up] I know, I'll go to my room to think about what I
 
did.
 
 
 
'''Homer''': Oh, no, your room is full of toys.  You're going to the, uh,
 
garage.
 
 
 
'''Bart''': [leaves]  You're the boss.
 
 
 
'''Marge''': I tell you, Chief, I just don't know what we're going to do
 
with him.
 
 
 
'''Wiggum''': You know, you do have options. [Bart rides by the living room window on a lawn mower] For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded
 
are you to the Bart you know?
 
 
 
'''Homer''': Not very.
 
 
 
'''Marge''': No-o-o!  No drugs!  Bart just needs a little discipline.
 
 
 
'''Wiggum''': Uh, hey, what about military school?  It set my brother
 
straight.  Now he owns and operates a famous cave.
 
  
'''Marge''': You know, maybe Chief Wiggum is right.  Military school is a
+
{{Season 8|Q}}
good idea.
 
[The family looks out the front window.  Bart rides by in the
 
opposite direction, followed by police cars with their lights
 
flashing]
 
{{Season 8 Q}}
 
 
{{DEFAULTSORT:Secret War of Lisa Simpson/Quotes}}
 
{{DEFAULTSORT:Secret War of Lisa Simpson/Quotes}}

Latest revision as of 15:01, May 27, 2023


Season 8 Episode Quotes
177 "The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase"
178
"The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
"The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson" 179


Chief Wiggum: Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?

Announcer: The moon. For several years, she has fascinated many. But will man ever walk on her fertile surface? Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so.
Adlai Stevenson II: I have no objection to man walking on the moon.

Lisa: Where's Miss Hoover?
Janey Powell: Hey, her car's gone.
Ralph Wiggum: Maybe she drove to the moon.

Lisa: It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two film strips, and an hour and a half of "magazine time." I just don't feel challenged.
Principal Skinner: Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining... furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation...

Marge: Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of the semester.
The Commandant: Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent "freak-outs," so that freed up a couple of bunks.
Bart: "Freak-outs?"
Homer: If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester?

Lisa: Hey, look, it's the school motto.
Bart: [reading] "I'll die before I surrender, Tim." [to Lisa] Who's Tim?
Lisa: Apparently Tim was someone who was with the general moments before he was shot right in the head.

Instructor: Since you attended public school, I'm going to assume that you're already proficient with small arms. So, we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.

Bart: I'm sorry I froze you out, Lis. I--I just didn't want the guys to think I'd gone soft on the girl issue.
Lisa: Ech, I'm tired of being an issue, Bart. Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.
Bart: But if you quit, it'll be like an expert knot-tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot!
Lisa: Why'd you say that?
Bart: I dunno. I was just looking at my shoelaces.

Bart: I thought you came here looking for a challenge.
Lisa: Duh! A challenge I could do.

The Commandant: Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the State Supreme Court has determined that forcing cadets to cross "The Eliminator" is a barbaric and malicious practice.
Lisa: [under her breath] Yes!
The Commandant: Hence, you will be the last class to be subjected to it.

The Commandant: The wars of the future will not be fought on a battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today, remember always, your duty is clear: to build and maintain those robots. Thank you.
Season 8 Quotes
Treehouse of Horror VII You Only Move Twice The Homer They Fall Burns, Baby Burns Bart After Dark A Milhouse Divided Lisa's Date with Density Hurricane Neddy El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer The Springfield Files The Twisted World of Marge Simpson Mountain of Madness Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show Homer's Phobia Brother from Another Series My Sister, My Sitter Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment Grade School Confidential The Canine Mutiny The Old Man and the Lisa In Marge We Trust Homer's Enemy The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase The Secret War of Lisa Simpson